It's her father.
The first arms to hold her.
The first lips to kiss her.
The first hand to touch her.
The first feet to run with them.
I believe every father is special for every daughter in their own way.
He's so special that probably half of girls hope to find a man like their fathers to be a father for their children.
My father, was very special.
He's a brave, strong, tough, lovely, caring, kind, warm man.
He built me swings to play with.
He taught me to ride a bicycle.
He ran after a dog which chased after me and made me cry.
He celebrate every single birthday I've had in my first 8 years.
My father was my everything.
I think it's highly unlikely for me to love another man bigger than how I love my father.

Unluckily, God loves him much much much more than I do.
My father left me when I was 8, precisely in 25 April 2000.
Do you know how it felt to be left by a father while he was the center of your world?
It's painful.
I was 8, but I still can feel the pain until now.
It's like, holding to a single strong rope and know that it won't break but then you loses grip suddenly.

I was broken hearted.
The most hurtful I've ever been in my life.
Probably that's why I don't cry much when I was sad now.
Nothing as hurtful, or nothing nearly as hurtful as losing your father when you were in love with him.

At that time, I was mad at God.
I was mad because I was sure I loved and took a great care of my dad.
More than any kid.
And there were children who don't treat or love their fathers as much as I love my dad.
So why God took my dad instead?
I remember I skipped several weeks at school.
I remember I still waited for him to pick me up after school.
I remember I woke up crying because I just miss my dad and I want him to come back.

But he won't.
He won't come back.
And I must accept it.
Sometimes I wish he was still alive somewhere.
Sometimes I wish a man would appear in front of me and he was my father.
But it won't happen. I know it won't.

For the last (nearly) 14 years, I believe I only had dream about him for 2 or 3 times.
Sometimes I feel sad because I want to see his face, hug, talk, or touch him even it's only in a dream.
But people say that when we don't dream about the dead people, it means that they happy in there.
I hope it's true.
I hope he's happy in where he is now.
I hope it means I'm being a good enough girl that he's not worry about me.

But that doesn't mean I will stop remembering him.
I won't.
I will always spend a little time like this to write about him.
I will always have my tears run down because of talking about him.
I will always stay awake sometimes because I miss him too much I can't go to sleep.
I will always remember his birthday, and his deathday. Now that sounds scary.
I will not be able to move on from the 8-years old me who just lost his dad at 5 am in the morning.
That will always be a part of me.

I want to start posting songs I like and it starts with this newest song I like. 
I first knew Katy B when Arctic Monkeys covered one of her song. 
But I didn't listen to her much back then. 
Until early this year I downloaded her single of her new upcoming album (at that time when the album hasn't released yet) and I got hooked up. 
Her genre is electronic, dancey type which not in top of my favourite genre. 
But this song is very good and I love the lyrics. 
It makes me sad when I listened to it and it means good lol. 
(And for some reason YouTube didn't let me to link the video to here. But you can watch the music video by clicking here)

I know that some people realized that I'm not a fan at all of smokers.
When I was in high school and some of my friends smoked, they told me they smoked because their mouths feel sour and cigarettes made it better. So I brought along candies and told them, if they wanted to they could ask me for candies and they didn't need to smoke.
They kept smoking, of course. But they also asked for candies sometimes which made me happy.
Then I started college, when in my group of friends of 7 people, only me and the other girl who didn't smoke. We're all women, and most of us were smoking.
But they brought candies by themselves so I didn't.
After I left college and started working, I started bringing along candies again so my coworkers don't always need to smoke.
Most of times when they asked for candies to me, I know it was only to make me feel better lol. But I really appreciated it.
And I'm not anti-smokers.
Smokers are human. Are people.
What do you expect of them? Not much.
My father was a smoker as well and I never loved another male human being as much as I loved him.
My grandfather started smoking when he was in early teenager, and he died (mostly) because of it. Only one of his lungs worked until he passed away on 2005.
And I don't hate my college friends, nor my smoker coworkers.
But I strongly dislike cigarettes.
The smoke, the ashes, the illness that come after.
I had asthma until I was 11.
My grandmother had it too for the rest of her life.
It was (mostly) because we inhaled too much cigarettes' smoke.
I also remember playing with its smoke with my father when I was little.

I just can't help but wondering, why such smartasses people, with modern technology they have in hands, with so much education they have in heads, decide to smoke, burn their lungs just for a fun sake?
And also in my opinion, this is just my opinion, smokers who smoke around their loved ones are totally selfish retarded bastards, because they slowly kill people they so-called love.
So here, I don't care if you smoke. I don't care whose money do you burn.
But I do care about the innocent ones who is living around you, who doesn't smoke, but they get sick, or they will get sick, because of you being selfish by smoking around them.

Okay.
Get it right now.
I don't hate smokers.
I just hate their choice to smoke.
Period.

"When I say it doesn't hurt me, that means I can bear it.
Nevertheless, I still feel the pain."
-Killua

I don't know what I'm going to write.
I just felt that I needed it.

Here's the thing.
If you don't mean it, or not sure about a thing, don't do it, okay?
Because I won't.
You don't know me, but I tell you now.
I won't do a thing unless I'm sure about it.
I'm not gonna give or show you a fake part of me.
Unless your attitudes made me to.

One more.
Fuck you for today.
Now. Leave.