(This post has no offense to those who were born on April, every month has meaning for every different people).


April has different kind of meaning for me.
My lovely dad passed away on April.
So what do you think I'm supposed to do?
I feel bitter every time this month come.
I count every day to his death day and flashback to when it was on April 2000.
Because on April 1st 2000, I still had a father.
He was healthy, all was safe and sound.
I can't help to replay all the bad memories back on my head.
Each day on April kill a little part of me.
It's just, I wish it would stop at some point.
But in the same time, I also wish it wouldn't.
April will always be my Achilles heels.
On April I'm an 8 years old girl.
On April I remember how my Dad died.
On April I wish he didn't die.
On April I miss my Dad.
More, more, much more than any other time.

But please.
Don't tell me not to.

For me, it's privacy.
I would say family in the first place, but I'd lost my Dad when I was 8. Death isn't a thing you can control nor you can wish for so it doesn't happen too fast or whatnot.
But privacy, it's something you can have a control of.
You can choose what you want to share or show to people.
You can choose what your job is, whether it would expose your privacy or not.
And I think I can't live without it.
I can't imagine many people know my face, or want to know what I'm doing, where I am, and what I'm up to.
I can't imagine to be not able to go to public places without being recognize.
I can't imagine to not enjoy my time alone, just my self and my silly brain having fun.
When I was younger, I thought celebrities' fee were ridiculously high.
But now I understand, because it's not just their talent that people pay for, but also their lives.
People will know their faces, their spouses, their kids, where they live, what they wear, who their friends are, what they have for dinner, even.
Those thoughts freak me out.
I don't like being recognized in some streets by people I don't know.
Some people would find it lovely to know that they're famous. But me? Big NO.
I'd like to be just me.
I'd like to be able to walk into public places with my ordinary clothes, try to be invisible and blended in.
I'd like to be able to sit down alone without people recognize me and ask me to sit with them.
Maybe sometimes, I'd love to.
But the other times, I just love the idea of walking around alone.
I like staying in my room alone, listening to music, watching movies, reading books, writing, or cleaning.
I like sitting in a corner of a cafe with a book or my laptop and ignore people around me.
It's like there's no one else in the world except me.
I know some say I'm like an open book.
You may be right.
But you could be wrong.
The book you see or read is only the book I choose to expose to you.
Whatever personality you think I have, is the ones I choose to act towards you.
A person's personality is not as simple as that.
Especially those who loves their privacy.