I know now how it's like to be wrong but feels so right
It's you

The way you put your arms on my shoulder
When you said things will be alright

Or when you teased me
And can't hide that cheeky smile of yours

I still remember the first time we talked
Or the first time I decided that you were cool

When you complained because I texted you at 11 PM
And you always bring it up when you need something against me

That one day when you pretended being mad at me
I thought it was for real

That night I knew my heart broke
And I almost cried on the way home

But yesterday you told me that you would never be angry at me again
And that you would smile every time we meet

See how I meant by it feels so right?
It does feel so right, doesn't it?

But it's wrong
In many ways, it is

Because you are belong to another world
Where in that world, I don't exist

And I shouldn't be

Sometimes I wonder, what have I done so right to deserve these people.
Temen-temen online yang belum pernah gue temui, kecuali lewat skype atau tukeran holidays card doang.
Tapi tetep berusaha catch up di sela-sela kesibukan, buat nanya kabar dan what they missed while we're not in contact.
Skype seharian, ngedengerin story telling, sampe ketiduran.
Nyari tau cara gue dapet visa Amerika.
Ngerencanain liburan bareng gue.
Bilang kalo mereka nungguin gue buat ngunjungin mereka di apartmentnya.
Ah :')

Gue percaya apa yg gue inginkan bisa jadi nyata.
Dan gue percaya gue bisa ketemu mereka one day.
Entah gimana caranya, itu bukan urusan gue.

Suatu hari nanti, kita bakalan all-nighteran lagi, tapi in person.
Together.

Everyday, I specifically ask God to make me a better person.
And I think, being a better person is not about the result, but rather about the journey.
God doesn't make me wiser or smarter overnight, but He'll put me in a situation that can make me wiser and smarter. Which if I could pass it, I will be exactly as what I prayed.

And I'm in a journey to be a better person everyday.
So I tried to be more heedful.
As I grow older, I meet more people from many backgrounds and with many personalities.
The ones that I didn't think I could meet but then I do.
Especially since I join a new company.
Before I thought expatriate in my country only sit in highest positions but now here, they're sitting in the same cubicles as locals.
Before I thought my previous boss was humble and kind enough, but my recent boss is even MORE humble and kinder and funnier in many ways and it makes me love him so much!
Before I thought I couldn't find co-workers like my previous ones, but my recent co-workers are as lovely as them (even though I still miss my old co-workers a lot too!)
Before I thought there's no stronger bound like my previous company, but my recent company's employees have even STRONGER bound!

God always replaces things with better things, every time.
I never doubt that.
Yet He still proves that it's true and make my faith even bigger.

I used to moan and complain about Monday but for the last few weeks, I didn't.
I enjoy and is excited of Monday because there's a weekly meeting which is fun because it's so casual and not boring, it's also very much shorter than we did in my previous company.

I also have my good friend as my roommate.
My relationship with my family is stronger than ever.

Dear God,
I would never be able to thank You enough for all these blessings.
I can't even count it.
Thank you so much for the best part of  my life... yet!
I believe you still have a lot to surprise me later :)

I've come to notice about this particular thing, lately.
About how ladies are being defined by their men.
Like, my friend told me she couldn't weigh any more because her boyfriend would dislike her. Or her skin should stay glowing. Or she couldn't cut her hair because he likes it long. Or she couldn't act crazy like she was around her friends at home with her husband. Some things like that.

Those things scare me.
Those things make me think that relationships are scary things. Especially when you're defined by other persons or you can't be you around someone that, ironically, you choose to spend the rest of your life together with.

Maybe it's only because I spend my whole life define my own self and not let anyone tells me who I am.
Maybe because I feel that I can do whatever I want to do as long as it's not a bad thing and I enjoy it.

I don't know which is right or wrong.
Maybe neither is.
But I feel like it'd be so sad if you need to stay skinny or looked good or 24/7 well-behaved because someone else wants you to.
Someone else who is supposed to accept you as you are. Whoever you are.

When I am with someone, I want him to let me by my own true self around him. I want him to be my most trusted person, my best buddy, someone I can talk to about everything - not just anything.
Because I'm willing to spend the rest of my life committed to him, only to him. And I don't want to be not less than comfortable with him.

I hope he won't scold me when I look chubbier. Or get my skin tanner.
I hope he won't disagree when I act childish. Or want to watch cartoons on weekends.
I hope he won't mad when I want to stay on bed longer and feel a bit lazy even though the weather is nice outside.
I hope he won't question me when there are weird places I want to visit with him.
I hope he will support me whoever I am and will be.
Because that's what I plan to do with him.

So yeah, it's a long journey, indeed, to find someone like that.
But I believe that God is kind enough to give me someone that I want, not just what I need.

Saya masih inget ketemu kamu dulu di bulan September. Beberapa hari setelah ulang tahun saya.
Saya masih inget kamu ngasih saya biskuit. Kamu pasti ga inget. Ga penting.
Saya masih inget waktu duduk-duduk di musholla sama temen-temen saya, kamu terus dateng naik motor yang merah itu. Dan sejak hari itu, saya terus nungguin kamu dateng di situ.
Saya masih inget waktu diem-diem naruh kue di motor kamu. Terus kamu sms saya setelahnya, pake nomor temen kamu, karena kamu ga punya pulsa hehe.
Saya masih inget waktu kamu suruh saya baca tulisan kamu di mading trus kasih komentar. Kamu ga tau kan, kalau itu awal pertama di mana saya jadi suka sejarah.
Saya masih inget kamu dulu bilang kalau saya pengirim sms ke-500 di hp kamu.
Saya juga masih inget terakhir saya ngeliat kamu. Saya cuma bisa ngeliatin kamu dari jauh. Seperti biasa. Dan ga ngomong apa-apa juga ke kamu.

Pasti menurut kamu saya itu aneh banget.
Kamu pernah bilang, kamu nggak ngerti sama orang-orang seperti saya.
Orang-orang yang mengagumi orang lain sama seperti saya mengagumi kamu.
Dan kamu pasti ngerasa saya lebih aneh lagi karena saya masih inget ini semua bertahun-tahun setelah itu.

Saya lupa kapan kita berteman di Facebook.
Saya juga lupa kapan kamu mengganti ulang tahunmu di Facebook, jadi tepat sehari sebelum ulang tahun saya. Ga ada maksud apa-apa, pastinya.
Bertahun-tahun saya kira kamu lupa sama saya.
Saya bahkan cuma pernah sekali ngucapin ulang tahun lewat Facebook ke kamu. Yang kamu balas sekadarnya.

Tapi hari ini, saya melihat kamu akan melangkah ke jenjang yang lebih besar. Akhirnya.
Saya senang sekali.
Walau ada sedih juga, pas sadar, betapa sudah jauhnya kita semua dari masa SMA.
Yang dulu saya cuma mengagumi kamu lewat tembok sekolah, sekarang kamu ada di kota lain dengan rencana yang jauh lebih besar.
Lalu saya mengucapkan selamat, dan kamu menyebut nama saya.
Yang membuat saya sadar, kalau kamu ternyata masih inget sama nama saya.
Sama saya.
Gatau deh cerita apa yang kamu inget dari saya.
Pengen rasanya nanya begitu ke kamu. Tapi yaudahlah.

Terima kasih lho, L.
Dari hari pertama kenal kamu, sampai hari ini, kamu nggak pernah bikin saya nangis.
Kamu, pertama-tama, bikin saya baca Sejarah. Suka Sejarah.
Kamu bikin saya nonton film Gie, dari pas pertama nonton ketiduran, sampe sehari pernah nonton tiga kali.
Kamu bikin saya cari tahu tentang penyakit hepatitis.
Kamu bikin saya belajar bikin kukis
Kamu bikin saya membuat rencana, dan berusaha mewujudkannya..
Kamu bikin masa-masa SMA saya berkesan.
Dan saya harap, saya juga punya kesan walau setitik, buat kamu.

Semoga kamu bahagia dan rencana-rencana kamu tercapai.
Semoga saya masih bisa ngeliat kamu sesekali, di manapun itu.
Sampai ketemu lagi di suatu hari nanti. Semoga.

I actually don't know what to write.
I feel sad, hurt, disappointed, but happy at the same time.
You said you didn't want to disappoint me. Or anyone.
But you can't help it.
Maybe for you, it was just another hello, then another goodbye.
Maybe for you, it was easy to let me go.
Or to get me back.
Maybe it was me and my stupid thought telling me that everything is gonna be alright.
While actually, most of things are falling apart.

Selamat ulang tahun, Papa sayang...

Aku sayang Papa.
Selalu sayang Papa.
Dan akan selalu sayang sama Papa.

Sampai nanti kita ketemu lagi di sana, aku nggak akan pernah lupa sama Papa dan sayang aku ke Papa nggak akan berkurang sesedikitpun.

Terima kasih untuk 8 tahun pertama aku bersama Papa, yang juga 8 tahun terindah yang pernah aku alami.

Sayang selalu,
Chita

Gue itu ga begitu akur sama Eyang Putri.
Karena mungkin, sifat kita mirip. Mirip sampe-sampe ga bisa disatuin.
Dan walau gue udah kerja waktu itu, gue ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Waktu itu gue mikirnya sepele.
Lagian Eyang juga banyak yang beliin macem-macem. Nggak butuh gue beliin apa-apa.
Tapi ternyata gue salah. Salah banget.

Waktu itu gue dititipin sama Eyang, beliau pengen permen kopiko.
Dan gue beliin. Gue kasih ke beliau.
Sama Eyang mau diganti uangnya. Kata gue ga usah.
Berapa sih harga permen. No big deal.
Ternyata, beliau seneng banget gue beliin permen.
Beliau bilang ke beberapa orang, "Ini aku dibeliin permen sama Tata."
Waktu ngedenger gue juga biasa aja. Apa sih. Permen doang.

Tapi trus setelah beliau meninggal, dan gue nemuin permen kopiko itu masih ada, gue jadi sedih.
Sedih dan merasa bersalah.
Maaf ya Eyang, Tata ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Semenjak itu gue jadi seneng beliin Mbah, mamanya mama, macem-macem.
Gue jadi seneng beliin Mama apa yang Mama butuhin.
Gue ga mau penyesalan itu keulang lagi. Cukup udah waktu sama Eyang.

Dan gue itu jarang banget dipeluk atau dicium sama Eyang.
Tapi tepat 24 jam sebelum Eyang meninggal, pas gue salim abis pulang dari Bekasi, beliau tarik tangan gue, peluk, dan cium dua pipi gue.
Nggak nyangka kalo tepat 24 jam setelahnya, beliau akan pergi untuk selama-lamanya.
Tapi gue seneng, seneng banget, karena Eyang bikin gue yakin kalo beliau itu sayang sama gue.
Ga peduli kalo kita sering berantem, ga tegur-teguran, ga akur satu sama lain.

Eyang, maafin Tata ya.
Walau Tata ga pernah bilang ke Eyang, tapi yang penting Eyang sekarang tau, kalo Tata sayang banget, sayaaaaaaang banget sama Eyang.

You might not know this that that song always reminds me of you.
Those two words remind me of you.
Because I believe, we will be forever and always.
Even we're together or not.
Because you're so important to me.
Even I never told you.
But you know.
You most likely know.
We are not simple.
Our lives are not simple.
The thing we have is never simple.
I slap myself everytime I ask for someone's opinion about how I should do with you.
Because if I don't know the answer, that means they won't either.
And it hurts me so much. And it makes me cry.
Literally cry.
Our choices aren't as simple as:
Stay or leave.
Yes or no.
Love or like.
Talk or shut up.
Lover or else.
We are both.
Do you hear that? We are both.
I have many things to tell you.
I have many things to do with you.
Leaving you, is one of them.
But would I? Could I?
A favourite movie of mine said this but I'm going to change it slightly a bit for you.
If someday I leave you, it's not because I don't love you.
It's because I do.
And it's not because I miss you.
Because I miss you already.
Maybe our story are going to end soon.
Our time is running out.
We are not as young as we were five years ago.
We don't have another five years to waste.
I want to move on with my life. And you should too.
Maybe in several years we'll see each other again in different place.
Maybe we won't be able to talk for hours until late like we did last time.
Maybe we'll be busy with our own lives.
Or maybe,
Maybe we won't meet again.
Just keep my words:
You are amazing. You are important. You are kind and wonderful.
I want you to have the best possible life because you deserve it.
I enjoyed every single hour I spent with you.
And I enjoyed the sweet torture you gave me.
You made me feel lots of things.
Complicated things that I've never felt about before.
No one could give me the feeling before. Because you are special.
And you will always be.
I didn't lie when I told you that you're my favourite.
You are.
Forever and always.

I can't promise you that I'll still love you when I wake up in 7 days.
I can't even promise you that I'll be here tomorrow morning.
I have no power on tomorrow and I won't give you any bull shit by lying about the future.
But if you don't know it yet, or just simply blinded with whatever thing in your eyes, I still love you as much as the first time I told you, 5 years ago. Or even more than I did.
And if it's not enough for you, I don't know what is.

I'm not perfect, so you don't have to be perfect.
I don't want you to be perfect.
We don't have to be perfect.
Even don't need to be perfect for each other.
Our life doesn't have to be perfect.
Our choices can't be perfect.
What we have won't be perfect.
We can't be perfect.

Perfection means nothing's left to be fixed.
Perfection means nothing's left to learn.
I want the flaws. I need the mistakes.
I want to learn. I need to grow.
We can caught in fight. Then we can forgive.
We can be sad and cry. Then we can be full of laughter.

Who said you need to perfect?
I don't need you perfect.