Life is unfair. 

I've realized it since I was 8 when I lost my dear father. 

For a decade after I'm trying hard to understand why God makes such an unfair world. 

Then it struck me that it doesn't matter that life is unfair. 

Because there is an afterlife. 

In afterlife, we'll be judged fairly. 

No matter which family you were born to. 

Whether you have billions or none in your bank account.  

Whether you were a girl or a boy. 

It gave me a peace of mind and I was able to carry forward since then. 

Life is unfair, really. 

But God is not. 

He is the kindest. 

He will not let you suffer for nothing. 

He will not let people hurt other people left unnoticed. 

One day, the time will come. 

And justice will be served.

Three days ago
The last day we met
I don't know for how long

You said

"You will be fine," as you pointed at me
I shook my head
Try really hard to not cry

They took our photos
After one pose, you turned your head to me
"I will miss you," you told me
I smiled, and laughed dryly
"You know I will miss you more, right?"
And you laughed too

Before I left
We hugged for the first,
And last time
You touched my face
"Don't worry, you will be fine,"

Is that a promise?

Because I don't know if I will be.

If I can be.

Yesterday, before your flight took off
You texted me
"I'm really going to miss you.
Be good and see you soon I hope"

I hope so too.

D-30 

Life is not fair, but God is always kind 

You may not always get what you want 
Heck, you're lucky if you get it for half of the time 

There will be times 
When you work harder than the person next to you 
But he will get it instead of you 

Some people may be lucky 
Born pretty 
From a well-educated
Or a wealthy family
They can pursue education, as high as they want to
And they can go everywhere

While you have to save for one year to buy shoes
That finally goes into sale

So who says life is fair?

If you spend your whole life seeking for it
You will spend your whole life being miserable
Because you will not find it, honey

Let it loose
You will be alright

Because life might not be fair for all of us
But remember that
God is always kind

Naturally, we tend to compare our lives with others'.
Sometimes, the excuse was so we can do and be better.
She is studying for five hours a day so she can be the best student in class. So I should study for five hours too.
He is going to gym three times a week and he's lost 10 kg in three months. I should be doing that so I can lose 10 kg too.
And many cases of "I should be doing the same thing with others so I can have the same result as them, or even better".
Can I ask you...

What if you don't?

What if you've studied for six hours a day but you're still at 10th rank in class?
What if you've gone to gym four times a week but you only have lost 5 kg in three months so far?
Do you consider yourself as failure?

Most probably you would.

Only recently I think we shouldn't compare ourselves with others for whatever reasons.
Some people are poorer than the others not because they're less smarter or work less harder.
Some people are last in class not because they didn't pay attention.
Some people don't want to get married not because they don't obey their God :)

Life isn't mathematics.
You can't copy someone else's work and expect the same score.
Because in mathematics, there's only one answer right.
But even in mathematics, there are many ways to get into one right answer.

Some people are rich because they're born rich, or they won a lottery (being rich is winning a life lottery as well!), or they work so much harder than the others, or they're incredibly lucky, or many other reasons.
Some people are the best students because they study hard, or because they're genetically a fast learner, or because they've found the best way to study effectively, or some other reasons.
Etc. Etc.

Us too, can be good in our ways.
Stop comparing ourselves with others.
The only person we should compare ourselves with is us in the past.
And, my friend, it's already pretty damn hard.

For the past 26 years, I've experienced a roller coaster life.
I had a great childhood in my first seven years.
Both of my parents were not perfect but they were supportive of my hobbies of reading, bicycling, and like any other kids, I had to do things I used to hate but now that I'm looking back, I'm thankful they forced me to do it.

Sometimes, or maybe most of times, people don't treat you the way you treat them.
They could treat you worse, way worse; but they can also treat  you better, way much better.
That's how you learn.

Being treated as a shit doesn't give you authority to treat others as shits either.
That doesn't give you the rights to judge.
That doesn't give you justifications to be an asshole.

You can only be happy or be sad or be annoyed as you choose you will be.
Don't let others dictate you what feelings you should feel for the day.
If someone treat you badly and you want to make fuss about it, then please go ahead.
It might make you feel better.
Please do, for yourself.
Just don't do it for someone else.
Don't do it because they deserve a shitty treatment.
Once someone hurts you, they deserve nothing from you.
But you can still choose what to give them.
And that will define you.

That's what will define you.
Not their words.
But you.

I know now how it's like to be wrong but feels so right
It's you

The way you put your arms on my shoulder
When you said things will be alright

Or when you teased me
And can't hide that cheeky smile of yours

I still remember the first time we talked
Or the first time I decided that you were cool

When you complained because I texted you at 11 PM
And you always bring it up when you need something against me

That one day when you pretended being mad at me
I thought it was for real

That night I knew my heart broke
And I almost cried on the way home

But yesterday you told me that you would never be angry at me again
And that you would smile every time we meet

See how I meant by it feels so right?
It does feel so right, doesn't it?

But it's wrong
In many ways, it is

Because you are belong to another world
Where in that world, I don't exist

And I shouldn't be

I always think that I'm blessed more than I deserved.
Especially lately.
I'm extremely grateful with my life - my every day.

How could I not be?

My direct boss is one of the kindest person I've known in my entire life.
He's very patient with me.
Teaching, understanding, guiding, and supporting me.
He's that kind of person who believes that we must grow better every day and aspire to be someone bigger, always.
Just the kind of person I need to have around me.
In his age and with his experience, he doesn't stop learning.
Heck, he's now even taking an online course in his already busy life.
By looking at him, it makes me ashamed if I feel tired or lazy or complain.
We have the same 24 hours.
Yet he manages to exercise, does tons of work, assignments, reads some work-related stuffs, reads more books, watches tv, socializes, and goes to pray.
I'm not even close to that.

And then the directors in the company.
Whom I manage to tease and joke with almost every day.
Keep up with my silliness, not-funny jokes, tantrums, mistakes, but always be supportive and make  me laugh, every time.
They keep me sane.
They make the supposed-to-be-stressful time not stressful.

My colleagues.
The smart-asses people who always make me try to be a better person.
You are everything. Every single of you.
I always wish to be surrounded by people who are better than me.
And you are the answers to that wish.

Well, it's been only short seven months.
I maybe will change my mind later.
But who cares.
I enjoy it now.
I'm happy.
I'm grateful.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world.

Since my Dad passed away, what I felt that I not only lost a father.
But also my mom because in the next year I had to leave the house to live with my relatives.
The new family is awesome, the best you could ask for. I can't imagine my life without them.
But it wasn't easy for a 9 year old girl who just lost her father to adapt in a totally new environment.

Before the doomsday (aka when my father passed away), I always got everything from him.
When I want a new book, new clothes, shoes, or when I want to visit some places.
Isn't that what fathers are for? A wish-granting machine? :P
But after he's gone, I lost that machine.
I also thought that God was very cruel because He took my father away, so I had to get compesation from Him.
I started to talk in my room to Him, about what I feel, what I want, and basically everything.
Since then, it becomes a habit.
Whenever I feel happy, sad, or in need of anything, I simply would say what
I feel and I trust that He hears it.

Even though it looks like a one-way conversation, I know that He listens.
And He responds too. Even though it's simply as the calming sensation that suddenly felt in my heart.
Sometimes, it takes awhile for me getting what I want, but eventually, I get them.

This has been my routine for the last 16 years.
To always tell Him what I feel.
To make a list of things that I want.
To ask Him to always make me a better person.
Because nothing that I want more in this world than become a better person.

I don't believe people who say God only gives you what you need and never gives you what you want.
He's capable of many thing.
And He loves you, more than you love Him.
He would give you what you want.
If you would just ask.

Maybe you have different religion views than me.
Or maybe you don't believe in God.
But I believe that He is there. Everywhere.
And He always does something for you everytime.
If you need it or not.

"Kok dia jago banget sih main musiknya? Bakat deh pasti!"
"Enak ya punya otak pinter, nggak usah belajar capek-capek tapi dapet nilai bagus."
"Kerjaan dia enak ya, gitu-gitu doang tapi uangnya banyak."

Sounds familiar?
Nggak?
Kalo nggak juga nggak apa-apa.
Kalo iya... sama dong!

Nggak bisa bohong, terkadang (nggak selalu!) memang ada rasa kayak gitu.
Merasa hidup itu nggak adil banget (ya emang hidup itu nggak adil sih, makanya ada akhirat :P) tapi inget tentang ketidakadilan cuma pas kita lagi merasa tertindas aja.
Pas lagi enak mikirnya hidup itu adil hahaha.

Memang ada sebagian kecil orang yang punya kemampuan lebih di bidang tertentu. Yang ingatannya bagus, sehingga otomatis kalau mau ujian, dia tinggal mengulang sedikit aja nilainya udah 9.
Dan ada juga sebagian kecil lainnya yang merasa udah belajar semalam suntuk buat ngapalin selama seminggu tapi kok nggak masuk-masuk. Atau udah merasa bisa, tapi nilainya segitu-segitu aja.

Nggak usah bahas yang bagian itu lah.
Nanti panjang.

Bahas yang biasa aja.
Karena gue percaya, di mana ada kemauan, di situ ada jalan.
Dan kerja keras itu tidak akan pernah mengkhianati hasil.
Insya Allah.

Kenapa tiba-tiba bahas ini?

Karena minggu lalu gue ke workshop dengan Marco Steffiano dan Tesla Manaf sebagai pembicara.
Detailnya nggak perlu gue ceritain. Nanti panjang.
Intinya di situ gue dapet pelajaran simple yang berharga.
Tentang betapa kerja keras itu memang perlu.

Kata Marco, Barasuara itu latihan di studio selama dua tahun demi mencapai hasil yang mereka inginkan.
Dua tahun lho.
Gila.
Kebayang nggak punya adik atau kakak yang selama dua tahun kalo ditanya mau ke mana jawabannya, "Mau latihan ngeband."
Bahkan mungkin banyak yang baru latihan ngeband beberapa bulan udah males. Atau udah kepengen manggung. Atau mulai pecah karena satu per satu personilnya nggak dateng latihan lagi.
Belum sukses aja udah bubar, piye?
Jadi menurut gue emang Barasuara ini sekarang sedang menuai hasil latihan mereka itu,
Nggak sia-sia kan latihan dua tahun, mereka menang best live act dari Rolling Stone Indonesia di tahun 2016.

Marco juga cerita kalau Gerald Situmorang itu punya stock lagu sebanyak lebih dari 200 lagu.
Jadi lagu-lagu ciptaan Gerald yang kita denger selama ini itu cuma sebagian kecilnya aja.
Kalo kita udah nyiptain lebih dari 200 lagu sih pasti ada kan yang bagus, walaupun cuma satu.
Tapi kalo baru nyiptain 20 lagu aja tapi udah kesel karena lagunya nggak ada yang bagus, lalu kamu berhenti... duh!

Tesla juga berpendapat demikian walau di hari itu kita nggak sedang membahas tentang kerja keras sebagai tema.
Dia menyarankan, kalau mau main musik dengan bagus, kuncinya cuma latihan.
"Latihan lagu yang lo suka, sampai lo benci sama lagu itu, cinta lagi, benci lagi, cinta lagi, terus aja begitu"
Bahkan dia pernah mengarahkan suatu band yang selama beberapa waktu harus latihan dengannya selama 10-12 jam setiap harinya.
Karena dia memang sangat percaya kalau mau jadi lebih baik, kuncinya ya cuma latihan.

Kalau nggak salah gue pernah denger Hanuraga bilang kalau main piano bukanlah first nature-nya dia. Entah apa, dia nggak cerita.
Dia bisa main piano kayak sekarang itu karena latihan keras.
He has chosen piano so he works harder for it.
Bukan cuma sekedar yang merasa berbakat lalu latihan seadanya dan bisa jadi kayak dia.

Seringnya kita nggak tau, atau nggak mau tau, tentang proses di balik sebuah pencapaian.
Dan ketika sudah tau pun, nggak mau untuk berada di posisi mereka untuk menjalani proses yang sama.
Walaupun menurut gue sih salah kalo kita mau sukses seperti Agnes Monica tapi ngikutin jalannya Agnes secara identikal. Karena setiap orang-orang punya cara dan jalannya sendiri.
Choose the one which will suit you the best!

Banyak sih quotes tentang hard work yang berseliweran dan bisa dipilih yang mana yang bisa memotivasi diri kita secara optimal.

Mari berusaha (lebih) keras!

Selama saya dibesarkan, saya tidak menerima banyak pujian.
Atau bisa saja saya yang tidak ingat.
Well, sewaktu saya umur 4-5 tahun sih saya menerima appraisal karena Papa sukses mengajarkan saya Bahasa Inggris dari sebelum saya masuk SD.
Tapi setelah itu, khususnya setelah Papa meninggal, ga ada lagi yang ngasih appraisal di hidup saya.
Not that I complained. It happened. It couldn't be done otherwise, right?
Tapi mungkin itulah alasan kenapa saya menjadi orang yang tidak pernah percaya diri dan awkward.
Setiap saya menerima pujian, saya tidak percaya kalau saya berhak atas pujian tersebut.
Sometimes, it makes me looks arrogant, karena reaksi saya biasanya diam, senyum datar, atau paling bilang terima kasih secara standard.
In other situation gue jugs bisa menjawab, "I'm not doing anything good. It's just what I'm supposed to do."
Tapi itu bukan berarti gue ga seneng menerima appraisal lho.
Beberapa minggu yang lalu gue nerima pujian pertama gue dari beberapa colleagues gue.
I'm really flattered and appreciate it.
Tapi setengah dari gue ga percaya karena bagi gue I didn't do anything great.
I'm just doing my job.

Di HOL, gue juga hampir selalu meragukan diri sendiri, dalam hal apapun.
The good thing is, I have Sam.
Dari 4 tahun yang lalu pertama kali gue kenal Sam, dia yang selalu ngasih gue tantangan baru.
Something bigger each time, yang bahkan gue sendiri ga percaya kalo gue bisa ngerjain hal itu.
But in the end, I could.
She believes in me more than anyone ever believed in me.
And I believe that everyone needs a person in their life who is like that.
I'm lucky to have her.
Sampai sekarang, kalo dia ngasih gue kerjaan baru, gue cuma bisa jawab, "If you think I can do that, then I will."

Was it good to grow up receiving less appraisal?
I honestly don't know.
Tapi yang jelas gue merasa senang pihak-pihak yang mendidik gue tidak pernah mengiming-imingi rewards.
Entah itu sekedar "Beli ini ke warung, kembaliannya buat kamu", hadiah kalau puasanya full satu bulan, juara kelas, atau apapun itu.
Karena lalu saya mengerti bahwa mengerjakan sesuatu itu tidak perlu imbalan dalam bentuk apapun.
Bahkan terkadang, kita juga tidak bisa mengharapkan imbalan dalam hasil yang baik.
Shit happens, right?

It was a random thoughts I have after receiving another compliment from my boss this morning.
And I haven't even replied his email of compliment.
I don't even know if I would.

Sometimes I wonder, what have I done so right to deserve these people.
Temen-temen online yang belum pernah gue temui, kecuali lewat skype atau tukeran holidays card doang.
Tapi tetep berusaha catch up di sela-sela kesibukan, buat nanya kabar dan what they missed while we're not in contact.
Skype seharian, ngedengerin story telling, sampe ketiduran.
Nyari tau cara gue dapet visa Amerika.
Ngerencanain liburan bareng gue.
Bilang kalo mereka nungguin gue buat ngunjungin mereka di apartmentnya.
Ah :')

Gue percaya apa yg gue inginkan bisa jadi nyata.
Dan gue percaya gue bisa ketemu mereka one day.
Entah gimana caranya, itu bukan urusan gue.

Suatu hari nanti, kita bakalan all-nighteran lagi, tapi in person.
Together.

Everyday, I specifically ask God to make me a better person.
And I think, being a better person is not about the result, but rather about the journey.
God doesn't make me wiser or smarter overnight, but He'll put me in a situation that can make me wiser and smarter. Which if I could pass it, I will be exactly as what I prayed.

And I'm in a journey to be a better person everyday.
So I tried to be more heedful.
As I grow older, I meet more people from many backgrounds and with many personalities.
The ones that I didn't think I could meet but then I do.
Especially since I join a new company.
Before I thought expatriate in my country only sit in highest positions but now here, they're sitting in the same cubicles as locals.
Before I thought my previous boss was humble and kind enough, but my recent boss is even MORE humble and kinder and funnier in many ways and it makes me love him so much!
Before I thought I couldn't find co-workers like my previous ones, but my recent co-workers are as lovely as them (even though I still miss my old co-workers a lot too!)
Before I thought there's no stronger bound like my previous company, but my recent company's employees have even STRONGER bound!

God always replaces things with better things, every time.
I never doubt that.
Yet He still proves that it's true and make my faith even bigger.

I used to moan and complain about Monday but for the last few weeks, I didn't.
I enjoy and is excited of Monday because there's a weekly meeting which is fun because it's so casual and not boring, it's also very much shorter than we did in my previous company.

I also have my good friend as my roommate.
My relationship with my family is stronger than ever.

Dear God,
I would never be able to thank You enough for all these blessings.
I can't even count it.
Thank you so much for the best part of  my life... yet!
I believe you still have a lot to surprise me later :)