(This post has no offense to those who were born on April, every month has meaning for every different people).


April has different kind of meaning for me.
My lovely dad passed away on April.
So what do you think I'm supposed to do?
I feel bitter every time this month come.
I count every day to his death day and flashback to when it was on April 2000.
Because on April 1st 2000, I still had a father.
He was healthy, all was safe and sound.
I can't help to replay all the bad memories back on my head.
Each day on April kill a little part of me.
It's just, I wish it would stop at some point.
But in the same time, I also wish it wouldn't.
April will always be my Achilles heels.
On April I'm an 8 years old girl.
On April I remember how my Dad died.
On April I wish he didn't die.
On April I miss my Dad.
More, more, much more than any other time.

But please.
Don't tell me not to.

"And now it's time for one last bow.
Like your other selves.
Eleven's hour is over now.
The clock is striking twelve."

Eleven put down his bowtie and fez on Christmas night 2013.
After serving us all adventures in time and space for 3 years, Matt Smith decided to retire from being the Eleventh Doctor.
It was such big shoes to fill after Tennant.
I felt like he wasn't quite the Doctor until season 6.
It took kinda long for me to enjoy his performance. But I get there, eventually.

Somehow, Doctor Who always makes me feel like I was the companion.
I felt like I was Rose when it was Ten.
And then I felt like I was Amy when it was Eleven.
That's why I love Ten and Eleven felt like a childhood bestfriend for me.

It was hard to let go of Ten.
It's always hard to let go of your love.
But can you imagine let go of a childhood bestfriend?

Eleven,
Thank you for being a bestfriend for me, for all Whovian who feels so.
Thank you for making everything awkward looks cool. And makes cool is not cool.
Thank you for the drunk giraffe dance. Now I know how to awkwardly dance and doesn't feel ashamed to it.
Thank you for the bow ties, fez, stetson, fish fingers and custard.
Thank you for the laugh you gave after we cried in The Eleventh Hour.
Thank you for everything.

Matt Smith,
Good luck. And good night, our raggedy man.

2013 was a great year for me.
I loved being 21.
I loved meeting new people in 2013.
I loved learning, even it means that I was also hurted.
I cried, probably, a lot.
But I laughed more than I cried, so it was good.
I made friends. They are nice.
I lost someone very dear to me. But I guess it was for the best.
My relationship with my mum was getting much better.
I figured out many things.
The wishes I made when I was 19 came true.
And now I have the new ones. The bigger ones.
I feel that I grew better.
I feel like that I have became of what I wanted to when I was younger.
Now, like I said, is time to dream bigger, plan better, work harder, and pray often.
And I hope 2014 is the right time for it.

Let's do this!

1. Mum
2. Lebaran 2013
3. Balikpapan Expo 2013
4. All Time Low concert 230813
5. FCVR 240813
6. SQL (Muffins Marauders)
7. Ravenclaw 010713
8. Ravenclaw Quidditch Team
9. Neverland <3
10. Cumberbitches <3
11. Harry Potter English version books
12. Sherlock Holmes English version & collector's classic edition book
13. The death of Eleven Doctor
14. Doctor Who 50th Anniversary
15. Star Trek: Into The Darkness
16. Benedict Cumberbatch
17. Tom Hiddleston
18. Alex Turner
19. Arctic Monkeys' AM
20. Lorde's Pure Heroine
21. The Harvest's cakes
22. Sherlock
23. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
24. The 1975
25. Passenger's All The Little Light
26. All Time Low's Don't Panic It's Longer Now
27. Mika
28. Gabrielle Aplin's English Rain
29. Fall Out Boy's Save Rock & Roll
30. Jake Bugg's Shangri La
31. Panic! At The Disco's Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die
32. Stuck in Love
33. Percy Jackson: The Sea of Monster
34. Top Gear
35. Hanif
36. Aufa 121113
37. Being a logistic, HR, and Mr. Brad's assistant
38. Kaka the cat
39. Botanical Garden
40. Path
41. Evernote
42. Duolingo
43. Last.Fm

My mother is special.
She is silly.
She has younger soul than me.
She has a bigger heart than me.
She has warmer arms than me.
She has brightest smile than me.
She is stronger than me.
She loves me, when I ignored her.
She gave me space.
She never questioned me and all my weird decisions. .
She doesn't understand me, and she never tried to.
And it's okay. Because she doesn't need to.
She just understands, that she only needs to be there for me.
To be happy and healthy.
And just to be there.
Because she's my home.
She is my life.
She is my light.
She is the best part of me.
She is my angel.
She is my mother.

I love you, mother.
I love you.

When I was younger, I pretty much didn't have many things that I wanted.
I was a realist, still a realist.
But now I believe about things, dreams, wishes, desires, and if I really work on them, they could really come true. Which I didn't, back when I was a teenager.
Silly, I know.

I have a great and truly inspiring coworker.
She's much older and I love learning everything from her.
And one about the wishing bit she told her was that everything we wished, hoped, wanted, even though we didn't really work on it, could come true.
Even it's in weeks, months, years, but it will eventually come true.
And that changed my point of view in big ways.

In my previous post I told about how my previous dreams all came true.
And now I basically left with no dreams lol.
Well, I still want to continue my education.
But this silly me still doesn't know what I want to be.
I would love to have a bakery or nice bookshop someday.
So I would probably need to take a baking course.

Other than that, I, sure, know I want to live abroad someday.
England, precisely. But anywhere English country, really.
But that's most unlikely to happen in any close time.
Unless, of course, if God said so.

And the other day, I had this light chat with my friend, Sam.
She lives in US and had lived in London, as well France.
I told her I would love to visit London someday, and she said she wouldn't let me visit London without her.
Then I think that it could really happen.
I mean, in my young age. Not in 10 years later or so.
I could really start saving my money and see if God gives me a way.

So other than taking baking course, live abroad, and visit London, I have one other big dreams: buying a nice house.
I'm not an out person. I spend most of my free times at home. Sitting in front of my laptop, watching movies, reading books, listening to music, watching concert videos, or writing a blog post, sometimes.
I go out only when I need to, like seeing friends, buying stuffs, eating, or seeing movies.
So I really want to have a nice house.
Not a big one, no, I don't quite a fan of big house. They kinda scare me lol.
Just a nice one. Comfy one.

And those are my new dreams.
Are you supposed to have big dreams when you're 22?
I think so.
When you have your own income, you've seen, heard, experienced more things than when you were a teenager, I think you're supposed to have bigger dreams.
But big things come with big responsibilities.
You know what?
I'm ready for them.

Do you remember what you wished when you were 5? Or 10? Or 15?
Nope? Me neither.
I grew wishing my Dad comes back alive after I was 8. And I didn't remember what I wished other than that.
But after I worked and could buy things I wanted, I started make wishing list - or things to buy.
And the first I made it was middle of 2012.
I wrote it in the google document. But I never checked it again after then.
I wrote it only as a declaration for my self, that those are things I want to buy, but not necessarily I must buy in very soon-ish.
I never remembered that particular list until recently, few days or so.
After I finally found English version of Harry Potter books I wanted so much, and finally, bought it!
Then I told my friend, "You know, this is what I've been wanted since God knows when."
And she told me, "God is kind, right? You may not remember when you wish it, but He still gives you."
Then I remembered, I had this one little list of things I wanted to buy. I found and read it.
And guess what, ALL of my wishing list have been come true!
I've bought all of things I wanted back in 2012. And I didn't even plan it!
Even more, the things I wanted that was not in the list!

The things I put on the list were basically things I always wanted for a long time.
Or things I really really really want.
One of them was Harry Potter books English version, which I've always wanted since what, I'm 15?
And I put them there because I'm not sure I could afford to buy them all, or at least in one year time.
But God made it comes true.
Not only He granted it in only 1,5 year time, He also lets me to buy them all by my own money!

Then I realized, that God really listens to every single wish, every single pray, that you may not say it, but your heart did.
We usually just complain on how He never listens to our prayings, and the things we think we need right now are the ones we don't have.
But we're wrong.
God knows the best time to make your wishes come true.
God knows the best way to make your wishes come true.
And God will make your wishes come true, when you're least expecting it.

Semenjak gue sekolah, gue punya temen-temen yang punya kesukaan dan ketidaksukaan macem-macem. Ada yang ga suka nasi, atau makanan tertentu. Dimana gue waktu itu adalah penyuka segala. Semua makanan enak bagi gue. Semua jenis makanan oke di mulut gue. Gue pikir waktu itu gue punya kelainan karena ga bisa ngebedain mana makanan yang disuka dan yang ga disuka haha. Tapi ternyata cuma masalah waktu. Belum saatnya.

Seiring dengan berjalannya waktu, gue bertambah tua dan dewasa, gue semakin tau apa yang gue mau. Dan dengan itu juga gue jadi punya hal-hal yang gue suka dan tidak suka. Bahkan ada juga hal-hal yang ga bisa gue toleransi sama sekali.
Dan sebaliknya, ada hal-hal yang tadinya gue ga suka, sekarang udah mulai bisa menerima dan biasa.

Gue masih ga suka hujan, masih ga begitu suka pantai.
Dulu gue ga bisa toleransi sama perokok, pasti gue judesin di mana pun kapanpun. Tapi sekarang gue udah bisa toleransi dan berpikir, "Suka-suka lo deh!" walau pasti masih gue judesin kalo orangnya ngerokok ga liat-liat situasi, kondisi, dan tempat.
Dulu gue termasuk fobia darah, temen-temen deket gue waktu sekolah dulu pasti tau. Tapi sekarang udah biasa aja, walau masih ga suka bau darah.
Dulu pulang malem seneng-seneng aja, karena bisa main sama temen lama-lama. Tapi sekarang ga suka sama sekali dan pulang malem cuma buat ketemu sama orang-orang tertentu yang syaratnya juga banyak. Oh, dan kalo lembur kerja.
Dulu gue suka berbagai macam makanan dan minuman. Tapi sekarang, udah ga kuat soda, ga begitu suka nasi (jadi ga tiap hari makan nasi), ga begitu suka mie, ga suka banget mie ayam, tenggorokan gue juga jadi sensitif banget sama bahan pengawet, ga suka pepaya, ga suka pisang, ga suka bau kulit ayam, ga suka manis-manis, ga suka santan-santanan, dan lain-lain.
Dimana, dulu-dulu, gue malah seneng banget makan makanan di atas.
Tapi gue masih makan eskrim hampir setiap minggu. Masih suka bakso. Masih suka oreo. Masih suka potato chips (walau Chitato sekarang terasa aneh bagi gue).

Dipikir-pikir, lucu ya, badan kita beradaptasi sama lingkungan dan pengalaman yang tubuh kita alami.
Dia menyortir sendiri dan menentukan mana yang kita suka dan ga suka.
Gue berharap nanti ada saatnya di mana tubuh gue membuat gue ga suka susu dan daging merah.
Bukan karena gue sakit tentunya. Jangan sampe.

I know I'm one day behind this.
Yesterday was my 22nd's birthday.
I never enjoyed birthdays.
Probably I did when I was kid and Dad used to throw me parties.
But as I remember, I don't like birthdays (and parties), because too much attention for one day!
Even so, I think it's really rude if you ignore the birthday wishes you got or even gave them frowned face when they said happy birthday.
I suppose you must look happy in your birthdays, no matter what! 

My mum was being super awesome by sending me a birthday message at 1 am.
Even I was born at 1 pm, so it's technically still 12 hours away lol.
But that's a highlight there.
The people I love all remembered my birthdays so I was really happy talking to them about birthday greetings.

I received belated birthday wishes today from my uncles and aunts.
It doesn't matter, really! I probably like it more, because it means no too much attention in one day XD
Only about three people in my work knows my birthday, and it's really good for me.
But my boss gave me extra job to do, so that's a birthday present from him lol.

While lunch, I sat with a certain person and we had a good conversation for about 40 minutes there.
About death. About the people who we knew dead.
For the first time ever, I talked to a person about my dad and almost teared up.
Even he realized that I was sad so he started talking about something else.
And he probably the only who understand, why I want to die young.
I didn't explain anything, but he said "I wish you'd die young." and I wish him the same.
It was the best birthday conversation I've ever had.

HAPPY 22!
LET'S DANCE~

1 September 2012 - 1 September 2013.
This is the start of my third year in HOL.
Last year I was a squibby squib, but today I'm an eaglety eagle.
So happy finally found a home, after 9 months floating around space on my broomstick.
I've always considered Ravenclaw as my house - way before HOL.
I never thought that I was smart, or wise, or logical, or very Ravenclaw-ish.
But isn't there a quote saying that "It's not about where do you come from that makes who you are, it's what you choose and where you're heading too."
I was sorted into Gryffindor in my first year, a lion with big thick hair and brave heart. I stood to my friends and my dear ones, until it really kicked me down to the hole.
But then in my second year, I chose to be a Ravenclaw. An eagle with wings who is always ready to fly and soar. Who will rip you apart when you mess with my beloved ones. But I wouldn't let you hurt me, because I wouldn't be here, I would be in sky watching people I care about from feet distances apart.

SQL this year was the right moment to come back to HOL after few months idling.
Amy Charz and Matilde Rayne were really kind to invite me to be on their team, Muffins Marauders: The Fame Bandits of Baked Goods.
Together with Allison Sullivan, Sirius Fudge, Xavier Dalen, Shiloh Adlar, Rosalie Mason, and someone else I forgot the name (sorry!), we totally rocked SQL and even got the second place!
In the end, I was really happy with messages I received.
My friends said they were proud, impressed, and happy watched me got better than I ever was before.
And I think you know, there's no better feeling than knowing that you've made people you care about proud.

I'm also made to be in RQT in the same time!
Even I was deeply, really really sad that Kyrie Adderholt should be stepped down from the Quidditch captain chair and shall be set free!
Because I really adore her, love her, and want her to be my captain for another year.
She was my captain for SQL and it was amazing. I'm really unlucky she stepped down just in time I joined RQT.

My HOLife this year is all about brand new things: Houses, Quidditch team.
And I love new things!
I hope my dark sad times in HOL have been passed - since I probably had enough dramz for the wholelife, and I will be having sunshine butterflies rainbow times instead :D

It doesn't matter where or when you meet a friend.
It doesn't matter whom they are. Or how their lives.
When you tried so hard to fit into shoes that don't fit you, it'll hurt.
So do friends.
You don't need too hard to find good and real ones.
Life will show you.
These people below, are people who life has shown me, what friends are.
Friends, don't mean they are from the world where you're from.
Friends, don't mean we need to be exactly the same.
Friends, don't mean we need to meet and talk everyday.
Friends, don't expect your best, but they make you're the best. 
And do you know, that sometimes, friends are forever.

13 years seem a lot of time.
It's a very long time, indeed.
Everyday I pray that this is only a dream.
That I will wake up one day finding my dad is just sleeping in the room next to mine.
Or that I was just asleep on the train our way back from amusement park.
Or anything, but just tell me one thing: tell me that my dad is not dead.

I love him with the whole of my heart, every then and now.
I miss him everyday since 13 years ago.

Today is the day when he was dead.
I don't know if I'm supposed to not remember today, but I always do.
And I can't imagine the year when I forget that 25 April is the day when my life fell apart.
I hope I never will.

And today, the 13th of 25 April.
And today, I remember you, like I always do.
I love you dear father, forever and always.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was a kind of fat and she had a (almost very) skinny friend.
She was busy with all her plans to lose weight while her friend felt okay with her body.
She worked out in Gym, her friend ate all food she wanted but never got fat.
They liked to hang out together, but she also liked to make fun of her friend.
She said that she's a skinny bitch, she looked unhealthy, had small boobs, and other mean things.
She forgot what she said overnight, but her words carved on her friend's mind forever.

And now her friend's wondering.
Why people say big girls are beautiful but when people say "skinny girls are beautiful" that sounds very obsessed?
Why when people say "You look fatter" it sounds so rude, but when they say "You look skinnier" is okay? Don't they ever think that it could hurt too?
Do people always think skinny people doesn't need pity so we can call them skinny bitches?
Is it okay to make fun of skinny people like that? Or is it just YOU who want to be skinny so bad you start making fun of them just to make you feel okay to be not skinny?

The pictures from the first week I met you flashes in my mind.
We were eleven, knew nothing but your favorite sports and my obsession to be the best at everything.
You always said that I was bright, but you don't know that you always looked so cool to me.
The red tshirt you wore on that day, it still reminds me of you until today.
You said this is the story and it's about us, it's never going to end.
You made me believe, for once, there's a thing that could last forever.
But then, the fate stepped in.
I was the girl who couldn't stay and you're the boy who couldn't wait.
And soon I saw you walking with my ghost whom I wished it was me.

Time flew and we lost count.
God knocked our doors in the same time and we faced each other after a very long while.
He broke my heart, you gave me laughter.
After 8 years part, once again you made me believe.

Us still us but some things change.
I'm the girl who couldn't trust, and you're the boy who couldn't promise.
Even all the butterflies fly, we agreed to watch each other leave.

Then I saw your name again early this morning.
It's ringing on my mind, so clear, so bright.
But you're there and I'm here.
We're waiting for God knocks our doors once again to let the fate steps in.

You didn't know this.
That you were the first thing I could hang on and believe to, in this bitter and brand new city.
So now I'm pouring out what's on my mind.
I need to thank you for lots of things that we've been through.

Wish our story is not ended yet.

I wrote this a few days ago while I was at work and had so many painful thoughts in mind, but my heart kept telling me that "Everything happens for a very good reason."

Now, is 10:21 am.
Not a midday yet, but I have so many questions in my head.

People said, the love of a mother would never abandoned you in life.
So, why did my mother forget 20 of my birthdays and never called me to ask if I'm still alive?
Does she really not care or she just trust me I would survive and be alive even she hasn't heard anything from me for 10 months straight?

People said, what you have is what you deserve.
Does that mean I don't deserve my dad?
The only person I want to live forever with, the only one I loved so much with all of my heart, the one and only regret in my life.
Or God just love him so much He wanted him to live much better on His side? And by that, my dad can be with me wherever I go, grow up together with me in my heart?

People said, it's a good thing to make people around you happy.
But what if that the only person that care about my happiness is myself? And I feel like obligate of it. So I stop caring about those who doesn't care about me.
Contradiction, what if the life is not about yourself, never about yourself? What if the happiness will be found in the process of making people happy?

People said, life without a problem is not a life at all.
But how does one solve so many problems at once with no place to run into.
God, is the answer.
God never gives any problem that you can't handle. So when you have a problem, just believe that God knows you can handle it. Why do you need to doubt yourself when God trust you?

People said, family is what all you have when everything in the world turn you down.
What if the family who turn you down? What do I have left? Where do I need to run to?
I don't know about this one.