Sometimes, you're not in the best of yourself. Heck, you're even in your worst self.
Sometimes, instead of trying again, you quit.
Sometimes, instead of getting up, you give up.

Not everyone has a strong mind, body, or feeling.
Me? Never any of them.
I have disappointed many people, leaving many friends, quitting many processes.
I just never thought today would happen.

I'm not in my best self and maybe I would regret it one day.
How I was supposed to stay, fight, and not give up instead.
But it's done.

I quit. For good.
Hurting and disappointing many people in the process.
I'm really sorry. You know I am.
You deserve the best of people around you and I'm not one of them.
I keep making mistakes, messing up, and never be good enough.
No matter how hard I try.

You know how much I love you and how I look up to you but I'm done hurting you.
And even though being done with it means I hurt you once again, and maybe leave bigger scar now.

For me, you're always that person who once tried to change me to be a stronger, tougher, braver person but I failed to be any of those. And it's not your fault. It's never yours.
You're always my good friend, even though I'm not for you.

Thank you for everything.

Selama saya dibesarkan, saya tidak menerima banyak pujian.
Atau bisa saja saya yang tidak ingat.
Well, sewaktu saya umur 4-5 tahun sih saya menerima appraisal karena Papa sukses mengajarkan saya Bahasa Inggris dari sebelum saya masuk SD.
Tapi setelah itu, khususnya setelah Papa meninggal, ga ada lagi yang ngasih appraisal di hidup saya.
Not that I complained. It happened. It couldn't be done otherwise, right?
Tapi mungkin itulah alasan kenapa saya menjadi orang yang tidak pernah percaya diri dan awkward.
Setiap saya menerima pujian, saya tidak percaya kalau saya berhak atas pujian tersebut.
Sometimes, it makes me looks arrogant, karena reaksi saya biasanya diam, senyum datar, atau paling bilang terima kasih secara standard.
In other situation gue jugs bisa menjawab, "I'm not doing anything good. It's just what I'm supposed to do."
Tapi itu bukan berarti gue ga seneng menerima appraisal lho.
Beberapa minggu yang lalu gue nerima pujian pertama gue dari beberapa colleagues gue.
I'm really flattered and appreciate it.
Tapi setengah dari gue ga percaya karena bagi gue I didn't do anything great.
I'm just doing my job.

Di HOL, gue juga hampir selalu meragukan diri sendiri, dalam hal apapun.
The good thing is, I have Sam.
Dari 4 tahun yang lalu pertama kali gue kenal Sam, dia yang selalu ngasih gue tantangan baru.
Something bigger each time, yang bahkan gue sendiri ga percaya kalo gue bisa ngerjain hal itu.
But in the end, I could.
She believes in me more than anyone ever believed in me.
And I believe that everyone needs a person in their life who is like that.
I'm lucky to have her.
Sampai sekarang, kalo dia ngasih gue kerjaan baru, gue cuma bisa jawab, "If you think I can do that, then I will."

Was it good to grow up receiving less appraisal?
I honestly don't know.
Tapi yang jelas gue merasa senang pihak-pihak yang mendidik gue tidak pernah mengiming-imingi rewards.
Entah itu sekedar "Beli ini ke warung, kembaliannya buat kamu", hadiah kalau puasanya full satu bulan, juara kelas, atau apapun itu.
Karena lalu saya mengerti bahwa mengerjakan sesuatu itu tidak perlu imbalan dalam bentuk apapun.
Bahkan terkadang, kita juga tidak bisa mengharapkan imbalan dalam hasil yang baik.
Shit happens, right?

It was a random thoughts I have after receiving another compliment from my boss this morning.
And I haven't even replied his email of compliment.
I don't even know if I would.