Ada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berziarah ke Mekah
Ada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berjudi di Miraza

Tapi aku ingin habiskan waktuku di sisimu, sayangku
Bicara tentang anjing-anjing kita yang nakal dan lucu
Atau tentang bunga-bunga yang manis di lembah mendala wangi

Ada serdadu-serdadu Amerika yang mati kena bom di Danang
Ada bayi-bayi yang mati lapar di Biafra

Tapi aku ingin mati di sisimu, manisku
Setelah kita bosan hidup dan terus bertanya-tanya
Tentang tujuan hidup yang tak satu setan pun tahu

Mari, sini sayangku
Kalian yang pernah mesra, yang pernah baik dan simpati padaku
Tegakklah ke langit luas atau awan yang mendung
Kita tak pernah menanamkan apa-apa, kita takkan pernah kehilangan apa-apa

Catatan Seorang Demonstran, Selasa, 11 November 1969

It must have been very lonely for those people who know that they were going to die.
I think they would feel lonely, so suddenly.
That they wished they had more time to do more things.
That they wished they would have done many things they skipped in life.
Or that they wished they would go meet people in their lives and tell them something that they didn't.

In the last couple days I feel lonely.
Not because my friends leave me alone or not talk to me.
It just I feel like I want to meet them all at once and hug them.
And talk to them until we're tired.
I miss them.

Also I miss my mom.
And want to keep her really close to me. Hug her and never let her go.

It's a feeling that makes me feel isolated from reality.

Saya masih inget ketemu kamu dulu di bulan September. Beberapa hari setelah ulang tahun saya.
Saya masih inget kamu ngasih saya biskuit. Kamu pasti ga inget. Ga penting.
Saya masih inget waktu duduk-duduk di musholla sama temen-temen saya, kamu terus dateng naik motor yang merah itu. Dan sejak hari itu, saya terus nungguin kamu dateng di situ.
Saya masih inget waktu diem-diem naruh kue di motor kamu. Terus kamu sms saya setelahnya, pake nomor temen kamu, karena kamu ga punya pulsa hehe.
Saya masih inget waktu kamu suruh saya baca tulisan kamu di mading trus kasih komentar. Kamu ga tau kan, kalau itu awal pertama di mana saya jadi suka sejarah.
Saya masih inget kamu dulu bilang kalau saya pengirim sms ke-500 di hp kamu.
Saya juga masih inget terakhir saya ngeliat kamu. Saya cuma bisa ngeliatin kamu dari jauh. Seperti biasa. Dan ga ngomong apa-apa juga ke kamu.

Pasti menurut kamu saya itu aneh banget.
Kamu pernah bilang, kamu nggak ngerti sama orang-orang seperti saya.
Orang-orang yang mengagumi orang lain sama seperti saya mengagumi kamu.
Dan kamu pasti ngerasa saya lebih aneh lagi karena saya masih inget ini semua bertahun-tahun setelah itu.

Saya lupa kapan kita berteman di Facebook.
Saya juga lupa kapan kamu mengganti ulang tahunmu di Facebook, jadi tepat sehari sebelum ulang tahun saya. Ga ada maksud apa-apa, pastinya.
Bertahun-tahun saya kira kamu lupa sama saya.
Saya bahkan cuma pernah sekali ngucapin ulang tahun lewat Facebook ke kamu. Yang kamu balas sekadarnya.

Tapi hari ini, saya melihat kamu akan melangkah ke jenjang yang lebih besar. Akhirnya.
Saya senang sekali.
Walau ada sedih juga, pas sadar, betapa sudah jauhnya kita semua dari masa SMA.
Yang dulu saya cuma mengagumi kamu lewat tembok sekolah, sekarang kamu ada di kota lain dengan rencana yang jauh lebih besar.
Lalu saya mengucapkan selamat, dan kamu menyebut nama saya.
Yang membuat saya sadar, kalau kamu ternyata masih inget sama nama saya.
Sama saya.
Gatau deh cerita apa yang kamu inget dari saya.
Pengen rasanya nanya begitu ke kamu. Tapi yaudahlah.

Terima kasih lho, L.
Dari hari pertama kenal kamu, sampai hari ini, kamu nggak pernah bikin saya nangis.
Kamu, pertama-tama, bikin saya baca Sejarah. Suka Sejarah.
Kamu bikin saya nonton film Gie, dari pas pertama nonton ketiduran, sampe sehari pernah nonton tiga kali.
Kamu bikin saya cari tahu tentang penyakit hepatitis.
Kamu bikin saya belajar bikin kukis
Kamu bikin saya membuat rencana, dan berusaha mewujudkannya..
Kamu bikin masa-masa SMA saya berkesan.
Dan saya harap, saya juga punya kesan walau setitik, buat kamu.

Semoga kamu bahagia dan rencana-rencana kamu tercapai.
Semoga saya masih bisa ngeliat kamu sesekali, di manapun itu.
Sampai ketemu lagi di suatu hari nanti. Semoga.

Saya ngerasa kadang (atau sering) terlalu sensitif dan emosional terhadap suatu keadaan.
Kayak, waktu ada temen online yang putus (saya kenal keduanya), saya ikutan sediiiih banget. Dan waktu saya bilang ke si cewek kalau saya ikutan sedih, dia malah ngerasa aneh, "Kenapa lo jadi ikutan sedih?"
Haha, bener juga, kesannya gue creep abis.

Sekarang, Nisa, temen saya dari SMA (temen cewek saya dari SMA bisa dihitung pake jari tangan) sudah lulus, wisuda, dan hari ini dia pulang ke Bogor.
Ngedenger itu saya jadi ikutan sedih. Sedih banget sampe bisa nangis kalo diterusin.

Hal itu berlaku sebaliknya juga.
Kalo ada kabar gembira, saya bisa sampe nangis terharu atau ngerasa bangga ga normal.

Mungkin bagi orang lain aneh, atau aneh banget malah.
Saya aja ngerasa aneh.
Ketika saya ngedenger masalah atau berita, saya berusaha menempatkan posisi saya sebagai objek tersebut. Itu membantu sekali kalau orang butuh masukan dari saya. Dan itu kebawa sampe ke banyak hal.

Saya tipe orang yang kalau saya nge-like foto atau postingan di manapun, berarti saya beneran suka.
Seumur-umur baru dua kali saya ngelike foto dengan alasan ngevote temen. Bukannya ga suka juga, that's just not me.
Posting di Path pun begitu. Saya ga posting sesuatu yg sekiranya mereka suka. Atau ngelike post orang lain supaya mereka ngelike balik.

Jadi ya inilah saya.
Kalau saya bilang kangen, sayang, pengen ketemu, ngucapin selamat, ngedoain, itu bukan cuma sekedar ekspresi.
Itu dari hati yang kadang saya harap, orang lain bisa ngeliat tentang itu.

Waktu kecil saya punya asma yang sering kambuh. Ga boleh jajan es.
Sekarang saya alhamdulillah sudah lebih sehat dan asmanya sudah ga pernah kambuh. Jadi boleh jajan es hehe.

Waktu umur 8 tahun, saya ditinggal Papa.
Tapi saya ga ditinggal Mama juga. Dan keluarga saya (khususnya keluarga Papa) masih peduli sama saya dan adik-adik saya.

Waktu SMP, temen-temen saya pada suka beli novel. Sedangkan saya cuma bisa minjem walau kepengen juga punya tapi uang jajan terbatas. Akhirnya cuma kesampean nulis novel-novelan doang yang dibaca sama temen-temen deket haha.
Sekarang saya bisa beli buku apapun yang saya mau (yah walau masih terbatas juga range harganya), tanpa perlu cuma kepengen aja hehe.

Waktu SMA, temen-temen saya punya gadget yang oke, bisa nge-mall dan nonton film di bioskop sepulang sekolah, atau sibuk les bahasa Inggris. Saya waktu itu uang jajannya masih terbatas, dan keluarga saya bukan orang kaya, saya ga bisa mengikuti gaya hidup mereka, jadinya ya ga bisa nonton sering-sering karena ga punya uang, ga punya gadget kayak mereka juga, dan ga ikut les bahasa Inggris juga.
Sekarang, saya ga peduli apa saya punya gadget sebagus orang lain atau nggak haha. Saya bisa nonton film mana aja yang saya mau, sesering apapun. Bahasa Inggris saya juga ga jelek walau ga pernah ikut les kayak mereka hehe.

Saya nulis hal-hal di atas bukan untuk apa-apa sih.
Cuma kemarin sempet terbesit aja di pikiran (maklum, akhir tahun, udah musimnya introspeksi), betapa hidup saya sudah berubah.
Saya bukan dari keluarga yang kaya.
Saya tinggal dengan keluarga om saya dari tahun 2001, karena Papa saya meninggal dan saya memilih untuk tidak tinggal dengan Mama karena saya tidak mau merepotkan beliau.
Tidak seperti anak-anak lain yang tinggal dengan orang tuanya maka mungkin bisa meminta banyak hal ke orang tuanya.
Saya nggak.
Saya pernah juga meminta, tapi lama kelamaan saya berhenti meminta jika itu tidak berhubungan dengan hal sekolah.
Malah sekarang, saya udah lupa rasanya meminta ke orang lain.

Tapi saya bersyukur karena saya tidak dididik di keluarga dengan lingkungan yang memberi saya semua yang sama mau.
Dari dulu saya selalu dipaksa untuk memlih, lalu untuk menentukan prioritas.

Kalau saya punya uang jajan 10 ribu, saya mau makan siang atau disimpen untuk main di akhir pekan?

Sampai sekarang pun begitu.

Mau makan di tempat bergengsi atau buat beli buku?
Mau ganti handphone atau les bahasa?
Mau belanja baju atau dikasih ke Mama?

Sampai sekarang masih terbawa seperti itu.
Saya pernah dari gaji, saya cuma memegang uang 500ribu sebulan, karena saya waktu itu dalam kondisi menyicil motor dan laptop.
Tapi itu pilihan yang saya lebih suka daripada uangnya habis untuk hang out atau beli gadget yang lalu saya ganti lagi setahun kemudian.
Saya ga mau sepuluh tahun lagi saya berhitung dan merasa terlalu banyak yang saya habiskan untuk hal-hal yang tidak bisa dipunyai. Baik wujud ataupun sifatnya.
Saya mau ketika saya berhitung, saya tahu ke mana uang jerih payah saya pergi.
Karena saya ga mau bekerja dan menghasilkan uang untuk bersenang-senang.
Saya bekerja 8 jam sehari bukan agar diri saya di masa depan punya kenangan menghabiskan waktu makan di berbagai tempat atau pergi ke banyak mall.
I lost 8 hours a day and I'll damn make sure that it'll be worth it.

It's nearly New Year!
And like billion other people, I also LOVE making resolutions.
I also made the list of It Things of the year so I won't forget what boldly happened in that year.
But I won't talk about that list, for now.
I'm gonna talk about resolution. And making them.

I don't remember exactly when making it become my annual ritual.
Since I was still writing them in journal, notebooks, then blog. It's been 10 years or more probably.
I sometimes like to ask to my friends if they made resolutions too.
Many of them don't.
Some says, what's the point, I will forget it anyway.

Well yeah, I don't remember all my 20 resolutions every single day either. But that's not the point.

When you want something, sometimes you say it aloud, by telling your close people that you want to do it, or you want to buy it, etc. You don't tell them "I'll buy it next month." It's just an expression.
Even when you finally buy it, probably you've forgotten about people whom you told about it.
Making resolutions is like that.
It's like discussing with yourself about what you want, what you plan. And by writing it down, it's like saying it aloud.
You probably won't remember all of it, but every single your body cell witnessed it. They know what you want and they'll do something to make it happen. That's called semesta mendukung.

And personally for me, writing things like that is another way to be grateful of my life.
That if I had one more year to live, it's what I want to do, to be.
I won't live like a water, because I'm a human.
I'm not gonna let my life flows, I'm gonna steer it, direct it to the place where I plan to be.
And by looking back to the previous years' resolution, you could see how far you've walked.
And tell you what, it's a wonderful thing when you find a moment, "Oh I'm glad I didn't give up.".

Bulan Oktober kemarin saya memutuskan untuk belajar Bahasa Belanda.
Out of nowhere, out of the blue.
Keputusan diambil dalam waktu beberapa jam, setelah saya merasa butuh belajar bahasa asing lainnya.
Dan waktu saya sebut kalau saya belajar Bahasa Belanda ke orang lain, pasti pada tanya:
Buat apa belajar Bahasa Belanda?
Mau ke Belanda?
Punya pacar orang Belanda? (Duh!)
Kenapa ga bahasa Jerman?
Dll.

Well yes, kenapa Bahasa Belanda?
Sebenarnya, sejujurnya, saya merasa Bahasa Perancis lebih bermanfaat. Bahasa Perancis sudah termasuk jadi salah satu dari 6 bahasa Internasional. Belanda belum.
Tapi saya sudah belajar Bahasa Perancis waktu SMA dan dengan tingkat kesulitan seperti itu, sepertinya saya tidak punya waktu haha.
Pengucapan kata di Bahasa Belanda cenderung mudah, dan sepertinya overall tidak sesulit Perancis dan Jerman.
Dan saya suka sekali sejarah, Belanda punya kaitan yang sangat amat erat dengan sejarah Indonesia, maka itu menjadi motivasi besar yang lain: kalau saya lancar bahasa Belanda nanti, saya bisa lebih memahami istilah-istilah di buku sejarah, bisa baca buku sejarah yang berbahasa asli bahasa Belanda.
Menyenangkan sekali!

Dan juga, ada pertanyaan kenapa belajarnya harus di kedubes?
Ya ga harus sih, tapi saya pilih belajar di kedubes supaya saya bukan cuma belajar bahasa, tapi juga belajar budaya.
Lalu setelahnya saya malah bisa melihat hikmah yang lain.
Di tempat kursus lain saya tidak akan dapat fasilitas perpustakaan dengan banyak sekali buku Bahasa Belanda, mediatheek atau laboratorium bahasa yang bisa dipakai kapan saja, dan juga teman-teman les yang ruang lingkupnya jauh lebih luas dibanding jika saya ikut kursus di daerah Bogor saja.
Walau harus naik kereta dan transjakarta setiap Sabtu, tapi sangat sangat menyenangkan sekali.

Sebenernya saya agak sedih dan menyesal kenapa ga dari tahun-tahun kemarin mulai belajarnya.
Kenapa mesti kedistract sama keinginan beli ini dan itu.
Kenapa visionnya belum dibuka sampai sana.
Tapi ga ada waktu yang lebih baik dari waktu terjadinya suatu hal kan?
Dan saya sarankan, selagi masih muda, punya waktu, bisa menyisihkan biaya, cari ilmu sebanyak-banyaknya.
Apa yang kamu mau? Belajar bahasa, renang, jahit, lukis, nyetir, travelling, just do them all!
Do things that your future self will be thankful for :)

I actually don't know what to write.
I feel sad, hurt, disappointed, but happy at the same time.
You said you didn't want to disappoint me. Or anyone.
But you can't help it.
Maybe for you, it was just another hello, then another goodbye.
Maybe for you, it was easy to let me go.
Or to get me back.
Maybe it was me and my stupid thought telling me that everything is gonna be alright.
While actually, most of things are falling apart.

Selamat ulang tahun, Papa sayang...

Aku sayang Papa.
Selalu sayang Papa.
Dan akan selalu sayang sama Papa.

Sampai nanti kita ketemu lagi di sana, aku nggak akan pernah lupa sama Papa dan sayang aku ke Papa nggak akan berkurang sesedikitpun.

Terima kasih untuk 8 tahun pertama aku bersama Papa, yang juga 8 tahun terindah yang pernah aku alami.

Sayang selalu,
Chita

There are always some things I want to do before I grow up.
I think I'll post it here once in a while when I remember them.
Here's three of them:
1. Play hide and seek in a park.
2. Walking around a city (not alone) all night long, get a breakfast in dawn.
3. Go on car ride for days. Stop by beaches and stay for a night.

Gue itu ga begitu akur sama Eyang Putri.
Karena mungkin, sifat kita mirip. Mirip sampe-sampe ga bisa disatuin.
Dan walau gue udah kerja waktu itu, gue ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Waktu itu gue mikirnya sepele.
Lagian Eyang juga banyak yang beliin macem-macem. Nggak butuh gue beliin apa-apa.
Tapi ternyata gue salah. Salah banget.

Waktu itu gue dititipin sama Eyang, beliau pengen permen kopiko.
Dan gue beliin. Gue kasih ke beliau.
Sama Eyang mau diganti uangnya. Kata gue ga usah.
Berapa sih harga permen. No big deal.
Ternyata, beliau seneng banget gue beliin permen.
Beliau bilang ke beberapa orang, "Ini aku dibeliin permen sama Tata."
Waktu ngedenger gue juga biasa aja. Apa sih. Permen doang.

Tapi trus setelah beliau meninggal, dan gue nemuin permen kopiko itu masih ada, gue jadi sedih.
Sedih dan merasa bersalah.
Maaf ya Eyang, Tata ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Semenjak itu gue jadi seneng beliin Mbah, mamanya mama, macem-macem.
Gue jadi seneng beliin Mama apa yang Mama butuhin.
Gue ga mau penyesalan itu keulang lagi. Cukup udah waktu sama Eyang.

Dan gue itu jarang banget dipeluk atau dicium sama Eyang.
Tapi tepat 24 jam sebelum Eyang meninggal, pas gue salim abis pulang dari Bekasi, beliau tarik tangan gue, peluk, dan cium dua pipi gue.
Nggak nyangka kalo tepat 24 jam setelahnya, beliau akan pergi untuk selama-lamanya.
Tapi gue seneng, seneng banget, karena Eyang bikin gue yakin kalo beliau itu sayang sama gue.
Ga peduli kalo kita sering berantem, ga tegur-teguran, ga akur satu sama lain.

Eyang, maafin Tata ya.
Walau Tata ga pernah bilang ke Eyang, tapi yang penting Eyang sekarang tau, kalo Tata sayang banget, sayaaaaaaang banget sama Eyang.

Hampir seperempat abad. Hm.

Semoga Chita sehat selalu sehingga ga menyusahkan orang lain, atau menyiksa diri sendiri.
Semoga Chita bisa menemukan hal yang bisa membuatnya bahagia. Dan ketika hari itu datang, tetaplah berbahagia selalu ya Chita.
Semoga Chita tahun ini bisa ikhlas. Ikhlas atuh Chit, malu udah 23 tahun.
Ikhlas gimana?
Ikhlas nerima hidup, tapi ga membuat Chita pasrah dan ga berusaha berubah.
Ikhlas nerima Papa ga akan balik lagi.
Ikhlas kalau yang Chita mau belum bisa tercapai. Coba lagi yah.
Ikhlas kalau Chita dikasih lebih sehingga harus membimbing.
Ikhlas memberi. Terlebih lagi, ikhlas menerima.

Semoga Chita bisa tambah sabar. Sabar dan jadi anak yang baik. Manusia yang baik. Sabar.
Semoga Chita tambah sayang sama mama. Sama semua orang yang Chita harus sayang.
Semoga Chita bisa lebih dekat sama Allah. Sama satu-satunya tempat Chita untuk mengadu, berlindung. Jangan cuma curhat sama manusia aja. Kan udah ngerti kalo curhat sama manusia itu nggak dapet jawaban apa-apa.
Semoga Chita bisa memilih dengan baik. Hidup itu penuh dengan pilihan. Memilihlah. Dengan baik. Dengan bijak. Dengan menggunakan akal sehat. Dengan menggunakan hati yang besar.
Semoga Chita berkurang sombongnya. Inget Chit, di atas langit akan selalu masih ada langit. Banyak baca, banyak ketemu orang baru, banyak pergi-pergi dan observasi. Belajar dari sekitar ya. Belajar terus.
Semoga Chita bisa terus sama-sama dengan orang yang Chita sayang, yang Chita butuhkan kehadirannya untuk kebaikan Chita, dan untuk kebaikan mereka.
Semoga Chita jangan nangis terus. Banyak senyum. Banyak ketawa. Tapi jangan ikutan banyak nangis atuh yah. Gimana sih Chita ini.
Dan semoga Chita selalu inget sama mereka yang sayang sama Chita. Kamu itu nggak bener-bener sendirian kok. Chita sayang banget sama mereka, dan mungkin kamu ga tau bahwa, mungkin mereka juga. Bahwa akan selalu ada minimal seseorang yang sayang sama Chita. Jadi jangan ngerasa sendirian ya.

Disaat orang lain membahasakan dirinya dipanggil aunty oleh keponakan atau anak dari sebayanya, saya masih ingin dipanggil tante, atau bulik.

Disaat orang-orang meminta anaknya memanggilnya Bunda atau Mami, saya ingin dipanggil Ibu.

Saya juga masih ingin membahasakan anak-anak saya nanti, insya Allah, kapanpun itu, dengan panggilan Mas atau Mbak.

Sederhana dan simpel sebenernya, dan bukan masalah besar.
Cuma bagi saya kedengerannya beda aja. Beda rasanya.

When I was asked, what or who I want to be or do, I'm always confused.
I most likely will say, "I don't know."
But it's more because I have too much in mind about what or who I want to be or do.

I want to be a Vet.
Because I love animals.
I want to take care of them. I want to heal them.
I want to help the people who love them and make them feel better.

I want to be a Librarian.
Because I love books.
I love indexing, tidying and arranging the shelves to make it looks good.
I imagine it'd be such a delightful feeling to see people come to read.
Those people who found books that mean something to them.
Those people who love books, probably more than I do.
Even those who don't, but probably some of them will find the way to love it eventually.

I want to be an Astronout.
Because I love stars. I love space.
I want to study about it.
I want to know about what's going on out there that not many people know that happens.

I want to be a Historian.
Because I damn love history.
I want to remember what most people don't.
I want to be able to tell story about the past to my children, to my grandchildren, or simply to those who want to know.

I want to be a Psychologist.
I want to understand people. I want to notice those who are unnoticed.
I want to encourage people. I want to help people feel better.

There are many who or what I want to be.
I wish I had more than one life to live.

You might not know this that that song always reminds me of you.
Those two words remind me of you.
Because I believe, we will be forever and always.
Even we're together or not.
Because you're so important to me.
Even I never told you.
But you know.
You most likely know.
We are not simple.
Our lives are not simple.
The thing we have is never simple.
I slap myself everytime I ask for someone's opinion about how I should do with you.
Because if I don't know the answer, that means they won't either.
And it hurts me so much. And it makes me cry.
Literally cry.
Our choices aren't as simple as:
Stay or leave.
Yes or no.
Love or like.
Talk or shut up.
Lover or else.
We are both.
Do you hear that? We are both.
I have many things to tell you.
I have many things to do with you.
Leaving you, is one of them.
But would I? Could I?
A favourite movie of mine said this but I'm going to change it slightly a bit for you.
If someday I leave you, it's not because I don't love you.
It's because I do.
And it's not because I miss you.
Because I miss you already.
Maybe our story are going to end soon.
Our time is running out.
We are not as young as we were five years ago.
We don't have another five years to waste.
I want to move on with my life. And you should too.
Maybe in several years we'll see each other again in different place.
Maybe we won't be able to talk for hours until late like we did last time.
Maybe we'll be busy with our own lives.
Or maybe,
Maybe we won't meet again.
Just keep my words:
You are amazing. You are important. You are kind and wonderful.
I want you to have the best possible life because you deserve it.
I enjoyed every single hour I spent with you.
And I enjoyed the sweet torture you gave me.
You made me feel lots of things.
Complicated things that I've never felt about before.
No one could give me the feeling before. Because you are special.
And you will always be.
I didn't lie when I told you that you're my favourite.
You are.
Forever and always.

I can't promise you that I'll still love you when I wake up in 7 days.
I can't even promise you that I'll be here tomorrow morning.
I have no power on tomorrow and I won't give you any bull shit by lying about the future.
But if you don't know it yet, or just simply blinded with whatever thing in your eyes, I still love you as much as the first time I told you, 5 years ago. Or even more than I did.
And if it's not enough for you, I don't know what is.

I'm not perfect, so you don't have to be perfect.
I don't want you to be perfect.
We don't have to be perfect.
Even don't need to be perfect for each other.
Our life doesn't have to be perfect.
Our choices can't be perfect.
What we have won't be perfect.
We can't be perfect.

Perfection means nothing's left to be fixed.
Perfection means nothing's left to learn.
I want the flaws. I need the mistakes.
I want to learn. I need to grow.
We can caught in fight. Then we can forgive.
We can be sad and cry. Then we can be full of laughter.

Who said you need to perfect?
I don't need you perfect.

There was someone like you a long time ago.
He was the kindest, the sweetest, talked like none other boys, he was as faithful as you, I assume.
But he was the first of all, who broke the heart in the end.
Leave the book unfinished, for newest shiny thing.
He made me think that nearly every boy is like that.
That they would treat me like he did.
I used to think that you were different.
But you know it better than I do about what you did about 2 months ago.
And you expect me to forget those things?
Like, past is in the past?
Sure it does, but doesn't we learn best from bad experience we had?

Please think about how much damage you've done before you spit out and walk away from someone's life after make her thinking you were the (different) one.
So much disappointments.

I just thought of it and I found it interesting.
Well it's not a complicated thing about science of social activity. My mind is pretty simple so we think simple things only. Leave the complications for the rest of body.
There are many habits of mine in texting.
Like, I have friends whom I 80% text them in English. Not sure since when but we are doing it.
I enjoy texting in English, but the thing is if you aren't used to do it to someone, you couldn't get the point of comfort.
Like, if someone asked me, "Could we start texting in English since today? I want to improve my English."
I probably can't. I probably can but it doesn't have a comfort point.
And probably, probably, for some people my habit of writing, posting everything in English bother them.
Like I said before, it's the matter of comfort.
I'm used to post Twitter or Path status in English so it's natural.
I do write in Indonesian too, I'm born and raised with that language, but sometimes there are things better explained in English.
I just try to not mix English and Indonesian in one sentence. Still do it. But believe me, I strongly dislike myself when I do that.
With my closest friends, I'm used to talk in capitals.
It is hilarious and fun and I love it.
But of course I can't do it with other people without them looking at me weird.
Like I talk to Sam with many exclamation marks because she does that and I like it.
But if I talked with many exclamation marks as I did with Sam then I would be mistaken as rude or impolite, I'm sure hahaha.

See,
That's why we have many personalities.
Because everyone wants to be treated differently.
Because life force us to treat people differently, in some ways.

I met a friend today, after not seeing her for five years.
We were really close and good friends when we were 15.
But then stuffs got complicated and somehow we're no longer hanging out as much.
We even didn't talk to each other for a very long time.
Only, you know, one two things by Twitter, then Path, now recently Whatsapp.
So glad she spared her time to meet me and it was really good talking to her.
We ended up have a good chat for nearly 5 hours.
I told her, "5 hours chatting for 5 missing years."

People said high schools are the best part of their lives.
Unfortunately it doesn't apply to me.
And unluckily, for her too.
We had problems here and there with several people that made us didn't enjoy meeting our high school friends.
Maybe they have forgotten about that. Or maybe they haven't.
But clearly, we don't.
Yeah. Whatever.
We don't even care about them anymore.
We don't think that we need them that much to try to fix what was in the past, that wasn't even our faults.

We talked about movies, what we fear, our lives, dreams, and also some of our friends. Or ex-friends.
And those weird boys.
Those who hurted us. Those who loved us. Those who played fire with us.
Especially those who think we've forgotten about, we do remember about you.
We just, maybe, rather not to talk about you.

Both of us are Virgos.
Virgos are really my fave type of friends.
Because Virgos understand each other.
Virgos think nearly exactly the same.
We mostly end up saying "I know right!" or "Me too!" or even, "I've been there."
So we can stay mature together or get silly together.
We know our each other limits.

I'm just very excited to meet her, at last.
Also very glad that our meeting didn't turn into an awkward long-time-no-see reunion.
Thank you, you beautiful girl.
I am pretty sure it won't take another 5 years until the next meeting.

Why can't you go when you can't stay?
So many words, so much times
So many promises were broken
I can't let you stay
But I don't want to let you go
We know what we want
But we don't say what we want
It's not us against the world
But it's the world against us
I stopped crying a while ago
But I still wish you'll be staying
Have you ever wonder how we will end?
I have so many thoughts, none of them are pretty
I know you're not good at promising
But if you only can promise me one thing
Please let it be that you'll always be in my life
Wherever you'll stay, whoever you'll be with
I want to know you for the years I have left
Like I've known you for the last five years

People said you need to grow up, go to school, get good grades, have a nice job, build a relationship, get married, settle down, have a couple kids, never worry and live happily.
People said it like it was easy.
People said that you'll need to grow up like your mother, marry a man like your father, dressed as nice as your sister, be friendly like your brother, get a good job like your uncle, cook as good as your grandmother, stay at home like a cute girl, but having many friends like an out-goers.
But they understand that everyone has different lives.
People said that if you're good to people, they'll treat you as nice as well.
People said that you can't be disappointing.
But they didn't tell about people can be disappointing and upsetting.
People said that it's okay to be wrong, that you'll get another chance, that tomorrow will be a nice day, and repeatedly, that they'll always be there for you.
People said today needs to better than yesterday, and that tomorrow needs to be better than today.
But they also said that life is a full circle, you can be in the top for today then in the bottom the next day.
People said they'll respect on what you believe and what you choose. As long as it's not a batshit crazy choices you made.
Oh, and as long as they like the choices too.
When you're a kid, people said you could be anything you wanted to be.
But 10 years later, it was mistaken.
Because, they said, life is real. You need to be real and think realistically and be logical.
Didn't they remember when they told us that you can dream high and you can reach it if you wanted to.
Why adults always think that whatever they told to kids, the kids wouldn't remember it 10 years later?
That the kids didn't understand what they said, and that it's NORMAL to do those all?
If being adults mean being means and morons, then I don't want to grow up.

Except it's not furry.
[It was just a reference for a friend who said it a (quite) long time ago]

Rules:
Using only SONG NAMES from ONE artist/band, cleverly answer these questions.

Artist/Band: Arctic Monkeys
Describe yourself: The Bad Thing
How do you feel: Too Much To Ask
Describe your current situation: This House Is A Circus
Describe where you currently live: If You Were There, Beware
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Fake Tales of San Fransisco
Your favorite form of transportation: Riot Van
Describe your ex: Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High
Your best friend is: Dangerous Animals
Your favorite color is: Black Treacle
If your life was a television show what would it be called: She's Thunderstorms
What is life to you: Joining The Dots
What is the best advice you have to give: Leave Before The Lights Come On
If you could change your name, what would you change it to: Arabella

Friendship is the strongest magic.
That's HOL motto.
Like Missa said a while ago about me, for me HOL isn't about just Harry Potter stuffs, quidditch, houses, classes, but it's all about friendship.
The site is based on fiction, we've never met people who are in there.
But it's real. The feelings are real.
When someone who I thought was my friend talked ugly behind my back, I was really hurt.
When group of friends I hold very dearly torn apart, my heart really broke too.
It was real.

HOL is pretty much dead now.
Best people are leaving, and I'm sad.
No, I'm not sad because people are leaving.
I'm sad because there is not much in HOL that could be reasons to stay.

I'm only in my third year now. Still a baby.
I had a very good start as a newbie, got good friends, who some turned out to be not good at all.
But it was actually the way to the better life.
Being beaten up, left alone, talked behind, I was found by the better, much better group of friends.
They healed my wounds, teach me to stand up when people expect us to get down, show me how real friends should be.
My second year, it was, really one of the best times of my life.
But sadly, it only lasted for a year.

People leave and life goes on.
I understand that.
I also know that I won't be able to hold them back.
It's just upsetting.
The friendship was pure gold.
I hope it will last long.
I really want to keep them forever as my friends.
And I'm just scared that once they leave, it will never be the same again.
because so far, it isn't.

This is why I'm scared of future.
This is why I hold my past so very very dear.
Because it's easier to stay with good memories than to get up making the new ones.

(This post has no offense to those who were born on April, every month has meaning for every different people).


April has different kind of meaning for me.
My lovely dad passed away on April.
So what do you think I'm supposed to do?
I feel bitter every time this month come.
I count every day to his death day and flashback to when it was on April 2000.
Because on April 1st 2000, I still had a father.
He was healthy, all was safe and sound.
I can't help to replay all the bad memories back on my head.
Each day on April kill a little part of me.
It's just, I wish it would stop at some point.
But in the same time, I also wish it wouldn't.
April will always be my Achilles heels.
On April I'm an 8 years old girl.
On April I remember how my Dad died.
On April I wish he didn't die.
On April I miss my Dad.
More, more, much more than any other time.

But please.
Don't tell me not to.

For me, it's privacy.
I would say family in the first place, but I'd lost my Dad when I was 8. Death isn't a thing you can control nor you can wish for so it doesn't happen too fast or whatnot.
But privacy, it's something you can have a control of.
You can choose what you want to share or show to people.
You can choose what your job is, whether it would expose your privacy or not.
And I think I can't live without it.
I can't imagine many people know my face, or want to know what I'm doing, where I am, and what I'm up to.
I can't imagine to be not able to go to public places without being recognize.
I can't imagine to not enjoy my time alone, just my self and my silly brain having fun.
When I was younger, I thought celebrities' fee were ridiculously high.
But now I understand, because it's not just their talent that people pay for, but also their lives.
People will know their faces, their spouses, their kids, where they live, what they wear, who their friends are, what they have for dinner, even.
Those thoughts freak me out.
I don't like being recognized in some streets by people I don't know.
Some people would find it lovely to know that they're famous. But me? Big NO.
I'd like to be just me.
I'd like to be able to walk into public places with my ordinary clothes, try to be invisible and blended in.
I'd like to be able to sit down alone without people recognize me and ask me to sit with them.
Maybe sometimes, I'd love to.
But the other times, I just love the idea of walking around alone.
I like staying in my room alone, listening to music, watching movies, reading books, writing, or cleaning.
I like sitting in a corner of a cafe with a book or my laptop and ignore people around me.
It's like there's no one else in the world except me.
I know some say I'm like an open book.
You may be right.
But you could be wrong.
The book you see or read is only the book I choose to expose to you.
Whatever personality you think I have, is the ones I choose to act towards you.
A person's personality is not as simple as that.
Especially those who loves their privacy.

Everybody has a personality.
Some of them are blessed with two.
I'm a young woman; I'm secretive, moody, over expecting, underestimate, overestimate, impatient, talk a lot, sensitive, and naive.
But I grow the other part of me, the manly-er side of me.
It makes me logical, cold, solitaire, playful, ignorant, silly, trustful, and open-minded.
In one side, I love black and white.
I think there's only two things in this world, it's either black or white.
Grey is nonsense. Grey is fake. Grey is confusing. Grey can't be trusted. Grey is unreliable.
But the other side of me says that everything in this world is grey.
There's no good and bad. There's no you and me. There's no love and hate. There's no yes or no.
Everything is inbetween. Everything is uncertainty. Everything is relative.
I love good result. Who doesn't?
And my ego doesn't care about the process as long as it has good result.
But my other side says process is more important than the result.
No matter how good the result is, if you don't earn it right, you don't have it.
In one side, I'm a person who has big ego, who can't live without privacy, who enjoy travels alone, who doesn't give a damn about what other people think, who never trust anyone, who builds tall blue wall around me and let no one come in.
But in the fact is I'm a fragile, broken, care, sensitive, lonely person who trust people from the very first second we meet, until they screw up, someday later, and I would be down in a cold Arctic hole.
There are always, always two sides of me.
I don't know if later I would just have one.
If one day I could pick the best one and be the best of me. Well I hope I could.
Some people probably think I have extreme mood swing.
I beg to differ.
I call this a disorder personality.
Your attitude reflects how I act towards you.

My mum is a person with AB blood type.
(If you don't know anything about blood type personality, I suggest you google it. It's fun!)
And for those who have read about blood type personality, you know what AB people are like.
They're easy-going, free-minded, quirky, and fun.
My mum is only 20 years older than me.
So having a woman who is 20 years older and with AB blood type as a mother, is unlike the other lol.
It's not a bad thing. It's a FUN thing, really.
I'm happy and grateful having her.
It's just, my blood type is A and I'm a Virgo. Double dead-serious.
So mostly I'm taking over being the most mature, logical, and annoying over-protective person in family.
I remember when I was a kid, probably (almost) nine.
I went to a shop with my little sister and a kid rudely called us "Orphans" because I just lost a father.
My sister cried, I think. And I told my mum when I was home.
She told me that I should stand up for ourselves and told that rude kid to piss off.
She said that I'm the eldest and I should be the protector of the family even though I'm a girl.
My father always taught me to be a strong, independent, and forbade me to cry when I was little, so being that "protector of the family" is not a big deal.
It's just, I didn't realize it before. No 9 years old realized that, I think.
And until now, my mum always asks me if she wants to ask my siblings something.
Like, can you tell Rinda or Aji to be like this or that, could they do this or that. And stuffs like that.
And most of the time they don't know that it was our mum who asked me to tell them that.
They only know that I asked them to do that.
Besides, my mum told them to obey me, because if she wasn't there, I was in charge as her substitute.
Not all of what I was asking was a pleasant thing to do.
I'm pretty sure they dislike me at some point.
So I become the bad one, sometimes. Or most of times.
Because I like to order them to do things. Whilst our mum does not.
I don't mind. I don't mind being the bad one, because in fact, I'm not.
I think I just inherit my dad's thing to be feared even when we do nothing.
I don't mind.
Someday they'll know.
Or even they won't, it doesn't matter.
As long as they live to the fullest, blessed, and of course, happily.

It's her father.
The first arms to hold her.
The first lips to kiss her.
The first hand to touch her.
The first feet to run with them.
I believe every father is special for every daughter in their own way.
He's so special that probably half of girls hope to find a man like their fathers to be a father for their children.
My father, was very special.
He's a brave, strong, tough, lovely, caring, kind, warm man.
He built me swings to play with.
He taught me to ride a bicycle.
He ran after a dog which chased after me and made me cry.
He celebrate every single birthday I've had in my first 8 years.
My father was my everything.
I think it's highly unlikely for me to love another man bigger than how I love my father.

Unluckily, God loves him much much much more than I do.
My father left me when I was 8, precisely in 25 April 2000.
Do you know how it felt to be left by a father while he was the center of your world?
It's painful.
I was 8, but I still can feel the pain until now.
It's like, holding to a single strong rope and know that it won't break but then you loses grip suddenly.

I was broken hearted.
The most hurtful I've ever been in my life.
Probably that's why I don't cry much when I was sad now.
Nothing as hurtful, or nothing nearly as hurtful as losing your father when you were in love with him.

At that time, I was mad at God.
I was mad because I was sure I loved and took a great care of my dad.
More than any kid.
And there were children who don't treat or love their fathers as much as I love my dad.
So why God took my dad instead?
I remember I skipped several weeks at school.
I remember I still waited for him to pick me up after school.
I remember I woke up crying because I just miss my dad and I want him to come back.

But he won't.
He won't come back.
And I must accept it.
Sometimes I wish he was still alive somewhere.
Sometimes I wish a man would appear in front of me and he was my father.
But it won't happen. I know it won't.

For the last (nearly) 14 years, I believe I only had dream about him for 2 or 3 times.
Sometimes I feel sad because I want to see his face, hug, talk, or touch him even it's only in a dream.
But people say that when we don't dream about the dead people, it means that they happy in there.
I hope it's true.
I hope he's happy in where he is now.
I hope it means I'm being a good enough girl that he's not worry about me.

But that doesn't mean I will stop remembering him.
I won't.
I will always spend a little time like this to write about him.
I will always have my tears run down because of talking about him.
I will always stay awake sometimes because I miss him too much I can't go to sleep.
I will always remember his birthday, and his deathday. Now that sounds scary.
I will not be able to move on from the 8-years old me who just lost his dad at 5 am in the morning.
That will always be a part of me.

I want to start posting songs I like and it starts with this newest song I like. 
I first knew Katy B when Arctic Monkeys covered one of her song. 
But I didn't listen to her much back then. 
Until early this year I downloaded her single of her new upcoming album (at that time when the album hasn't released yet) and I got hooked up. 
Her genre is electronic, dancey type which not in top of my favourite genre. 
But this song is very good and I love the lyrics. 
It makes me sad when I listened to it and it means good lol. 
(And for some reason YouTube didn't let me to link the video to here. But you can watch the music video by clicking here)

I know that some people realized that I'm not a fan at all of smokers.
When I was in high school and some of my friends smoked, they told me they smoked because their mouths feel sour and cigarettes made it better. So I brought along candies and told them, if they wanted to they could ask me for candies and they didn't need to smoke.
They kept smoking, of course. But they also asked for candies sometimes which made me happy.
Then I started college, when in my group of friends of 7 people, only me and the other girl who didn't smoke. We're all women, and most of us were smoking.
But they brought candies by themselves so I didn't.
After I left college and started working, I started bringing along candies again so my coworkers don't always need to smoke.
Most of times when they asked for candies to me, I know it was only to make me feel better lol. But I really appreciated it.
And I'm not anti-smokers.
Smokers are human. Are people.
What do you expect of them? Not much.
My father was a smoker as well and I never loved another male human being as much as I loved him.
My grandfather started smoking when he was in early teenager, and he died (mostly) because of it. Only one of his lungs worked until he passed away on 2005.
And I don't hate my college friends, nor my smoker coworkers.
But I strongly dislike cigarettes.
The smoke, the ashes, the illness that come after.
I had asthma until I was 11.
My grandmother had it too for the rest of her life.
It was (mostly) because we inhaled too much cigarettes' smoke.
I also remember playing with its smoke with my father when I was little.

I just can't help but wondering, why such smartasses people, with modern technology they have in hands, with so much education they have in heads, decide to smoke, burn their lungs just for a fun sake?
And also in my opinion, this is just my opinion, smokers who smoke around their loved ones are totally selfish retarded bastards, because they slowly kill people they so-called love.
So here, I don't care if you smoke. I don't care whose money do you burn.
But I do care about the innocent ones who is living around you, who doesn't smoke, but they get sick, or they will get sick, because of you being selfish by smoking around them.

Okay.
Get it right now.
I don't hate smokers.
I just hate their choice to smoke.
Period.

"When I say it doesn't hurt me, that means I can bear it.
Nevertheless, I still feel the pain."
-Killua

I don't know what I'm going to write.
I just felt that I needed it.

Here's the thing.
If you don't mean it, or not sure about a thing, don't do it, okay?
Because I won't.
You don't know me, but I tell you now.
I won't do a thing unless I'm sure about it.
I'm not gonna give or show you a fake part of me.
Unless your attitudes made me to.

One more.
Fuck you for today.
Now. Leave.

My dreams are only lasted for a night because I turn them into plans in the morning.
- Chita, 2014

People say you don't know what you've got til it's gone, but the truth is you just never thought you'd ever lost it.

- Unknown

If you let someone choose for you, make sure that they will be there if you failed.
Which is they won't.
Which is you shouldn't.

Chita, 2014

On September 18, 2013, yes on my birthday, a young man invited me to sit down with him in a round table and have lunch together.
He shook my hand, which he rarely did - he didn't even touch me lots, greeting a happy birthday.
While we ate, we talked.
We usually talk, but never as deep as that day.
We both talked about our fathers, who already passed away many years ago.
I don't usually talked about my dad. Because it makes me teared up and I don't like crying.
But we did.
And then he wished me a beautiful thing.
"I wish you'd die young."
To die young is my wish.
Because I don't want to live long.
It looks exhausting to stay in one body for that long with that old soul.
But I've never met one who have that same thought with me.
And it just always stay in certain place in the back of my mind since then.
This morning I woke up with his kind words again and I feel like need tk write this down here.
I want to remember that for once, I met a man who dreamt the same dream as me, even it's only about death.

"And now it's time for one last bow.
Like your other selves.
Eleven's hour is over now.
The clock is striking twelve."

Eleven put down his bowtie and fez on Christmas night 2013.
After serving us all adventures in time and space for 3 years, Matt Smith decided to retire from being the Eleventh Doctor.
It was such big shoes to fill after Tennant.
I felt like he wasn't quite the Doctor until season 6.
It took kinda long for me to enjoy his performance. But I get there, eventually.

Somehow, Doctor Who always makes me feel like I was the companion.
I felt like I was Rose when it was Ten.
And then I felt like I was Amy when it was Eleven.
That's why I love Ten and Eleven felt like a childhood bestfriend for me.

It was hard to let go of Ten.
It's always hard to let go of your love.
But can you imagine let go of a childhood bestfriend?

Eleven,
Thank you for being a bestfriend for me, for all Whovian who feels so.
Thank you for making everything awkward looks cool. And makes cool is not cool.
Thank you for the drunk giraffe dance. Now I know how to awkwardly dance and doesn't feel ashamed to it.
Thank you for the bow ties, fez, stetson, fish fingers and custard.
Thank you for the laugh you gave after we cried in The Eleventh Hour.
Thank you for everything.

Matt Smith,
Good luck. And good night, our raggedy man.

2013 was a great year for me.
I loved being 21.
I loved meeting new people in 2013.
I loved learning, even it means that I was also hurted.
I cried, probably, a lot.
But I laughed more than I cried, so it was good.
I made friends. They are nice.
I lost someone very dear to me. But I guess it was for the best.
My relationship with my mum was getting much better.
I figured out many things.
The wishes I made when I was 19 came true.
And now I have the new ones. The bigger ones.
I feel that I grew better.
I feel like that I have became of what I wanted to when I was younger.
Now, like I said, is time to dream bigger, plan better, work harder, and pray often.
And I hope 2014 is the right time for it.

Let's do this!

1. Mum
2. Lebaran 2013
3. Balikpapan Expo 2013
4. All Time Low concert 230813
5. FCVR 240813
6. SQL (Muffins Marauders)
7. Ravenclaw 010713
8. Ravenclaw Quidditch Team
9. Neverland <3
10. Cumberbitches <3
11. Harry Potter English version books
12. Sherlock Holmes English version & collector's classic edition book
13. The death of Eleven Doctor
14. Doctor Who 50th Anniversary
15. Star Trek: Into The Darkness
16. Benedict Cumberbatch
17. Tom Hiddleston
18. Alex Turner
19. Arctic Monkeys' AM
20. Lorde's Pure Heroine
21. The Harvest's cakes
22. Sherlock
23. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
24. The 1975
25. Passenger's All The Little Light
26. All Time Low's Don't Panic It's Longer Now
27. Mika
28. Gabrielle Aplin's English Rain
29. Fall Out Boy's Save Rock & Roll
30. Jake Bugg's Shangri La
31. Panic! At The Disco's Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die
32. Stuck in Love
33. Percy Jackson: The Sea of Monster
34. Top Gear
35. Hanif
36. Aufa 121113
37. Being a logistic, HR, and Mr. Brad's assistant
38. Kaka the cat
39. Botanical Garden
40. Path
41. Evernote
42. Duolingo
43. Last.Fm