I'm brave.
No I'm not.
I'm scared a lot.

I'm scared of being happy.
Then the sadness wil follow me afterward.

I'm scared of having good friends.
I dont want them to leave me like the other did.

I'm scared of being weak.
Because I know no one will really protect me.

I'm scared of being strong.
Then people think it's okay to hurt me.

I'm scared of saying goodbye.
Because goodbye sometimes lasts forever.

I'm scared of loving people.
Actually, I'm scared if they dont love me back.

I'm scared of my future.
Because I dont know what I'm gonna be.

I'm scared of death.
Because I know people will slowly forget me after I'm dead.

I'm scared of meeting my mom.
Because I know I never been good enough for her.

I'm scared of being bored when I'm alone.
It shows me that I'm no longer a good friend even for my self.


If only some people could promise me they will stay forever...

Friends are like cookies – the really good ones are very rare.

A dear person of mine told me that. And I cant agree more to him.

But rare, doesnt mean impossible.
And as I've found some really good cookies, I've met some really good friends too.

People said you need to go through the rain before you could see a rainbow.
Sometimes my reaction is, I dont wanna see the rainbow. I dont wanna go through the rain.

But life cant be static and world is turning around.
Storm could come anytime and sometimes I need to leave my comfort zone and fight.
After that you could see what'd you get.
Neither a very beautiful rainbow or a perfect sunshine.
And sometimes the rainbow is fake. And the sun just shines for a short time.
But sometimes, the rainbow has pretty true colours and the sun shines for a long time.

Even rainbows are pretty and sun is warm, that doesnt mean I want to go through rain to get it.
I'm no longer stuck in my comfort zone, but I'm still scared of getting wet.
I'll just hope the rainbows I have now and my sun will shine forever.
Or at least, until I'm ready to face the storm bravely.

Dear shadow, shadow on the wall
You're so dark and tall
You tripped me then I fall
But I have no regret at all

Lots of things have changed.
When I go back to my old journal on 2009. Or simply, just take a look at some old pictures, I can remember things that happened.
I've been being chubby, skinny, and very skinny (because I was sick for one month).
I've had a long hair, shoulder length-hair, and a short hair (but not pixie one).
I've met lots of new people, and experienced new things.
I've been in loved, head over heels, went down, broke my and people's hearts, and lost faith on everything.
I've been disliked, hated, betrayed, unloved, rejected, welcomed, liked, accepted, and loved.
My life was colourful, and it always is.
And do I regret some? Nope.
Because those all make me like who I am today :)

I never took easy on a friendship.Even it's kind of friendship between me and a stranger I met in a train.
Or a friendship of me and my childhood friend I've known for years.

It's not easy for me to consider someone as my friend.
For me, there are best friends, good friends, hey-we-used-to-be-bestfriend friend, friends, we-talked-a-bit friends, and I-know-your-name friends.
And I dont classify which one in where. Time does.

I'm not a perfect friend. Nor looking for a perfect friendship.
I'm not the type who will expect you to be awake at freaking 2 am because I cry and I need you to listen to me.
I also wont screw up your plan just because I need to go shopping and I dont want to be alone.
If I consider you as my good/best friend, then I just ask for your trust and you to be trusted.

When I say I love you, it means I really do.
So does when I say "you can trust me" and "I trust you".
That doesnt mean, "You can trust me now but if you hurt me once I will put your crime in the newspaper"
And so I hope when you have my trust you wont be "Omg sorry I think I can tell that story to other people".
If you do then hhahahahshahsdjskf tyvm. Your job is done in my life.

It's not that I cant forgive people.
Well, I doubt myself on forgiving. But I dont do revenge. Or do something with intentions of making they mad.
Making myself happy is more important than making people mad.
But sometimes, what makes me happy is making people mad.

It's a lie if I said it doesnt hurt  for 'removing' people from my life.
It does. It reaaaally really does.
And even it's been yeaaars, when I look back to that time, it still hurts.
So if some times later they come to my face expecting I've forgotten everything, I dont.
And never wont. Unless my head gets injured.

So, for those people who think I'm a selfish person. Maybe I am.
I can say that there's no one who will protect me so it's just I'm being overprotective with myself.
I've been hurt a lot by those people I cant remove from my life because of blood relations called family.
So when someone else with no blood relations hurt me deeply, I wont be thinking twice to remove them.
My life has already enough pain and if you want to leave me any scar, you better gtfo and find yourself the better friend.

Sincerelly,

Me.

Opening credits: Represent by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Waking up: Fifteen by Taylor Swift
Falling in love: Do You Know Me by John Mayer
Fight song: Blame It on the Girls by Mika
Breaking up: Peacock by Katy Perry
Getting back together: Therapy by All Time Low
Wedding: Summer Sunshine by The Corrs
Birth of child: River Deep. Mountain High by Ike & Tina Turner
Final battle: Be the One by The Ting Tings
Death scene: Misery Business by Paramore
Funeral song: Forget My Name by One Night Only
End credits: Fake Tales of San Fransisco by Arctic Monkeys. LOL

I'm 21 and I know what I'm doing with my life. 
I really do.

Rule #1: If you open this you take it.
Rule #2: You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks.
Rule #3: Tag 25 random people




Answer: True or False

Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? * False
Q: Been arrested? * False
Q: Do you like someone? * True
Q: Held a snake? * True
Q: Been suspended from school? How do you get suspended from homeschool? * False
Q: Sang karaoke? * True
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? * True :|
Q: Laughed until you started crying? * True. Do that at least few times in a month.
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? * False.
Q: Kissed in the rain? * False
Q: Sang in the shower? * False xD
Q: Sat on a roof top? * False
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? * True <_<
Q: Broken a bone? * True
Q: Shaved your head? * False LOL
Q: Played a prank on someone? * True
Q: Shot a gun? * False <_<
Q: Donated Blood? * False. Even I really want to!

Last Person
1. You hung out with? * Naufal, Fira, Icha.
2. You texted? * My sister
3. You were in a car with? * Naufal.
4. Went to the movies with? * Sarah
5. Person you went to shop with? * Sarah, I think.
6. You talked on the phone? * A supplier <_<
7. Made you laugh? * I kinda forget. But I think it's Bakay.
8. You hugged? I cant remember xD

Answer Truthfully

1. Sun or moon? * Moon
2. Winter or Fall? * Fall
3. Left or Right? * Left
4. Sunny or rainy? * Sunny
5. Where do you live? * Indonesia
6. Club or pub? * Neither. I dun like crow
7. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? * I hope.
8. Do you want to get married? * Sure lol.
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Who * I do both <_< Yeah I'm that weird xD
10. What time is it? * 6:33 pm

11. Are you afraid of commitment? * Maybe?
12. What is your greatest hope/wish? * My dad was never actually dead.
13. Do you cook? * Define cook.
14. Current mood? * Bothered..
15. Color of underwear? * LOOL. Pink.

In the Last 48 Hours, Have you...
1. Sang? * -nods-
2. Listened to music? * I'm listening to it now
3. Danced Crazy? * LOL no.
4. Cried? * Yeah. Life sucks.
5. Liked someone you can't have? * UHHHHHHHHHHHH.

25 Firsts
1. Who was your first prom date? * Never went to prom
2. Who was your first roommate? * Sarah xD
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? * Never been drunk :)
4. What was your first job? * What I do now
5. What was your first car? * Never had one, but I have a motorbike ^^
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? * My dad's (April 2000).
7. Who was your first grade teacher? * Miss Vera
8. Who was your first babysitter? * Uhh who was she? I cant remember her name xD
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? * Yogya
10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time? * I dont do that. LOL
11. Who was your first best friend? * Her name was Vivi :)
12. Who was your first Best Friend in high school? * Meidine. Nisa.
13. Where was your first sleepover? * In Meidine's :)
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? * I dont do call when I have bad day. But I always let F knows if I have one
 15. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or groomsman? I never was.
 16. What was the first thing you did when you got up this morning? * Grab my glasses. Look at the laptop (slash, IRC)
17. What was the first concert you went to? * The Click Five
18. What was the last concert you went to? * Um. I dont remember. RAN's maybe.
19. First tattoo or piercing? * When I was a baaaaby. In both of my ears.
20. First celebrity crush? * I cant remember lol
21. Current celebrity crush? * Tanner Patrick, Cameron Mitchell, Johnny Depp.
22. First crush? * A boy with Maradona tshirt who randomly I met when I was 6 or 7-ish
23. Current crush? * You know who.
24. First time you tied your shoe laces? * OH LOL I remember this. When I was in second grade. My dad promised me he'll buy me a wonderful shoes if I learn how to tied the shoe laces xD

Seven names you go by:
1. Chita
2. Kai
3. Tata
4. Orchita
5. Sissy
6. C
7. Bakai

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. A tshirt
2. Short pants
3. Red headband

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. My dad
2. Everlasting happiness
3. New life


Two things you did last night:
1. Chat in IRC
2. Went sleep

Two things you ate last night:
1. Durian
2. I think just it xD

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. My supplier
2. My co-worker

Three things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Have a life
2. Try to make my feeling to get better
3. Watch a movie in DVD


Two longest car rides:
1. To Jogja
2. To Anyer

Favorite beverages:
1. Avocado juice
2. Green tea
3. Cimory yoghurt

Three people who will probably fill this out:
1. I
2. Dont
3. Know

I just realized that a certain person only talk to me and say sweet things when s/he needs me.
Because s/he thinks like what some people thought in my school years back then: "You can ask Chita to do anything she wont say 'no'."

That's true.
Ironic.

I dont always say yes.
But mostly I do.
Not only because I want to make people happy or like me.
Being liked or disliked is not my life goal.
But I'm not a person who look something from one side.
So when someone asked me something, from side #1 I see that I cant do that or I dont wanna do that. But from side #2, I asked my self: Why not? There's always a way to do it anyway.
And it's true.
So I end up with saying yes <_<

But lately I'm not really in a good mood.
And I realized this person is using me for his/her own good.
Then I feel like a shit. So annoyed. So bugged. So disturbed.

But then I wonder.
Have I done this to other people?
Using them to get what I want?

(and my mind stops thinking)

It seems unfair if I have bunch of posts about my dad... how I miss and love him so much, but I dont have many posts about my mom.

I admit it that I'm not very close with my mom.
I love her, of course I do. She's the only parent I have.
It's just some things make distance between us.
I didnt like what she did and chose. Neither did she.
But as mother and daughter, we're pretty good. I think.

She's crazy. In a good way.
I laugh a lot when I'm with her. She acts like my older sister instead of my mother.
She is a good cook.
I learnt how to make cookies and cakes from her. She made my sister -who lives with her- is a good cook too.

I just love her.

And today, June 10, is her birthday. She turns 42 today.
42 is a scary age for me. Because my dad was dead in 43.
Despite of how I dont like my mom's choices, I love her so much.
I dont want to lose her. Or anyone else.

So what I wish for her birthday is quite a lot.
I hope she lives long - longer than my dad. Until old enough to see me grow up and have a good life.
I hope she is always, always healthy. Seeing my mom's sick is one of the things I dont want to see in my life.
I hope she's always happy. Like she was before. Like she is. I love her smile.
I hope she's always strong. I know she already is.
I hope everything goes easy for her.

If I could pay for my mom's everlasting happiness, I would work my ass out for get those money.

I just love you mom.
I know you doubt me, but I dont mind proving you wrong :)


Love,
Your Daughter

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