Dear Chita,

27 is you are.

Always remember the days when you were five.
When life was easier, all you had to do was asking someone bigger than you to reach the higher shelves, to clean up things after you.
But now that you are that bigger person, please don't forget to keep curious, stay happy, be a little wonder, keep reading fairytales, and don't let that little child sparks inside you died.
There are days that seem harder, paths that seem longer, time that tick slower, and even things that seem impossible.
That is okay, as long as you keep going.
No matter how slow, no matter how hard it is.
Keep going and don't take a step back.

Always remember that there were days when you wished for things you have today.
Please be grateful and never take things for granted.
Take care of other people as you learn lately that respect is not earned but given.
Everyone is entitled of receiving respect, until they prove themselves they're not.
Be nice to everyone but careful to pick your inner circle.
Don't hesitate to cut off toxic people out of your life.
Those people that won't make you happy don't deserve permanent seats.
Show them the exit door as they come through the entrance to make sure they don't get lost too long in your life.

Always remember that your best is never enough.
Keep challenging yourself. Learn a lot.
As the world is evolving rapidly, so you should be.
Everyone has stories. Listen to them.
Make mistakes. But don't repeat them.
Have faith. Always.
Because God has always been faithful to you after all these times.
It's never too late to come closer to Him.
Afterall, He is the only one you have.

Thank you for surviving, living, and learning the past one year.
Let's keep doing that. And also, start giving.

Love,
Yourself

Another year has gone by.
When I was 19, I wished I could stop growing old and be 19 forever instead.
Obviously, that one wish didn't come true.

Twenty five.

Being a pessimist person I was (and still am), I never thought I could reach 25.
But here I am.

Twenty five.

Live in a strange city quite far from home.
Get a never-boring job.
With those lovely workaholic colleagues.
And have a very nice life over all.

What I have today is more that I could ever ask.
Even though I never planned this.

God,
Thank you.

Selamat pagi, Tuhan...
Terima kasih atas permulaan dari 24 tahunnya saya hidup di dunia.
Terima kasih untuk setiap milidetiknya.
Terima kasih untuk setiap pengalamannya.
Terima kasih ketika saya berada di atas, terlebih ketika saya berada di bawah.
Terima kasih untuk berbagai rasa yg telah saya rasakan.
Terima kasih untuk setiap urat senyum maupun setiap tetes air mata.
Terima kasih untuk setiap wajah yg saya lihat, setiap tangan yg saya sentuh, dan setiap suara yg saya dengar.
Terima kasih untuk setiap ilmu dan ingatan yg saya dapatkan.
Terima kasih untung keluarga dan temen-temen saya.
Terima kasih, untuk hidup.

Hampir seperempat abad. Hm.

Semoga Chita sehat selalu sehingga ga menyusahkan orang lain, atau menyiksa diri sendiri.
Semoga Chita bisa menemukan hal yang bisa membuatnya bahagia. Dan ketika hari itu datang, tetaplah berbahagia selalu ya Chita.
Semoga Chita tahun ini bisa ikhlas. Ikhlas atuh Chit, malu udah 23 tahun.
Ikhlas gimana?
Ikhlas nerima hidup, tapi ga membuat Chita pasrah dan ga berusaha berubah.
Ikhlas nerima Papa ga akan balik lagi.
Ikhlas kalau yang Chita mau belum bisa tercapai. Coba lagi yah.
Ikhlas kalau Chita dikasih lebih sehingga harus membimbing.
Ikhlas memberi. Terlebih lagi, ikhlas menerima.

Semoga Chita bisa tambah sabar. Sabar dan jadi anak yang baik. Manusia yang baik. Sabar.
Semoga Chita tambah sayang sama mama. Sama semua orang yang Chita harus sayang.
Semoga Chita bisa lebih dekat sama Allah. Sama satu-satunya tempat Chita untuk mengadu, berlindung. Jangan cuma curhat sama manusia aja. Kan udah ngerti kalo curhat sama manusia itu nggak dapet jawaban apa-apa.
Semoga Chita bisa memilih dengan baik. Hidup itu penuh dengan pilihan. Memilihlah. Dengan baik. Dengan bijak. Dengan menggunakan akal sehat. Dengan menggunakan hati yang besar.
Semoga Chita berkurang sombongnya. Inget Chit, di atas langit akan selalu masih ada langit. Banyak baca, banyak ketemu orang baru, banyak pergi-pergi dan observasi. Belajar dari sekitar ya. Belajar terus.
Semoga Chita bisa terus sama-sama dengan orang yang Chita sayang, yang Chita butuhkan kehadirannya untuk kebaikan Chita, dan untuk kebaikan mereka.
Semoga Chita jangan nangis terus. Banyak senyum. Banyak ketawa. Tapi jangan ikutan banyak nangis atuh yah. Gimana sih Chita ini.
Dan semoga Chita selalu inget sama mereka yang sayang sama Chita. Kamu itu nggak bener-bener sendirian kok. Chita sayang banget sama mereka, dan mungkin kamu ga tau bahwa, mungkin mereka juga. Bahwa akan selalu ada minimal seseorang yang sayang sama Chita. Jadi jangan ngerasa sendirian ya.

On September 18, 2013, yes on my birthday, a young man invited me to sit down with him in a round table and have lunch together.
He shook my hand, which he rarely did - he didn't even touch me lots, greeting a happy birthday.
While we ate, we talked.
We usually talk, but never as deep as that day.
We both talked about our fathers, who already passed away many years ago.
I don't usually talked about my dad. Because it makes me teared up and I don't like crying.
But we did.
And then he wished me a beautiful thing.
"I wish you'd die young."
To die young is my wish.
Because I don't want to live long.
It looks exhausting to stay in one body for that long with that old soul.
But I've never met one who have that same thought with me.
And it just always stay in certain place in the back of my mind since then.
This morning I woke up with his kind words again and I feel like need tk write this down here.
I want to remember that for once, I met a man who dreamt the same dream as me, even it's only about death.

I know I'm one day behind this.
Yesterday was my 22nd's birthday.
I never enjoyed birthdays.
Probably I did when I was kid and Dad used to throw me parties.
But as I remember, I don't like birthdays (and parties), because too much attention for one day!
Even so, I think it's really rude if you ignore the birthday wishes you got or even gave them frowned face when they said happy birthday.
I suppose you must look happy in your birthdays, no matter what! 

My mum was being super awesome by sending me a birthday message at 1 am.
Even I was born at 1 pm, so it's technically still 12 hours away lol.
But that's a highlight there.
The people I love all remembered my birthdays so I was really happy talking to them about birthday greetings.

I received belated birthday wishes today from my uncles and aunts.
It doesn't matter, really! I probably like it more, because it means no too much attention in one day XD
Only about three people in my work knows my birthday, and it's really good for me.
But my boss gave me extra job to do, so that's a birthday present from him lol.

While lunch, I sat with a certain person and we had a good conversation for about 40 minutes there.
About death. About the people who we knew dead.
For the first time ever, I talked to a person about my dad and almost teared up.
Even he realized that I was sad so he started talking about something else.
And he probably the only who understand, why I want to die young.
I didn't explain anything, but he said "I wish you'd die young." and I wish him the same.
It was the best birthday conversation I've ever had.

HAPPY 22!
LET'S DANCE~

Hi, my name is Chita and I'm 21 years old.

Think about it, it means I've been living and knowing the world for 21 years.
Some people said you're ONLY 21.
But damn! 21 years is a long time!
How far do I know about life after 21 years?
How far have I gone during my 21 years?
It makes me want to cry if I realized I didn't do much after 21 years I live.
Sad? No. Regret? No. Disappointed? Kind of. Grateful? Very much!
This is my first 21 years in my life.
It could be my last 21 years too, we don't know.
And don't look at me like that!
I'm a pessimist person who believe that death is only a few inches away from us all the time.

Well anyway,
I'm happy that my life is not boring.
I maybe lost some chances and things my friends had in their lives.
But I also gained and got what they never had.
And those were options.
I chose the different paths with the children at my age. So I end up in different way.
But it's all good.
Life is full of choice.
I might not always enjoy choosing. But it makes me excited.
New things make me excited.

I spent time more with older people than people in the same age with me.
I love listening to them telling me the experiences they have.
I want to know what they wish they would do if they could travel back time.
We don't always need to learn from our mistakes.
That would be better if we can learn from other people's mistakes instead.
I believe in that.

So here I am.
21. Working. Believing in God.
Also known as Kaiwa Alexandra.
A witch with freaking awesome good friends who plays quidditch.
Very, very grateful for everything I own, lost, and am with.
Looking forward to write the 22 post next year :D

i'm nineteen now.

isnt that great?

i mean, God is really kind to let a person, a girl like me to stay in His beautiful world.
19 is kinda a big enough number for me.
u know what? i don't think i could live through 25.
i can't imagine my self blow the 25 candles.
i feel like i have a short life. i dont know why.
i feel blessed being the first born child. 
because i know that one time long ago, for my case, 19 years ago.
September 18, 1991. 13:10 WIB.
two people cried happy tears and looked at me like an angel.
the one person, he gave me life lessons and everything he could in my first 8 years.
the other one, i know, she always looks at me like i'm her 'something'
i love them. 
and for 'the other one', she is my reason to live now.
she holds me here, to not meet my 'the one'
and i wanna live a day before she dies.
if she lives an hundred, i wanna live an hundred minus one.
so i wont lose her at all.