My Dad died on April 25th 2000, that means it'll be 15th year this year.

God.

It has been so awfully long, hasn't it?

I'm gonna be 24 this year.
My sister will be 20 (Awww!).
And my little brother is 18 this May.
My Mum has happily remarried with a nice man (still not as nice as my Dad though, really) and gave us a half brother who is lovely and smart.

My Dad's death always haunts me for the past 15 years.
If I wasn't a traumatic kid, it made me becomes one.
It breaks and tears me down, into pieces.
And I keep running from the truth that my Dad has gone for 15 years now.

But for the first time in the last 15 years, this thought has come to me.
The thought of making peace with my nightmare.
The thought of finally letting him go.
The thought of not running from the truth about him.
The thought of enjoying my life without being so stuck with it.

It's been 15 years.
People said time will heal anything.
Anything.
I hope it's true and I hope this isn't an exception.

I don't want to forget him. Not ever.
I want to always miss him.
I want to love him more each day as if he's still alive.

But I need to find a way to do that without being trapped inside my fear.

Sometimes I wish I went to his funeral instead of crying in the attic while he was taken away.
I wish I watched them buried him to the ground, to his last shelter. And I hope the best shelter he's ever had.
Maybe if I did that, I wouldn't be as haunted as I am now.

I have so many thoughts in my mind but I haven't got time to sit down and type ony laptop.
I can do on my phone but my stupid perfectionist side told me "No! You should sit down and type. THAT is called blogging!"
So meh.

Put that aside.
I just want to write a few things that I feel lately.

I love my friends.
Like, real love.
Like, friends love.

I love the one that send me funny pictures or funny quizzes results or hot guy that she likes but I don't because we totally have different type.
I love the one that always teased me when I posted a pic of me wearinf lipstick. BUT I always wear lipstick when I go out with her! Pfft.
I love the one that has the same zodiac sign as me who is hopelessly romantic and stuck with the same guy for years - with no status. Damn you, girl!
I love the one that I rarely contact and live in another city but is always fun to meet and hang with.
I love the one whom I can fangirl with and make me comfortable around her because she is so kind and nice.
I love the one that only I meet when he's in the city and we usually go to see movies and eat and he has a really good taste on music.
I love the one I can randomly ask about IT stuffs, or just stuffs. The one that I've known for years but I've never met (So sorry!)
I love the one whom I met when I was 13 and has a beautiful name and a happy family but now work in a city far away and I miss her terribly.
I love the one who lives in another continent and travel to England every once in a few months (God, SO jealous!) and is my role model who made me very brave and dare to stand up for people I love.
I love the one whom I know online and is very shy and awkward and not talking much but when we do it makes me so happy.

And so on.
Sometimes you forget how much blessings you've received in a form of friendship.
So I'm glad now I remember it and want to spend a little time to write it down.

I love you, friends.
Thanks for being there for me.