Dear Chita,

27 is you are.

Always remember the days when you were five.
When life was easier, all you had to do was asking someone bigger than you to reach the higher shelves, to clean up things after you.
But now that you are that bigger person, please don't forget to keep curious, stay happy, be a little wonder, keep reading fairytales, and don't let that little child sparks inside you died.
There are days that seem harder, paths that seem longer, time that tick slower, and even things that seem impossible.
That is okay, as long as you keep going.
No matter how slow, no matter how hard it is.
Keep going and don't take a step back.

Always remember that there were days when you wished for things you have today.
Please be grateful and never take things for granted.
Take care of other people as you learn lately that respect is not earned but given.
Everyone is entitled of receiving respect, until they prove themselves they're not.
Be nice to everyone but careful to pick your inner circle.
Don't hesitate to cut off toxic people out of your life.
Those people that won't make you happy don't deserve permanent seats.
Show them the exit door as they come through the entrance to make sure they don't get lost too long in your life.

Always remember that your best is never enough.
Keep challenging yourself. Learn a lot.
As the world is evolving rapidly, so you should be.
Everyone has stories. Listen to them.
Make mistakes. But don't repeat them.
Have faith. Always.
Because God has always been faithful to you after all these times.
It's never too late to come closer to Him.
Afterall, He is the only one you have.

Thank you for surviving, living, and learning the past one year.
Let's keep doing that. And also, start giving.

Love,
Yourself

For the past 26 years, I've experienced a roller coaster life.
I had a great childhood in my first seven years.
Both of my parents were not perfect but they were supportive of my hobbies of reading, bicycling, and like any other kids, I had to do things I used to hate but now that I'm looking back, I'm thankful they forced me to do it.

I know now how it's like to be wrong but feels so right
It's you

The way you put your arms on my shoulder
When you said things will be alright

Or when you teased me
And can't hide that cheeky smile of yours

I still remember the first time we talked
Or the first time I decided that you were cool

When you complained because I texted you at 11 PM
And you always bring it up when you need something against me

That one day when you pretended being mad at me
I thought it was for real

That night I knew my heart broke
And I almost cried on the way home

But yesterday you told me that you would never be angry at me again
And that you would smile every time we meet

See how I meant by it feels so right?
It does feel so right, doesn't it?

But it's wrong
In many ways, it is

Because you are belong to another world
Where in that world, I don't exist

And I shouldn't be

I always think that I'm blessed more than I deserved.
Especially lately.
I'm extremely grateful with my life - my every day.

How could I not be?

My direct boss is one of the kindest person I've known in my entire life.
He's very patient with me.
Teaching, understanding, guiding, and supporting me.
He's that kind of person who believes that we must grow better every day and aspire to be someone bigger, always.
Just the kind of person I need to have around me.
In his age and with his experience, he doesn't stop learning.
Heck, he's now even taking an online course in his already busy life.
By looking at him, it makes me ashamed if I feel tired or lazy or complain.
We have the same 24 hours.
Yet he manages to exercise, does tons of work, assignments, reads some work-related stuffs, reads more books, watches tv, socializes, and goes to pray.
I'm not even close to that.

And then the directors in the company.
Whom I manage to tease and joke with almost every day.
Keep up with my silliness, not-funny jokes, tantrums, mistakes, but always be supportive and make  me laugh, every time.
They keep me sane.
They make the supposed-to-be-stressful time not stressful.

My colleagues.
The smart-asses people who always make me try to be a better person.
You are everything. Every single of you.
I always wish to be surrounded by people who are better than me.
And you are the answers to that wish.

Well, it's been only short seven months.
I maybe will change my mind later.
But who cares.
I enjoy it now.
I'm happy.
I'm grateful.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world.

1. What does your ideal day look like?
Sleep well. Wake up early. Sunny with some clouds. And know what's in the plate for the day.

2. What did you want to be when you were younger?
An animal vet. I love animals :)

3. Who are you most inspired by? Why?
Andrea Sachs of The Devil Wears Prada. When I watched the movie, that was the first time I found out the job that I wanted. And now I'm doing it... my dream job!

4. Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?
It's probably a boring answer. My Dad. I just want to know how he is and whether I've made him happy with the life I'm currently in.

5. What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
Oversleep. Getting up early is really hard for me, even though I know that it's good for us and so many great things happen when the world is still half asleep.

6. Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person?
He's hard working. And genuinely kind.

7. How do you like to relax?
Long walking. Or sleeping.

8. When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? 
I worry about anything but afraid very little.

9. What are you most proud of?
My logic. My empathy. My sense to understand another people.

10. What are you most afraid of?
Not knowing. Then I fear of the future.

11. If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing?
Spending more time with my Mom

12. Who would you like to connect (or reconnect with)? Why?
Honestly, I'm very curious about Taylor Swift's personality. I think we can get along very well and be good friends.

13. What qualities do you admire in others?
Patience. I lack of it but really trying hard.

14. What practical skills do you wish you had?
Good cooking skill!

15. Imagine you're in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell?
I want to look back seeing that I was happy spending all my years and have no regrets. Even though bad times were there, but it made me stronger instead. That I had good friends and people around me. That I had good jobs and loved them. That those years were worth.

16. What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
I really like Flying Without Wing by Westlife. The lyrics is so beautiful and shows that love can be found everywhere and everyone has it their own way.

17. If you could make one change in the world, what would it be?
World peace.

18. What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object - something from you personally)?
I'd like to listen to their stories or problem or vision. We can share thoughts. I'll sit or walk for hours with them for that session.

19. What excites you?
A fully booked day!

20. What do you wish you did more of?
Traveling. Not in terms visiting touristy place. But more of experiencing new things. Go to remote area. Having mind-blowing conversation with local people. Absorbing nature. Hiking. Those kinds of traveling.

21. Pretend money is no object. What would you do?
Educating my self. By reading books, by attending courses, by signing up for schools, by traveling, by discussing with other people.

22. What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Which area makes you feel the worst? Why?
Best is my work life. I have my dream job. Working in a good company. My boss is really kind. My colleagues are nice.
Worst is the social life outside work. I'm bad at keeping in touch with people I no longer see in daily basis.

23. Let's jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year?
In one year, I want to have a studying in uni to look forward to. Other than that, I just want to do really, really well in my job and grow there.

24. What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now? 
To five year old me: You're going to face the hardest year ever in your life but you'll do just fine. You are stronger than you thought you were. You will survive and do well.
To sixteen year old me: High school might not be the best years in your life and that's OKAY. You'll achieve more than just having a group of friends and they won't matter as much once you graduate.
To twenty-one year old me: Keep learning. Always be helpful. Be patient. Observe. Pay attention to anything. Be happy. Your life is still long and will get better.

25. How do you want to be remembered in life?
As a dependable and trustworthy person.

If your Daddy is still alive and well, you're both lucky and blessed.
Because, as I have said it million times, I'm ready to give up anything to have my Daddy back with me. But I can't. And I shouldn't. Or I mustn't.
Well, life goes on.
And even though the last time I see him in flesh was nearly 17 years ago, I still feel a little lucky and blessed because I have some memories of him left with me.

My Dad loved to exercise.
He's a smoker, but he did morning run/jog a lot.
I remember used to run behind him.
And he did shoulder-stand lots at home.

He loves to do carpentering, gardening, or house renovating by himself.
We built cages for our chickens, birds, and rabbits together.
We covered the lawn with cement and turned it into a little pool, then a fish pond that we could fish from on the weekends.
Dad planted a few of fruit trees too.
Mom loved it, I guess. So he did.

Dad was an animal lover.
We went to zoo and animal market for fun.
And we had some pets as well.
He used to have dogs when he was a kid, then the dog died, he buried him on his house's front yard.
But one day when I came home crying because a dog chased me, he went to that (stray) dog and beat him. Poor dog. But also, GO DADDY!

My dad can cook.
He made the best fried rice.
When I sulked at him to cook me fried rice, he told me to wait and sit nicely while he cooks.

He could play guitar really, really well.
That one bit I can remember very clearly.
The guitar he modified himself, which he played with harmonica on his mouth.
Until today, he's the only person I know who could do that.
I also remember when I tried to pick up the guitar but I was too small for that.
He said he's gonna teach me one day.
The day that never came.

Still about guitar, in little village he grew up, no one else had guitar nor could play it.
He taught his friends how to play guitar and went to "Ngamen" (play music in the street side for money) with them all.

He's a history buff.
Yeah, guess whom I inherited that one from.
We were so familiar with museums.
Encyclopedias were our bed time stories.
If I had longer time with him, we would discover more museums in the country!

Since he's a geek already, of course he also loved to read.
He loved Tintin, very much.
He loved reading comics and had hard time growing up because like any other kids, he wasn't allowed to read comics and should be studying instead.
But he let me reading comics, or anything, really.
He encouraged me to read more, to read bigger, thicker book.
Gave me money to buy or rent books.
And we went to second-hand book shop together too.

I didn't realize it until now, when my uncle just told me.
My Dad was a huge movie enthusiast.
Well, this explain the bits of memories I have of him.
When I woke up in the night, I could almost always find him still awake, watching movies I didn't remember.
And from subtitles in the movie was the first time I learn how to read quickly (like an adult!).

My father was a great guy.
Despite of the fact that most of his brothers were scared of him.
Or that he fought a lot growing up.

Even though he's no longer with me in person, I'm very happy that I had him for the first eight years in my life.
And that I had him as my father.
And that I remember so much about him.

I miss you, Papa.

Just to make it worse, I'm writing this crazy stuffs about me PART II \o/
You can read the first post here. But if you don't want to, that works for me too.

11. Secretly loves racing cars
I love racing cars, fast cars, TV shows about cars... even though I never quite understand about automotive. But if I could choose, I wouldn't want to own them. Good looking racing cars are not for me to own, they're just too beautiful. Besides, I can't ride them fast enough to make a difference :P
Mini Cooper is my most fave car. I also love Audi and Ferrari. But I don't like Lamborghini. I love modern-classic cars, SUV, and jeep. I LOVE big cars!

12. Doesn't like mirror
I never met someone who is quite like me in this, I don't like mirror. Or seeing myself in a mirror. I don't have certain reason nor can explain why. I look at the mirror only when really necessary. I'm not that girl who checks herself every time she passes a mirror. I admit it that this is weird, but I just doesn't like mirror.

13. Loves stuffed animals
When I say it out loud, I do feel like a teenager haha. But I really do love stuffed animals. I constantly check out the toys stores for cute ones. Sometimes I also buy non-animals ones. I have Paddington Bear. I also have a few action figures. If action figures are not THAT expensive, I think I would've bought lots of them as well!

14. Loves languages
I was taught English before I went to kindergarten (thank you, Daddy!) so maybe that took big part about this perk I have. The second language I learnt was Japanese. I bought a book, got a dictionary from my aunt, and tried to remember as many words as I could. I still can count until 10 in Japanese now. Then I studied French at school. About one year ago, I signed up for a Dutch class in Erasmus. I haven't continued to next level though. Currently I'm interested on learning Gaelic.
But don't get me wrong, I also love Indonesian traditional languages, especially Javanese and Sundanese <3

15. Loves Germans
I don't even know where to start, but I do love Germans people and I can't explain why XD

16. Obsessed with time-traveling (stories)
Maybe because at first I wanted to do it my self, specifically to stop my father from dead. That was back when I was younger, of course. As I grew up, I enjoy it a lot as stories. Then I knew Doctor Who (which all about time-traveling) and obsessed even more. Especially in the episode where Rose Tyler traveled back in time to try rescue her father from a car accident which killed him (related much?). Also because time-traveling has any story impossible. And now, even though I really like the idea of time-traveling, I hope it won't come true. Because, oh, the mess it could cause ><

17. Never regrets
At first, it was only words to live by: regret nothing. But then I realized that it's true. Don't regret anything that has happened. Just don't. It will stop you to step up, step forward, and move on. Besides, it's already happened and unless you have a time machine, you can't do much about that.
Not everything I've done was perfect. Heck, they were even FAR from perfect. But I don't regret anything, not even my mistakes. Because when I made mistakes, the only thing I could do about that is to learn from it. Nothing else. And I'm a big believer that everything happened for reasons!

18. Has good sense of smell
It's just so weird and can get really wild sometimes and makes me feel like a dog.
The good side is I always try to make my room (and myself too!) smells good :)

19. Loves documentary movies
Especially the good ones. Thank God we have European who ace in the making documentary movies. I really love them. Good documentary movies show that good and interesting stories don't always happen in human's imagination, but they also happen somewhere. The last documentary movies I watched was African Cats (2011) which made me cry, laugh, and scared. And I was watching big cats!

20. Loves vanilla smell
I'm wearing vanilla extract as perfume. And The Body Shop's Madagascan Vanilla perfume. Some people said it made me smell like a cake. What should I say? I do want to smell like a cake!

I haven't been writing anything useful this year.
Lots of new things, lots of adjustments, trying to catch up with life are what happened.
Meanwhile life is actually kinda exciting, I haven't been very wordy to write them down.
Tonight, I'm feeling wordy.
Don't be too eager, it's still another useless stuffs.
I'm going to write some crazy facts about myself!
Hey, it's my blog, I totally can write about myself :D

1. Dislikes watching TV
I'm not sure why but I guess it was a habit growing up. You know when you were little and your parents didn't allow you to watch too much TV? Yeah, it happened to me too. And I guess I become used to not watching TV. Besides, I hate commercial breaks and being controlled by TV shows schedule.

2. Dislikes shopping, unless grocery or books shopping!
I find clothes/shoes shopping is rather frightening. Because I need to go from one store to another yet it doesn't mean I will find the things I want. It could be easier to buy online but I can't touch them, so no. I'm a very picky person and won't buy something unless I like everything about it. So clothes/shoes shopping is a nightmare!
Meanwhile, I love shopping in supermarkets. I can go for hours! I like to read labels, compare stuffs, and you can always find a thing you need in supermarkets (well at least, sweets and snacks, right?).
And books... I prefer to buy them online because it'll be easier to NOT buy more if you're not surrounded by book shelves with heavy, good-looking, colourful books. Also, I need to check regularly for discount which is tiring if I check it offline in the stores!

3. Likes sunbathing
It's not weird, unless you're a pure-Asian who lives in a tropical country where (almost) every woman wants to look whiter/lighter and try to stay out of the sun as long as they could.
I actually enjoy being under the sun. Well, mid-day sun gives me headache, mostly. But when I get a chance, I like to sit under the sun and enjoy the sunlight roasts my skin. It's warm. It feels like I'm being recharged.

4. Loves working!
Am I a workaholic? I actually don't know what a workaholic is. I just enjoy working. Even though I'm also complaining when it's Monday, stressed when work is getting tight, and wants to skip a day (or a year) off, I actually enjoy it. I like being busy. So busy you barely can breath. I like having so much to do. I like pushing my limits. I don't mind working until late. Sometimes, I even work on weekends.
So, am I a workaholic?

5. (can be crazy) Details (sometimes)
Maybe it's because I read and am obsessed with  Sherlock Holmes and Detective Conan. Maybe because I'm too paranoid. Maybe because I'm just this crazy.
When I leave my room, I take a brief eye-scan on the room to memorize the place of each items (only the major ones, though) so when I'm back, I check if my stuffs are in the same positions as I left earlier. So far, I never got any creepy/weird/woah-are-those-stuffs-moving-by-themselves experiences in my rented room, because no one came inside my room when I wasn't there (thank God!). When I lived in a house, I always can tell if someone borrowed my pen or moved something on my desk.
I'm not crazy, right? ><

6. Have a good memory... sometimes
Especially about something that I heard verbally. Like when you tell me stories about your ex-boyfriends or your ancestors, I would be likely to remember it even when you've forgotten about it. It's not that I want to keep them in my mind, but it's just there.
It's also annoying when you promise me something, because I will always, always remember them :)

7. Never hates a person
If you know me personally, especially if you were my close friends, you would know how I could cruelly ignore people. But don't take it wrong. I wouldn't hate anyone, even though it seems like it. I always believe hating means caring. And if I don't like a certain person, I wouldn't hate them because it means I still care about them (pfft!). So instead of hating, I would ignore instead. Pretend that they don't exist. It's healthier for me that way.

8. Obsessed with orders and lists
I have lists of everything. List of resolutions of each year, list of things I want to buy, list of things I need to buy, list of things I want to do before I die, list of the books I have, list of the books I want to buy, list of the movies I've watched each year, etc. My life is not my life if I don't have my lists. It helps me prioritizing things. It helps me not to miss anything or lost my focus.

9. Watches what she eats, closely
I don't like being sick (who does?!) but I don't really have a healthy living. I don't exercise regularly, I don't take vitamins regularly either. So the only thing to maintain my health is by watching what I eat and drink. It's not crazy stuffs. I still eat normal foods I can buy in warung or food street, but I try to not eat bad combinations. For example, you won't find me eating rice with noodles or potatoes, because it means I eat double carbohydrates. Or I don't eat chicken/beef/lambs with fish/seafood because... well, you actually shouldn't. Look it up. I try to eat a full plate of vegetables or fruits at least once a week. I drink milk an hour before I eat anything. I drink coffee/tea as less as I could (usually once in a few days). I limit myself to drink canned/bottled drinks only once a month. I don't eat instant noodles anymore (unless I don't have a choice). Etc.
However, I'm not picky when I don't have many choices. If someone serves me instant noodles, I won't tell them "Oops sorry, I don't eat this, can you cook me something else?"

10. Not ambitious, at all
In my very first job interview, I was asked about my expected salary. My answer was "Above the minimum wage". The interviewer teased me, "What if I gave you only IDR 10,000 above the minimum wage?" and my answer was "That's fine. As long as it's above the minimum wage. You can determine how much I deserve after you see my performance"
Of course I didn't answer that when I was asked the same question in my next job interviews.
What I was trying to say is that I never had any ambition to earn more money. Or to get certain position. That doesn't mean I don't like money. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to travel the world or not counting when you're book shopping? :D
But that doesn't mean more money or high positions are my goals. My goals are to always learn, wherever I work. Because money can be stolen, but no one could steal your knowledge and ideas from you :)

[to be continued...]

Selama saya dibesarkan, saya tidak menerima banyak pujian.
Atau bisa saja saya yang tidak ingat.
Well, sewaktu saya umur 4-5 tahun sih saya menerima appraisal karena Papa sukses mengajarkan saya Bahasa Inggris dari sebelum saya masuk SD.
Tapi setelah itu, khususnya setelah Papa meninggal, ga ada lagi yang ngasih appraisal di hidup saya.
Not that I complained. It happened. It couldn't be done otherwise, right?
Tapi mungkin itulah alasan kenapa saya menjadi orang yang tidak pernah percaya diri dan awkward.
Setiap saya menerima pujian, saya tidak percaya kalau saya berhak atas pujian tersebut.
Sometimes, it makes me looks arrogant, karena reaksi saya biasanya diam, senyum datar, atau paling bilang terima kasih secara standard.
In other situation gue jugs bisa menjawab, "I'm not doing anything good. It's just what I'm supposed to do."
Tapi itu bukan berarti gue ga seneng menerima appraisal lho.
Beberapa minggu yang lalu gue nerima pujian pertama gue dari beberapa colleagues gue.
I'm really flattered and appreciate it.
Tapi setengah dari gue ga percaya karena bagi gue I didn't do anything great.
I'm just doing my job.

Di HOL, gue juga hampir selalu meragukan diri sendiri, dalam hal apapun.
The good thing is, I have Sam.
Dari 4 tahun yang lalu pertama kali gue kenal Sam, dia yang selalu ngasih gue tantangan baru.
Something bigger each time, yang bahkan gue sendiri ga percaya kalo gue bisa ngerjain hal itu.
But in the end, I could.
She believes in me more than anyone ever believed in me.
And I believe that everyone needs a person in their life who is like that.
I'm lucky to have her.
Sampai sekarang, kalo dia ngasih gue kerjaan baru, gue cuma bisa jawab, "If you think I can do that, then I will."

Was it good to grow up receiving less appraisal?
I honestly don't know.
Tapi yang jelas gue merasa senang pihak-pihak yang mendidik gue tidak pernah mengiming-imingi rewards.
Entah itu sekedar "Beli ini ke warung, kembaliannya buat kamu", hadiah kalau puasanya full satu bulan, juara kelas, atau apapun itu.
Karena lalu saya mengerti bahwa mengerjakan sesuatu itu tidak perlu imbalan dalam bentuk apapun.
Bahkan terkadang, kita juga tidak bisa mengharapkan imbalan dalam hasil yang baik.
Shit happens, right?

It was a random thoughts I have after receiving another compliment from my boss this morning.
And I haven't even replied his email of compliment.
I don't even know if I would.

I started reading a lot again.
Thanks to Ashley, who is suddenly encouraging me to do more reading.
And more watching.
And basically turning me into an absolute, full-time fangirl.
I'm not complaining, just saying.

Reading is a fun activity, you know.
You can be anyone else.
You can know what others think.
You can know how people deal with many things.
You can go to adventure.
You can visit places.
You can feel many emotions.
Without leaving your place, wherever you are.

I started reading very early.
My dad was a big reader himself.
I used to hear stories how he sneaked comics to his room when he's supposed to study.
I guess he didn't want me to feel the same, so he let me read whenever I want.
He taught me to read.
I remember very clearly how I sat on his lap as he taught me to read subtitles on tv that night.
I know, what a beautiful moment to remember.
I also remember that he used to take me buying books, comics, magazines.
And how I spent some of my weekends reading books on my beach chair... not in a beach.
My parents also gave me money to rent books.
They were okay with it.
I was the happiest kid.

Then I moved to Bogor, where, my aunt and uncles, even though they're very good parents, they didn't see reading the same way as my dad did.
I couldn't read as much as I didn't.
I couldn't use my money to rent nor buy books.
But I kept reading anyway.
They subscribe to Bobo magazine, so I still got that.
And I bought second hand books and comics, but I couldn't get to keep them.
Because they'll be upset.
So I threw them away after I read them.
I remember how sad it was.

So after I got a job and my own money, I never stop buying books.
I bought every books that I wanted to buy.
Even though it's not cheap, or I need to wait a month because they're shipped from overseas.
It's worth it.

Reading is not only a hobby.
It's my dad's legacy.
I don't know nor understand how hard is it to make your kid loves reading.
But he did.
He made me love reading.
16 years after he's gone, I'm still reading.
And when I'm reading, I feel like back to one of those nights.
When I was on his lap, listening to him reading.
Or when I was on my beach chair.

When I'm reading, I feel him around.
Reading with me.

Everyday, I specifically ask God to make me a better person.
And I think, being a better person is not about the result, but rather about the journey.
God doesn't make me wiser or smarter overnight, but He'll put me in a situation that can make me wiser and smarter. Which if I could pass it, I will be exactly as what I prayed.

And I'm in a journey to be a better person everyday.
So I tried to be more heedful.
As I grow older, I meet more people from many backgrounds and with many personalities.
The ones that I didn't think I could meet but then I do.
Especially since I join a new company.
Before I thought expatriate in my country only sit in highest positions but now here, they're sitting in the same cubicles as locals.
Before I thought my previous boss was humble and kind enough, but my recent boss is even MORE humble and kinder and funnier in many ways and it makes me love him so much!
Before I thought I couldn't find co-workers like my previous ones, but my recent co-workers are as lovely as them (even though I still miss my old co-workers a lot too!)
Before I thought there's no stronger bound like my previous company, but my recent company's employees have even STRONGER bound!

God always replaces things with better things, every time.
I never doubt that.
Yet He still proves that it's true and make my faith even bigger.

I used to moan and complain about Monday but for the last few weeks, I didn't.
I enjoy and is excited of Monday because there's a weekly meeting which is fun because it's so casual and not boring, it's also very much shorter than we did in my previous company.

I also have my good friend as my roommate.
My relationship with my family is stronger than ever.

Dear God,
I would never be able to thank You enough for all these blessings.
I can't even count it.
Thank you so much for the best part of  my life... yet!
I believe you still have a lot to surprise me later :)

I've come to notice about this particular thing, lately.
About how ladies are being defined by their men.
Like, my friend told me she couldn't weigh any more because her boyfriend would dislike her. Or her skin should stay glowing. Or she couldn't cut her hair because he likes it long. Or she couldn't act crazy like she was around her friends at home with her husband. Some things like that.

Those things scare me.
Those things make me think that relationships are scary things. Especially when you're defined by other persons or you can't be you around someone that, ironically, you choose to spend the rest of your life together with.

Maybe it's only because I spend my whole life define my own self and not let anyone tells me who I am.
Maybe because I feel that I can do whatever I want to do as long as it's not a bad thing and I enjoy it.

I don't know which is right or wrong.
Maybe neither is.
But I feel like it'd be so sad if you need to stay skinny or looked good or 24/7 well-behaved because someone else wants you to.
Someone else who is supposed to accept you as you are. Whoever you are.

When I am with someone, I want him to let me by my own true self around him. I want him to be my most trusted person, my best buddy, someone I can talk to about everything - not just anything.
Because I'm willing to spend the rest of my life committed to him, only to him. And I don't want to be not less than comfortable with him.

I hope he won't scold me when I look chubbier. Or get my skin tanner.
I hope he won't disagree when I act childish. Or want to watch cartoons on weekends.
I hope he won't mad when I want to stay on bed longer and feel a bit lazy even though the weather is nice outside.
I hope he won't question me when there are weird places I want to visit with him.
I hope he will support me whoever I am and will be.
Because that's what I plan to do with him.

So yeah, it's a long journey, indeed, to find someone like that.
But I believe that God is kind enough to give me someone that I want, not just what I need.

I have this thing that when someone told me I'm not capable to do something, it makes me want to do it.
As someone who is a littlw perfectionist, I dislike being told about what I'm not capable of.
I can't remember exactly when I started being like this. The first event that I remember is when I was in Math class, last year of high school.
We had same teacher as when we did the year before. I never liked Math, never paid attention or did any works.
But it was our last year in high school and our grades were (kind of) determining whether we're going to graduate or not. And maybe the teacher was even more anxious than the students so he started teaching more seriously.
One day, he told me to solve a problem on the whiteboard. I told him I can't, because I don't understand.
(Yeah, I've always been that frontal >_>)
He raised his eyebrows (he's not the type that yell and mad and do all scary teachers do, btw) and smirked, "This is very easy and you can't solve it? Tsk tsk. Go sit then."
I felt bad. Either it was because I felt belittled, or guilty, or ashamed of my self.
But I replied to him, "Fine, I'll solve this. Give me 5 minutes!"
Then I went to my smartest friend in class and learned from her.
The result? I did it correctly and since then, I did every single homework, solved most of given problems, did all exams by myself, and got 9.75 in the final exam (even higher score than my English score!).

The most recent is when I told my mom I'm going to pay for my brother's college tuition. And she (and my stepfather) told me to not to. Because they thought I'm not able to keep that kind of commitment. They're afraid I'm going to fail in midways and will leave my brother helpless.
My reaction was "No. I'm going to pay. I don't care if you think I can't, but I'm going to and I will commit until he graduates."

It's a shame that people need to belittle me to make me stand taller and do better, really haha. Maybe all I need is a little motivation and the satisfaction feeling of proofing people's bad thoughts about me are wrong.
The problem is, I don't always meet people telling me like that. So while that kind of people isn't around, I need to find a better motivation to keep on going.

Selamat pagi, Tuhan...
Terima kasih atas permulaan dari 24 tahunnya saya hidup di dunia.
Terima kasih untuk setiap milidetiknya.
Terima kasih untuk setiap pengalamannya.
Terima kasih ketika saya berada di atas, terlebih ketika saya berada di bawah.
Terima kasih untuk berbagai rasa yg telah saya rasakan.
Terima kasih untuk setiap urat senyum maupun setiap tetes air mata.
Terima kasih untuk setiap wajah yg saya lihat, setiap tangan yg saya sentuh, dan setiap suara yg saya dengar.
Terima kasih untuk setiap ilmu dan ingatan yg saya dapatkan.
Terima kasih untung keluarga dan temen-temen saya.
Terima kasih, untuk hidup.

Itu yg selalu jadi pegangan gue, sampe gue jadiin banner blog ini.
Karena sejak kelas 3 SMA, temen-temen gue semakin berkurang.
Mungkin karena attitude gue yg katanya egois dan sering bikin sakit hati orang lain.
Mungkin karena gue terlalu keukeuh sama prinsip gue.
Mungkin memang ga jodoh aja dalam berteman hehe.

Setelah lulus, temen gue semakin sedikit aja. Sisa temen dari SMA sibuk kuliah, bahkan ada yg di luar kota, dan punya temen-temen baru juga.
Kalo ada reuni, gue ga pernah mau dateng karena ngeri ketemu sama orang-orang yg dulu ga akur sama gue. Ngeri? Iya ngeri.
Ga akur sama temen cewek itu ngeri.

Sampe terus, gue dihubungin Rama buat gabung di forum filmnya. Gue kenalan lagi sama banyak orang baru. Ketemu temen-temen baru yg bisa bikin ketawa kayak gue ga pernah ketawa haha.
Selalu nyenengin ketemu mereka, walaupun gue satu di antara dua atau tiga cewek yg ngumpul bareng, biasanya sih.
Gue jadi punya temen lagi (hore!).
Gue juga jadi punya kegiatan baru.
Sampai sekarang.
Makasih Rama!

Trus pindah ke kosan juga nambah temen baru. Cewek semua!
Tapi alhamdulillah temen-temen kosan walaupun cantik-cantik tapi pada smart dan kalo ngobrol ga soal diet, kecantikan, gosip doang. Tapi juga sharing tentang banyak hal.

Kemarin naik gunung rame-rame juga bikin nambah temen-temen baru. Yg tadinya ga kenal, jadi kenal bahkan cela-celaan.

Sekarang, temen mainnya lebih banyak cowok daripada cewek.
Seru. Ketawa mulu.
Gue seneng ketawa.
Walau kadang ngerasanya gue ngebebanin mereka, karena gue cewek sendiri kan pastinya mereka gimanaaa gitu hahaha.

Tapi untung temen-temen kosan dan kantor menyeimbangkan. Tetep bisa sharing masalah cewek. Tetep bisa curhat galau penuh perasaan. Tetep bisa nanya lotion apa yg paling melembabkan kulit hahaha.

Intinya sih, gue bersyukur sama hidup gue sekarang.
Bersyukur karena gue ga berusaha mati-matian untuk temenan sama orang-orang yg bikin gue ga nyaman cuma demi alasan biar punya temen.
Mungkin kalo gue tetep temenan dan bergantung sama mereka, gue ga bisa ketemu dan temenan sama temen-temen gue sekarang, karena stuck di satu circle itu aja.

Many times I "removed" people from my life. People who I used to call friends or even best friends, for years.
Sometimes it's for reasons that people think is silly. Or that I'm so arrogant. Or I'm childish. Or intolerant. Or not a good person.

Like I would care.

When I'm friends with someone, don't doubt my loyalty. I will do anything for them. REALLY care with them and always be there for them.
When I'm friends with someone, I'll love them with the whole of my heart.

Then something wrong happens.
I cannot tolerate lies.
In any form.
For any reason.
I appreciate truth even it will kill me. I really do.
But don't you lie to me.
Don't ever pull an April fool joke at me. Or that was the last day I'd ever trust you again.

There's a friend that has been friends with me for years now, but I keep thinking that s/he tells lies once in a while. I keep being friends with them and never pointed it out, but I don't love them with the whole of my heart even sometimes I enjoy themselves as a company.
You know, you get a feeling when someone is lying to you.

My friends are the ones I trust to know my personality, to know my life, to know what I like and dislike. I always have tall thick walls around me and with friends, I am willing to lower or make it thinner.
I also want to surround my self with people that can make me better, or want to be better.
I'm past the ages when I want to gossip about friends (that I don't even see anymore). Nor want to discuss about who is thinner or whose hair is shinier.
I'm not saying people are dumb or dumber than me. No. People are smart.
Many people I know went to college in various studies, means they are MUCH smarter than me in their way.
I just want them to TALK and DISCUSS about that. Instead of about weight, hair, shoes, clothes, or boys.

So I started being even pickier than ever now. I have friends who make me comfortable to be around with and also make me better at the same time. And those kinds are the ones I want to see for the rest of my life (and I hope the feeling is mutual).

Surrounded with the kind of people that I don't like makes me worse and I don't want to be it.
And surrounded with the kind of people that I like makes me happy and a better person and more positive. Makes me the person I want to be it.

I know and realize that I can't always find the people I like. And that I need to learn to be friends with those people are not perfect in my eyes.
I certainly will.

But not now.
Now I need to be better. I need to be happy.
If you don't know, I'm not living in the happiest family. So my sunshine/rainbows/butterflies personality has been used up to handle the drama from there lol.
I apologise for not being nice/friendly/socialized like a normal person should be.