I've come to notice about this particular thing, lately.
About how ladies are being defined by their men.
Like, my friend told me she couldn't weigh any more because her boyfriend would dislike her. Or her skin should stay glowing. Or she couldn't cut her hair because he likes it long. Or she couldn't act crazy like she was around her friends at home with her husband. Some things like that.

Those things scare me.
Those things make me think that relationships are scary things. Especially when you're defined by other persons or you can't be you around someone that, ironically, you choose to spend the rest of your life together with.

Maybe it's only because I spend my whole life define my own self and not let anyone tells me who I am.
Maybe because I feel that I can do whatever I want to do as long as it's not a bad thing and I enjoy it.

I don't know which is right or wrong.
Maybe neither is.
But I feel like it'd be so sad if you need to stay skinny or looked good or 24/7 well-behaved because someone else wants you to.
Someone else who is supposed to accept you as you are. Whoever you are.

When I am with someone, I want him to let me by my own true self around him. I want him to be my most trusted person, my best buddy, someone I can talk to about everything - not just anything.
Because I'm willing to spend the rest of my life committed to him, only to him. And I don't want to be not less than comfortable with him.

I hope he won't scold me when I look chubbier. Or get my skin tanner.
I hope he won't disagree when I act childish. Or want to watch cartoons on weekends.
I hope he won't mad when I want to stay on bed longer and feel a bit lazy even though the weather is nice outside.
I hope he won't question me when there are weird places I want to visit with him.
I hope he will support me whoever I am and will be.
Because that's what I plan to do with him.

So yeah, it's a long journey, indeed, to find someone like that.
But I believe that God is kind enough to give me someone that I want, not just what I need.

Waktu 19 September kemarin ada acara keluarga. Dan setiap anak diminta buat cerita tentang dirinya dan hidupnya di depan bude, om-om, tante-tante, dan sepupu-sepupunya yang lain pake mic.
Pertama kali nih.

Awalnya gue bingung gatau mau cerita apa, tapi terus gue cerita tentang perubahan yg terjadi di hidup gue sejak awal tahun. Ini bukan kutipan dari apa yg gue omongin waktu itu sih, cuma omongan waktu itu menginspirasi gue buat nulis blog ini hehe.

Gue inget pas tahun baru gue nangis lama dan ga bisa berhenti. Karena pressure yg gue alamin waktu itu sebagai anak yg paling tua dan bertanggung jawab atas mama dan adik-adiknya.
I felt depressed. Bahkan kepikiran buat ke psikiater segala.

Dan di bulan Maret, gue pindah ngekos.
Gue inget bilang ke Noya, gue pengen ga ansos lagi. Dengan gue ngekos, gue berharap gue bakal berinteraksi dengan temen-temen seumuran yang bisa bikin gue less gloomy dan less introvert.

Alhamdulillah, it works.

Chita yang dulu merasa ga nyaman kalo ada acara keluarga. Ngerasa sendirian, karena yg lain ada orang tuanya, sedangkan gue nggak ada. Nggak ada orang tua bikin kehilangan identitas, khususnya kalo acara keluarga besar (banget), ga ada yg inget lo. Mostly dikenal karena orang tuanya mengenalkan, "Ini anak yg sulung, yg bungsu, dsb".
Tapi Chita yg sekarang, bodo amat. Mau kenal ga kenal, salim aja. Kalo bisa nanti nanya ke yang lain, itu namanya bude atau pakde siapa. Toh ada juga yg nanya, "Ini anaknya siapa?"
"Mas Dadang, bude"
"Oalaaah, ya bude inget banget kalo papamu"
Yay!

Chita yang dulu kebanyakan di kamar. Laptop - hand phone - buku - jurnal.
Tapi sejak liat Luksie yang rajin ngeluangin waktu ke LPK, gue jadi pengen juga (bukan ke LPK, gue ga bakat ngajar, ampun!). Jadi gue nyari organisasi yg butuh volunteer dan nemu YOAI. Sekarang hampir rutin tiap weekend ke RSCM buat ngejenguk dan ngehibur adik-adik yang sakit.

Chita yang dulu kalo ada di kumpulan orang banyak suka diem karena gatau mau ngomong apa.
Sekarang? Masih juga. Cuma sekarang lebih berani buat sok-sok akrab nanya-nanya atau ketawa-ketawa. Dulu masih mikir malu atau sungkan, sekarang sih yang penting sopan.

Chita yang dulu bentar-bentar marah, tapi kalo marah ga sebentar haha.
Sekarang, lima kali sehari minta ke Allah supaya Chita jadi orang yg pemaaf. Sambil pelan-pelan belajar ga gampang marah. Sekarang sih masih suka kesel, tapi kalo kesel cuma bentar. Life goes on. People make mistakes, so do I.

Chita yang sekarang masih Chita yang takut ngambil keputusan. Tapi Chita yang sekarang udah tau kuncinya.
Supaya, insya Allah, keputusan yang diambil selalu berbuah baik, kuncinya itu shalat istikharah.
Gara-gara baca twitnya Fedi Nuril yang bilang kalau dia shalat istikharah dua kali sehari, abis shalat Dzuhur dan sebelum tidur malam.

Chita yang sekarang masih sama kayak Chita yang dulu.
Yang maunya banyak.
Yang selalu merasa kehabisan waktu.
Yang pengen jadi manusia yang lebih baik.
Tapi Chita yang sekarang, insya Allah, lebih tau gimana caranya dan mau berusaha buat ngelakuinnya. Bukan cuma kepengen doang hehe.

I have this thing that when someone told me I'm not capable to do something, it makes me want to do it.
As someone who is a littlw perfectionist, I dislike being told about what I'm not capable of.
I can't remember exactly when I started being like this. The first event that I remember is when I was in Math class, last year of high school.
We had same teacher as when we did the year before. I never liked Math, never paid attention or did any works.
But it was our last year in high school and our grades were (kind of) determining whether we're going to graduate or not. And maybe the teacher was even more anxious than the students so he started teaching more seriously.
One day, he told me to solve a problem on the whiteboard. I told him I can't, because I don't understand.
(Yeah, I've always been that frontal >_>)
He raised his eyebrows (he's not the type that yell and mad and do all scary teachers do, btw) and smirked, "This is very easy and you can't solve it? Tsk tsk. Go sit then."
I felt bad. Either it was because I felt belittled, or guilty, or ashamed of my self.
But I replied to him, "Fine, I'll solve this. Give me 5 minutes!"
Then I went to my smartest friend in class and learned from her.
The result? I did it correctly and since then, I did every single homework, solved most of given problems, did all exams by myself, and got 9.75 in the final exam (even higher score than my English score!).

The most recent is when I told my mom I'm going to pay for my brother's college tuition. And she (and my stepfather) told me to not to. Because they thought I'm not able to keep that kind of commitment. They're afraid I'm going to fail in midways and will leave my brother helpless.
My reaction was "No. I'm going to pay. I don't care if you think I can't, but I'm going to and I will commit until he graduates."

It's a shame that people need to belittle me to make me stand taller and do better, really haha. Maybe all I need is a little motivation and the satisfaction feeling of proofing people's bad thoughts about me are wrong.
The problem is, I don't always meet people telling me like that. So while that kind of people isn't around, I need to find a better motivation to keep on going.

Selamat pagi, Tuhan...
Terima kasih atas permulaan dari 24 tahunnya saya hidup di dunia.
Terima kasih untuk setiap milidetiknya.
Terima kasih untuk setiap pengalamannya.
Terima kasih ketika saya berada di atas, terlebih ketika saya berada di bawah.
Terima kasih untuk berbagai rasa yg telah saya rasakan.
Terima kasih untuk setiap urat senyum maupun setiap tetes air mata.
Terima kasih untuk setiap wajah yg saya lihat, setiap tangan yg saya sentuh, dan setiap suara yg saya dengar.
Terima kasih untuk setiap ilmu dan ingatan yg saya dapatkan.
Terima kasih untung keluarga dan temen-temen saya.
Terima kasih, untuk hidup.

Itu yg selalu jadi pegangan gue, sampe gue jadiin banner blog ini.
Karena sejak kelas 3 SMA, temen-temen gue semakin berkurang.
Mungkin karena attitude gue yg katanya egois dan sering bikin sakit hati orang lain.
Mungkin karena gue terlalu keukeuh sama prinsip gue.
Mungkin memang ga jodoh aja dalam berteman hehe.

Setelah lulus, temen gue semakin sedikit aja. Sisa temen dari SMA sibuk kuliah, bahkan ada yg di luar kota, dan punya temen-temen baru juga.
Kalo ada reuni, gue ga pernah mau dateng karena ngeri ketemu sama orang-orang yg dulu ga akur sama gue. Ngeri? Iya ngeri.
Ga akur sama temen cewek itu ngeri.

Sampe terus, gue dihubungin Rama buat gabung di forum filmnya. Gue kenalan lagi sama banyak orang baru. Ketemu temen-temen baru yg bisa bikin ketawa kayak gue ga pernah ketawa haha.
Selalu nyenengin ketemu mereka, walaupun gue satu di antara dua atau tiga cewek yg ngumpul bareng, biasanya sih.
Gue jadi punya temen lagi (hore!).
Gue juga jadi punya kegiatan baru.
Sampai sekarang.
Makasih Rama!

Trus pindah ke kosan juga nambah temen baru. Cewek semua!
Tapi alhamdulillah temen-temen kosan walaupun cantik-cantik tapi pada smart dan kalo ngobrol ga soal diet, kecantikan, gosip doang. Tapi juga sharing tentang banyak hal.

Kemarin naik gunung rame-rame juga bikin nambah temen-temen baru. Yg tadinya ga kenal, jadi kenal bahkan cela-celaan.

Sekarang, temen mainnya lebih banyak cowok daripada cewek.
Seru. Ketawa mulu.
Gue seneng ketawa.
Walau kadang ngerasanya gue ngebebanin mereka, karena gue cewek sendiri kan pastinya mereka gimanaaa gitu hahaha.

Tapi untung temen-temen kosan dan kantor menyeimbangkan. Tetep bisa sharing masalah cewek. Tetep bisa curhat galau penuh perasaan. Tetep bisa nanya lotion apa yg paling melembabkan kulit hahaha.

Intinya sih, gue bersyukur sama hidup gue sekarang.
Bersyukur karena gue ga berusaha mati-matian untuk temenan sama orang-orang yg bikin gue ga nyaman cuma demi alasan biar punya temen.
Mungkin kalo gue tetep temenan dan bergantung sama mereka, gue ga bisa ketemu dan temenan sama temen-temen gue sekarang, karena stuck di satu circle itu aja.

Many times I "removed" people from my life. People who I used to call friends or even best friends, for years.
Sometimes it's for reasons that people think is silly. Or that I'm so arrogant. Or I'm childish. Or intolerant. Or not a good person.

Like I would care.

When I'm friends with someone, don't doubt my loyalty. I will do anything for them. REALLY care with them and always be there for them.
When I'm friends with someone, I'll love them with the whole of my heart.

Then something wrong happens.
I cannot tolerate lies.
In any form.
For any reason.
I appreciate truth even it will kill me. I really do.
But don't you lie to me.
Don't ever pull an April fool joke at me. Or that was the last day I'd ever trust you again.

There's a friend that has been friends with me for years now, but I keep thinking that s/he tells lies once in a while. I keep being friends with them and never pointed it out, but I don't love them with the whole of my heart even sometimes I enjoy themselves as a company.
You know, you get a feeling when someone is lying to you.

My friends are the ones I trust to know my personality, to know my life, to know what I like and dislike. I always have tall thick walls around me and with friends, I am willing to lower or make it thinner.
I also want to surround my self with people that can make me better, or want to be better.
I'm past the ages when I want to gossip about friends (that I don't even see anymore). Nor want to discuss about who is thinner or whose hair is shinier.
I'm not saying people are dumb or dumber than me. No. People are smart.
Many people I know went to college in various studies, means they are MUCH smarter than me in their way.
I just want them to TALK and DISCUSS about that. Instead of about weight, hair, shoes, clothes, or boys.

So I started being even pickier than ever now. I have friends who make me comfortable to be around with and also make me better at the same time. And those kinds are the ones I want to see for the rest of my life (and I hope the feeling is mutual).

Surrounded with the kind of people that I don't like makes me worse and I don't want to be it.
And surrounded with the kind of people that I like makes me happy and a better person and more positive. Makes me the person I want to be it.

I know and realize that I can't always find the people I like. And that I need to learn to be friends with those people are not perfect in my eyes.
I certainly will.

But not now.
Now I need to be better. I need to be happy.
If you don't know, I'm not living in the happiest family. So my sunshine/rainbows/butterflies personality has been used up to handle the drama from there lol.
I apologise for not being nice/friendly/socialized like a normal person should be.

I'm so fucking tired of listening to people, particularly women, who are obsessed with losing their weights even though they're not fat or maybe they are but they don't care about doing some exercise or HEALTHY diet. They just don't eat. Or eat in small portions but they don't know about what they eat or how much calories they consume.

Like, I had dinner once with a friend.
She refused to eat anything other than fruits or veggies. So she ordered a salad. With mayonnaise.
As she was 80% done with it, I asked her if she knew that mayonnaise is made from egg yolks. She didn't. After that, she refused to finish her salad.
Smh.

I wouldn't care if you're in detox, or Mayo diet (the one without salt in their meals), if you do it right.
And you must really know about what you do.

Maybe I only say this because I'm skinny without trying.
Maybe I don't know what it's like to be overweight and want to be skinny.

But I'm just really tired of listening to people talking about weight loss.
Hopefully you don't die trying.

Dari umur 8 tahun, saya merasa kalo kematian itu dekeeeeet sekali dengan saya dan ada di mana2.
Saya rasa itu yg akan kamu rasakan kalo sewaktu kamu 8 tahun, kamu ngeliat Ayahmu sakaratul maut tepat di depan matamu.

Jadi saya tidak pernah takut mati.
Bukannya sombong, tapi memang tidak.
Kalo meninggal, berarti saya bisa ketemu Papa, insya Allah mungkin juga bisa ketemu nabi Muhammad dan ketemu Allah.
Waktu kecil dan sehabis Papa meninggal, saya berasanya lebih deket sama Allah, cerita-cerita sama Allah, kalo takut inget sama Allah, kalo seneng makasihnya sama Allah.
Sama nabi Muhammad juga, karena hidup beliau yg sedemikian rupa, saya ngerasanya cuma nabi Muhammad yg bisa ngertiin saya dan gantiin sosok Papa. Dulu beberapa kali mimpi dijemput sama nabi Muhammad dan diajak pergi-pergi. Seneng banget.
Mungkin itu maksudnya kalo anak yatim itu jadi kesayangan Allah dan Rasul.
That's a side story.

Sampe sekarangpun saya masih "melihat" kematian di sekitar saya.
Setiap ketemu sama orang yg kurang baik atau sombong, dalam hati saya selalu berpikir, "Kalo kamu besok meninggal sementara hari ini kamu masih berbuat kurang baik seperti ini, alangkah kurang beruntungnya kamu"
Saya juga sering baca2 blog/Twitter/facebook saya dan mengira2, jika saya meninggal, apa hal terakhir yg saya ucapkan. Semoga saja itu baik.

Dan makin ke sini, perasaan "tidak takut mati" itu semakin menenangkan.
Seakan-akan semakin jelas kalau dunia itu benar-benar hanya sementara.
Kalau diperlakukan tidak adil, ya sudah.
Jangan mencari keadilan di dunia, ga ada habisnya. Nanti kan ada akhirat, jauh lebih adil. Ga perlu bikin pembelaan juga :)

Semoga aja kapanpun kematian menjemput, kita semua siap dan ikhlas.

Untuk saya, jika kematian menjemput, saya senang sekali.
Berarti saya bisa ketemu orang-orang dan Dzat Maha Tinggi yg selama ini saya rindukan.
Berarti saya sudah selesai tugasnya di dunia, tinggal mempertanggungjawabkannya.
Berarti saya bisa retired dari hidup dan memulai "hidup" di afterlife.

Maybe I feel tired because I've been running.
Running away from many things in my life.

Running away from the death of my father that has always haunted me.
Running away from the fact that I'm the eldest and that means I'm responsible of my Mom and younger siblings.

It overwhelms me, big times.
It's often that I think I want to disappear.
Or even wish to die instead.

People expect me to be strong and tough.
While inside, I'm only a little girl who miss and need her father.

I'm falling apart.
I'm failing.

I just want to live for my self.
Being responsible of my self.
Focus on my own dreams.
Carry the weight of my own burden.
Being haunted by my own mistakes.

For my whole life I've been trying to convince my self that life is fair.
But it always finds a way to tell me that it's not.
Maybe it really is not.
Maybe that's why there's an afterlife.

Most people would think I'm crazy for spending time online chatting with people I've never met. Or waking up at 2 am to play a game with them.

Their loss.
Because I have one of the best experiences when I'm with them and it's true.

Ravenclaw Quidditch Team has won HOL's quidditch house cup for 7 (at least) years in row.
Broke so many records, like highest score gap, most mvp, etc.
And they earned it with hard work.

First time I heard about them (I wasn't in Ravenclaw at that moment) people were bashing them. I didn't know whether RQT won because they cheated or they really were that good.
But after I found out how hard they worked, I realized, that when someone says the taller a tree is, the stronger wind it will get, is true.

When other teams practice 3x a week, they do 6x. When other teams bot for 3000 questions, they do 12000.

People don't know that.
And even they do, they won't see it. Because they hate them. And it blinds them.

While RQT stays cool no matter what.
Even people call them cheaters - even they aren't.
Even people try to call them out by insulting them in public rooms.
Even the people who are supposed to be not biased, are biased.

Being a part of RQT teaches me a lot of things.
That no matter if we're good (or bad) or do things right (or wrong) , there's always someone who won't like us.
That person will always try to bring us down. But keep your head high anyway.

And since then, everytime I see a successfull person, I don't see the success they have. Rather than imagining the process they've done.
Because, really, no pain no gain.
Even some people also have more blessing than the other.
Some call it talent.
I think that's because they're on their right path.

It's just a simple post about how grateful I am right now about certain part of my life.

It's overwhelming how people that you've never met, that you talk to once in a while about random things, who live in another continent with 12 hours different of time, could be so supportive of your life.

I will always feel happy, grateful, and really lucky to know HOL, to know true friends between the dramas, to have people to talk to about random (and many many) things at very late or very early of time, and to know that friendships could be built even both sides never seen each other's faces.

Thank you, thank you, thank you my HOL friends, my Ravenclaw and my RQT family <3333333

My 15th remembrance of 25th April.
God.
It's been so damn long, hasn't it?!
And for the first time ever I can't go visit him or even send him some prayers because of the monsteration.
Later I'll shower you with many prayers though, Papa. No worries!

If there's time when I need to discuss with Papa the most, probably is today. Or lately, at least.
My youngest brother is going to college soon. And I feel like Papa would give his best thought about it.
And there are many thoughts that I can't share with anyone. But I know with Papa I would be able to put them into words.

Aaaaaah shit.
I just got all tearing up again.
I promised that I would take it easy this year.
It's been 15 years and it's about time to make peace with Papa's death.
But it's not easy, isn't it?

Well, okay.
So.
Happy 15th D-day to my superhero, superman, teacher, personal guardian angel, leader, soldier, lover, my very own Daddy.
I love you forever and ever and after.

Until I see you again, Papa :)

seperti gravitasi,dia bikin aku turun...
sial! dia seperti permen karet di sepatu,sulit hilang tanpa ada usaha
dia bilang dia ga akan bohong (lagi)
tapi akan selalu (lagi-lagi)

lupa kombinasi lemari besi
biar lupa terus jadi ga bisa di buka
jika di buka bisa bahaya
bisa ada luka lagi

mengobati luka
ah...pergi ke Bar Lazy Daze
pesan dinosaurus burger
makan yang banyak,meludah sedikit
kepada mereka yang suka bohong

"Pesan capucino hangat,satu..."
duduk,menunggu hujan yang makin lebat saja
hujan es,bikin dingin semua
ada setan naik taxi,dia juga pembohong

Luka senang datang
lalu pergi lagi
seperti bohong yang selalu berotasi
berputar-putar di kebohongan yang sama

dia,aku harap mau pergi
"Pintu keluar sebelah sana..."

keluar,dan jangan balik lagi
cuma bikin repot

satu datang,semua datang
satu pergi,semua pergi
sial!

ada semut bawa apel
itu pasti bohong
semut kan suka gula...

lagi-lagi harus obati luka,
biarin aja dia pergi,nanti juga datang lagi
tapi,jangan harap bisa masuk
pintu sudah ku kunci
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

berani masuk,berarti mati
lebih baik jangan masuk,
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

obat dan racun memang berbeda,
obat baik,
racun buruk,
tapi...
terlalu banyak obat juga bisa jadi racun yang baik.

ah...masa lalu basi,selalu hinggap kapan dia mau
sial!

-

Ini salah satu tulisan Dio terfavorit saya sepanjang masa.
Lagi di kantor. Di luar hujan. Lagi ga temenan sama jas hujan.
Dari minggu lalu kepikiran mulai nulis yang bener lagi.
Trus buka-buka arsip di otak dan kepikiran era ini.
Waktu Dio masih sering nodong buat bacain tulisan dia.
Waktu itu saya penulis yang sedikit lebih tidak amatir dibanding hari ini.
Aaaaaaaaaa, Chita 2010. Kamu ke mana?
Pengen bisa nulis lagi :(

You talk nicely.
You dress casually.
You wear my favourite kind of shoes.
And you eat a lot. Even you refused to admit it so.

You complain about your weight.
I tell you that you look fine.
Then we talk a bit.
But you're always distracted by something else.

You drop me home.
And I wave you a goodbye.
You tell me that we shall meet again.
And we exchange a smile.

Sometimes you remember little things I say.
Of course I remember little things you say.
It's so nice having you in life.
It's always been.

My Dad died on April 25th 2000, that means it'll be 15th year this year.

God.

It has been so awfully long, hasn't it?

I'm gonna be 24 this year.
My sister will be 20 (Awww!).
And my little brother is 18 this May.
My Mum has happily remarried with a nice man (still not as nice as my Dad though, really) and gave us a half brother who is lovely and smart.

My Dad's death always haunts me for the past 15 years.
If I wasn't a traumatic kid, it made me becomes one.
It breaks and tears me down, into pieces.
And I keep running from the truth that my Dad has gone for 15 years now.

But for the first time in the last 15 years, this thought has come to me.
The thought of making peace with my nightmare.
The thought of finally letting him go.
The thought of not running from the truth about him.
The thought of enjoying my life without being so stuck with it.

It's been 15 years.
People said time will heal anything.
Anything.
I hope it's true and I hope this isn't an exception.

I don't want to forget him. Not ever.
I want to always miss him.
I want to love him more each day as if he's still alive.

But I need to find a way to do that without being trapped inside my fear.

Sometimes I wish I went to his funeral instead of crying in the attic while he was taken away.
I wish I watched them buried him to the ground, to his last shelter. And I hope the best shelter he's ever had.
Maybe if I did that, I wouldn't be as haunted as I am now.

I have so many thoughts in my mind but I haven't got time to sit down and type ony laptop.
I can do on my phone but my stupid perfectionist side told me "No! You should sit down and type. THAT is called blogging!"
So meh.

Put that aside.
I just want to write a few things that I feel lately.

I love my friends.
Like, real love.
Like, friends love.

I love the one that send me funny pictures or funny quizzes results or hot guy that she likes but I don't because we totally have different type.
I love the one that always teased me when I posted a pic of me wearinf lipstick. BUT I always wear lipstick when I go out with her! Pfft.
I love the one that has the same zodiac sign as me who is hopelessly romantic and stuck with the same guy for years - with no status. Damn you, girl!
I love the one that I rarely contact and live in another city but is always fun to meet and hang with.
I love the one whom I can fangirl with and make me comfortable around her because she is so kind and nice.
I love the one that only I meet when he's in the city and we usually go to see movies and eat and he has a really good taste on music.
I love the one I can randomly ask about IT stuffs, or just stuffs. The one that I've known for years but I've never met (So sorry!)
I love the one whom I met when I was 13 and has a beautiful name and a happy family but now work in a city far away and I miss her terribly.
I love the one who lives in another continent and travel to England every once in a few months (God, SO jealous!) and is my role model who made me very brave and dare to stand up for people I love.
I love the one whom I know online and is very shy and awkward and not talking much but when we do it makes me so happy.

And so on.
Sometimes you forget how much blessings you've received in a form of friendship.
So I'm glad now I remember it and want to spend a little time to write it down.

I love you, friends.
Thanks for being there for me.

Halo, this is Chita (Obviously).
Masih di kantor. Bukan lembur.
Tapi ngitungin budget buat Aji kuliah.
Ngitungin biaya hidup gue.
Ngitungin apa uangnya cukup buat gue ikutan kuliah juga haha.

Kadang gue sedih.
Kadang gue kesel.
Kadang gue bersyukur.

Sedih karena kenapa kok gue ga bisa hidup biasa aja?
Gue suka belajar. Gue suka baca.
Gue pengennya belajar tentang semua hal.
Tapi nyatanya gue mesti mengesampingkan keinginan gue buat belajar, karena gue mesti kerja.
Karena ga ada yg support gue kalau gue ga kerja.
Karena belajar terus menerus sounds like pointless, bagi mereka. 

Kesel ketika hidup dan rencana gue di masa depan dipertanyakan oleh orang-orang yang datang ke hidup gue cuma once in a while.
Bahkan kadang datang ke hidup gue ya cuma buat mempertanyakan hidup gue doang.
Katanya gue egois. Katanya gue ga mikirin nyokap dan adik-adik gue.
Kesel karena, "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE MY RESPONSIBILITY!"
Tapi kenapa gue yang mesti bertanggung  jawab?
Mereka ga mikir apa, gue waktu itu cuma anak umur 8 tahun yang tiba-tiba diposisikan sebagai harapan utama.
Hidup gue udah diatur.
Gue ga bisa kuliah lama-lama karena gue harus cepet kerja untuk bantu nyokap gue.
Setiap gue seneng-seneng sedikit dianggapnya berlebihan dan gue ga boleh kayak gitu.
Seakan-akan kalau gue seneng itu salah.
Seakan-akan kalau gue ga kelihatan berjuang dan bersusah payah itu salah.

Tapi gue juga bersyukur.
Gue dikasih tanggung jawab kayak gini karena gue mampu ngejalaninnya.
Karena gue sangat amat percaya kalau Tuhan ga menguji umat-Nya di luar batas kemampuan.
Walau gue juga kadang mempertanyakan, "Apa iyaaaaa gue mampu?" sambil nangis haha.
Ini juga sepertinya jadi ladang pahala buat gue, kalo gue ikhlas dan sabar. Makanya mesti ikhlas sama sabar. Jangan nangis mulu.
Dan gue yakiiiiiin banget, gue di masa depan nanti bakal berterima kasih sama diri gue yg sekarang kalau gue bisa melalui itu dengan sukses!
Yg terakhir sih bersyukur karena insya Allah gue bisa bikin mama seneng karena anak sulungnya bisa ngebantu adiknya.
Amin.

Tahun 2015 sejauh ini adalah tahun yang paling berat buat gue setelah tahun-tahun abis Papa meninggal.
Dari tgl 1 Januari aja gue udah nangis.
Kerjaannya curhaaaaat mulu sama temen-temen deket (yg baik2 banget mwah!).
Tapi beneran, I need supports from my friends more than ever now.
Buat nyemangatin, ngingetin, atau sekedar nemenin.
Dan gue beruntung banget tahun-tahun terakhir udah ketemu temen-temen yang insya Allah bisa bantu gue ngelewatin ini.

Oh dear, this long post seems to go nowhere.
Kalo ada yang baca ya maaf maaf aja.
Udah malem, masih di kantor, abis muter otak bikin perencanaan keuangan yang HARUS tercapai.
Jadinya beginilah.

A person said,
"Forget yesterday. It has already forgotten you.
Don't sweat tomorrow. You haven't even met.
Instead, open your eyes, and your heart to a truly precious gift: today."

It's some pretty words, really.
But I only agree with the last line.

Personally, I'm a person who believed that we are not supposed to forget the past and just live the present.
The past, no matter how hard it made you cry, how far it knocked you down, how long it gave you pain, was there to give you some lessons.
Don't let the bad times just passed you by.
Make it worth. Learn something. Never forget.
We always, always can learn from the past.
If we just let it go, when the problem comes again, we would start it from zero.
Because we don't remember the past.
That's why we're taught History for a few good years.

And why don't sweat tomorrow?
I like living in tomorrow. I even like living in next week.
I like planning. I like knowing what I would have in the future.
When people only know what they would do in an hour, you must know what you would do in 6 hours.
When people have plans for tomorrow, you should have ones for next week.
I know that some people like living like water and let the life flows.
But we are not water.
Maybe, if water has feet and brains, it wouldn't like to follow the stream.
Maybe it would run off its track and go elsewhere.
Don't you realize that, only dead fish that follows the stream?

Fathia Rezqy Utami (Hi.)
Yogyakarta, 29 August-02 Sept 2014
Cumberbitches
Bukber @Sunny Side Up (F, V, Lux)
Fathia & Nisa Graduated :)
Icha (Noya) got scholarship to the Netherlands! (!!!)
Erasmus Huis (Basis i-35 klaas)
Museum Ullen Sentalu
Half of My Heart song by John Mayer
Arctic Monkeys
Spotify
Doctor Who
12th Doctor
SQL 2014 (The Bowties)
Ravenclaw Quidditch Team <3
The Moon Song by Karen O
Lost Stars by Keira Knightley

2014 was a very good year for me. Because I avoid the word perfect.
Because I'm saving the word perfect for later.

If before 2014 I was busy planning and praying for things I wanted, in 2014, I got a lot of them.

I found an unicorn plushie, had Totoro plushie from F, bought a couple tshirts I love, learnt Dutch (!),read quite many history books, had a even better relationship with my mum, went to holidays in Jogja (and basically had mine and Nisa's dream from 3 years ago came true) spent the best 5 days in my life together with the people I love, restoring my lost friendship with Nisa, strengthen my friendships with other people, saw Nisa and F graduated,  and generally just being Chita that I wanted my self to.

It's not all pretty, of course.
We lost F's mom on November.
I closed my whole book of 5 years with someone.
I cried a lot during October-November more than the rest of the year.

I still not believe that we need to run through rain to see rainbows, you know.
But I believe that we go through hard things in order to make us wiser and a better person. So when we see the good things, we can't just enjoy the whole of it. We can also save it some for later, and learn from it.

Anyway, 2015 is going to be... different than any years I've had.
This year I'm going to put my self behind.
Because apparently, life is not all about yourself.
I dont know what life is all about though. So let's see.