My Dad died on April 25th 2000, that means it'll be 15th year this year.

God.

It has been so awfully long, hasn't it?

I'm gonna be 24 this year.
My sister will be 20 (Awww!).
And my little brother is 18 this May.
My Mum has happily remarried with a nice man (still not as nice as my Dad though, really) and gave us a half brother who is lovely and smart.

My Dad's death always haunts me for the past 15 years.
If I wasn't a traumatic kid, it made me becomes one.
It breaks and tears me down, into pieces.
And I keep running from the truth that my Dad has gone for 15 years now.

But for the first time in the last 15 years, this thought has come to me.
The thought of making peace with my nightmare.
The thought of finally letting him go.
The thought of not running from the truth about him.
The thought of enjoying my life without being so stuck with it.

It's been 15 years.
People said time will heal anything.
Anything.
I hope it's true and I hope this isn't an exception.

I don't want to forget him. Not ever.
I want to always miss him.
I want to love him more each day as if he's still alive.

But I need to find a way to do that without being trapped inside my fear.

Sometimes I wish I went to his funeral instead of crying in the attic while he was taken away.
I wish I watched them buried him to the ground, to his last shelter. And I hope the best shelter he's ever had.
Maybe if I did that, I wouldn't be as haunted as I am now.

I have so many thoughts in my mind but I haven't got time to sit down and type ony laptop.
I can do on my phone but my stupid perfectionist side told me "No! You should sit down and type. THAT is called blogging!"
So meh.

Put that aside.
I just want to write a few things that I feel lately.

I love my friends.
Like, real love.
Like, friends love.

I love the one that send me funny pictures or funny quizzes results or hot guy that she likes but I don't because we totally have different type.
I love the one that always teased me when I posted a pic of me wearinf lipstick. BUT I always wear lipstick when I go out with her! Pfft.
I love the one that has the same zodiac sign as me who is hopelessly romantic and stuck with the same guy for years - with no status. Damn you, girl!
I love the one that I rarely contact and live in another city but is always fun to meet and hang with.
I love the one whom I can fangirl with and make me comfortable around her because she is so kind and nice.
I love the one that only I meet when he's in the city and we usually go to see movies and eat and he has a really good taste on music.
I love the one I can randomly ask about IT stuffs, or just stuffs. The one that I've known for years but I've never met (So sorry!)
I love the one whom I met when I was 13 and has a beautiful name and a happy family but now work in a city far away and I miss her terribly.
I love the one who lives in another continent and travel to England every once in a few months (God, SO jealous!) and is my role model who made me very brave and dare to stand up for people I love.
I love the one whom I know online and is very shy and awkward and not talking much but when we do it makes me so happy.

And so on.
Sometimes you forget how much blessings you've received in a form of friendship.
So I'm glad now I remember it and want to spend a little time to write it down.

I love you, friends.
Thanks for being there for me.

Halo, this is Chita (Obviously).
Masih di kantor. Bukan lembur.
Tapi ngitungin budget buat Aji kuliah.
Ngitungin biaya hidup gue.
Ngitungin apa uangnya cukup buat gue ikutan kuliah juga haha.

Kadang gue sedih.
Kadang gue kesel.
Kadang gue bersyukur.

Sedih karena kenapa kok gue ga bisa hidup biasa aja?
Gue suka belajar. Gue suka baca.
Gue pengennya belajar tentang semua hal.
Tapi nyatanya gue mesti mengesampingkan keinginan gue buat belajar, karena gue mesti kerja.
Karena ga ada yg support gue kalau gue ga kerja.
Karena belajar terus menerus sounds like pointless, bagi mereka. 

Kesel ketika hidup dan rencana gue di masa depan dipertanyakan oleh orang-orang yang datang ke hidup gue cuma once in a while.
Bahkan kadang datang ke hidup gue ya cuma buat mempertanyakan hidup gue doang.
Katanya gue egois. Katanya gue ga mikirin nyokap dan adik-adik gue.
Kesel karena, "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE MY RESPONSIBILITY!"
Tapi kenapa gue yang mesti bertanggung  jawab?
Mereka ga mikir apa, gue waktu itu cuma anak umur 8 tahun yang tiba-tiba diposisikan sebagai harapan utama.
Hidup gue udah diatur.
Gue ga bisa kuliah lama-lama karena gue harus cepet kerja untuk bantu nyokap gue.
Setiap gue seneng-seneng sedikit dianggapnya berlebihan dan gue ga boleh kayak gitu.
Seakan-akan kalau gue seneng itu salah.
Seakan-akan kalau gue ga kelihatan berjuang dan bersusah payah itu salah.

Tapi gue juga bersyukur.
Gue dikasih tanggung jawab kayak gini karena gue mampu ngejalaninnya.
Karena gue sangat amat percaya kalau Tuhan ga menguji umat-Nya di luar batas kemampuan.
Walau gue juga kadang mempertanyakan, "Apa iyaaaaa gue mampu?" sambil nangis haha.
Ini juga sepertinya jadi ladang pahala buat gue, kalo gue ikhlas dan sabar. Makanya mesti ikhlas sama sabar. Jangan nangis mulu.
Dan gue yakiiiiiin banget, gue di masa depan nanti bakal berterima kasih sama diri gue yg sekarang kalau gue bisa melalui itu dengan sukses!
Yg terakhir sih bersyukur karena insya Allah gue bisa bikin mama seneng karena anak sulungnya bisa ngebantu adiknya.
Amin.

Tahun 2015 sejauh ini adalah tahun yang paling berat buat gue setelah tahun-tahun abis Papa meninggal.
Dari tgl 1 Januari aja gue udah nangis.
Kerjaannya curhaaaaat mulu sama temen-temen deket (yg baik2 banget mwah!).
Tapi beneran, I need supports from my friends more than ever now.
Buat nyemangatin, ngingetin, atau sekedar nemenin.
Dan gue beruntung banget tahun-tahun terakhir udah ketemu temen-temen yang insya Allah bisa bantu gue ngelewatin ini.

Oh dear, this long post seems to go nowhere.
Kalo ada yang baca ya maaf maaf aja.
Udah malem, masih di kantor, abis muter otak bikin perencanaan keuangan yang HARUS tercapai.
Jadinya beginilah.

A person said,
"Forget yesterday. It has already forgotten you.
Don't sweat tomorrow. You haven't even met.
Instead, open your eyes, and your heart to a truly precious gift: today."

It's some pretty words, really.
But I only agree with the last line.

Personally, I'm a person who believed that we are not supposed to forget the past and just live the present.
The past, no matter how hard it made you cry, how far it knocked you down, how long it gave you pain, was there to give you some lessons.
Don't let the bad times just passed you by.
Make it worth. Learn something. Never forget.
We always, always can learn from the past.
If we just let it go, when the problem comes again, we would start it from zero.
Because we don't remember the past.
That's why we're taught History for a few good years.

And why don't sweat tomorrow?
I like living in tomorrow. I even like living in next week.
I like planning. I like knowing what I would have in the future.
When people only know what they would do in an hour, you must know what you would do in 6 hours.
When people have plans for tomorrow, you should have ones for next week.
I know that some people like living like water and let the life flows.
But we are not water.
Maybe, if water has feet and brains, it wouldn't like to follow the stream.
Maybe it would run off its track and go elsewhere.
Don't you realize that, only dead fish that follows the stream?

Fathia Rezqy Utami (Hi.)
Yogyakarta, 29 August-02 Sept 2014
Cumberbitches
Bukber @Sunny Side Up (F, V, Lux)
Fathia & Nisa Graduated :)
Icha (Noya) got scholarship to the Netherlands! (!!!)
Erasmus Huis (Basis i-35 klaas)
Museum Ullen Sentalu
Half of My Heart song by John Mayer
Arctic Monkeys
Spotify
Doctor Who
12th Doctor
SQL 2014 (The Bowties)
Ravenclaw Quidditch Team <3
The Moon Song by Karen O
Lost Stars by Keira Knightley

2014 was a very good year for me. Because I avoid the word perfect.
Because I'm saving the word perfect for later.

If before 2014 I was busy planning and praying for things I wanted, in 2014, I got a lot of them.

I found an unicorn plushie, had Totoro plushie from F, bought a couple tshirts I love, learnt Dutch (!),read quite many history books, had a even better relationship with my mum, went to holidays in Jogja (and basically had mine and Nisa's dream from 3 years ago came true) spent the best 5 days in my life together with the people I love, restoring my lost friendship with Nisa, strengthen my friendships with other people, saw Nisa and F graduated,  and generally just being Chita that I wanted my self to.

It's not all pretty, of course.
We lost F's mom on November.
I closed my whole book of 5 years with someone.
I cried a lot during October-November more than the rest of the year.

I still not believe that we need to run through rain to see rainbows, you know.
But I believe that we go through hard things in order to make us wiser and a better person. So when we see the good things, we can't just enjoy the whole of it. We can also save it some for later, and learn from it.

Anyway, 2015 is going to be... different than any years I've had.
This year I'm going to put my self behind.
Because apparently, life is not all about yourself.
I dont know what life is all about though. So let's see.

Ada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berziarah ke Mekah
Ada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berjudi di Miraza

Tapi aku ingin habiskan waktuku di sisimu, sayangku
Bicara tentang anjing-anjing kita yang nakal dan lucu
Atau tentang bunga-bunga yang manis di lembah mendala wangi

Ada serdadu-serdadu Amerika yang mati kena bom di Danang
Ada bayi-bayi yang mati lapar di Biafra

Tapi aku ingin mati di sisimu, manisku
Setelah kita bosan hidup dan terus bertanya-tanya
Tentang tujuan hidup yang tak satu setan pun tahu

Mari, sini sayangku
Kalian yang pernah mesra, yang pernah baik dan simpati padaku
Tegakklah ke langit luas atau awan yang mendung
Kita tak pernah menanamkan apa-apa, kita takkan pernah kehilangan apa-apa

Catatan Seorang Demonstran, Selasa, 11 November 1969