I've come to notice about this particular thing, lately.
About how ladies are being defined by their men.
Like, my friend told me she couldn't weigh any more because her boyfriend would dislike her. Or her skin should stay glowing. Or she couldn't cut her hair because he likes it long. Or she couldn't act crazy like she was around her friends at home with her husband. Some things like that.

Those things scare me.
Those things make me think that relationships are scary things. Especially when you're defined by other persons or you can't be you around someone that, ironically, you choose to spend the rest of your life together with.

Maybe it's only because I spend my whole life define my own self and not let anyone tells me who I am.
Maybe because I feel that I can do whatever I want to do as long as it's not a bad thing and I enjoy it.

I don't know which is right or wrong.
Maybe neither is.
But I feel like it'd be so sad if you need to stay skinny or looked good or 24/7 well-behaved because someone else wants you to.
Someone else who is supposed to accept you as you are. Whoever you are.

When I am with someone, I want him to let me by my own true self around him. I want him to be my most trusted person, my best buddy, someone I can talk to about everything - not just anything.
Because I'm willing to spend the rest of my life committed to him, only to him. And I don't want to be not less than comfortable with him.

I hope he won't scold me when I look chubbier. Or get my skin tanner.
I hope he won't disagree when I act childish. Or want to watch cartoons on weekends.
I hope he won't mad when I want to stay on bed longer and feel a bit lazy even though the weather is nice outside.
I hope he won't question me when there are weird places I want to visit with him.
I hope he will support me whoever I am and will be.
Because that's what I plan to do with him.

So yeah, it's a long journey, indeed, to find someone like that.
But I believe that God is kind enough to give me someone that I want, not just what I need.

Waktu 19 September kemarin ada acara keluarga. Dan setiap anak diminta buat cerita tentang dirinya dan hidupnya di depan bude, om-om, tante-tante, dan sepupu-sepupunya yang lain pake mic.
Pertama kali nih.

Awalnya gue bingung gatau mau cerita apa, tapi terus gue cerita tentang perubahan yg terjadi di hidup gue sejak awal tahun. Ini bukan kutipan dari apa yg gue omongin waktu itu sih, cuma omongan waktu itu menginspirasi gue buat nulis blog ini hehe.

Gue inget pas tahun baru gue nangis lama dan ga bisa berhenti. Karena pressure yg gue alamin waktu itu sebagai anak yg paling tua dan bertanggung jawab atas mama dan adik-adiknya.
I felt depressed. Bahkan kepikiran buat ke psikiater segala.

Dan di bulan Maret, gue pindah ngekos.
Gue inget bilang ke Noya, gue pengen ga ansos lagi. Dengan gue ngekos, gue berharap gue bakal berinteraksi dengan temen-temen seumuran yang bisa bikin gue less gloomy dan less introvert.

Alhamdulillah, it works.

Chita yang dulu merasa ga nyaman kalo ada acara keluarga. Ngerasa sendirian, karena yg lain ada orang tuanya, sedangkan gue nggak ada. Nggak ada orang tua bikin kehilangan identitas, khususnya kalo acara keluarga besar (banget), ga ada yg inget lo. Mostly dikenal karena orang tuanya mengenalkan, "Ini anak yg sulung, yg bungsu, dsb".
Tapi Chita yg sekarang, bodo amat. Mau kenal ga kenal, salim aja. Kalo bisa nanti nanya ke yang lain, itu namanya bude atau pakde siapa. Toh ada juga yg nanya, "Ini anaknya siapa?"
"Mas Dadang, bude"
"Oalaaah, ya bude inget banget kalo papamu"
Yay!

Chita yang dulu kebanyakan di kamar. Laptop - hand phone - buku - jurnal.
Tapi sejak liat Luksie yang rajin ngeluangin waktu ke LPK, gue jadi pengen juga (bukan ke LPK, gue ga bakat ngajar, ampun!). Jadi gue nyari organisasi yg butuh volunteer dan nemu YOAI. Sekarang hampir rutin tiap weekend ke RSCM buat ngejenguk dan ngehibur adik-adik yang sakit.

Chita yang dulu kalo ada di kumpulan orang banyak suka diem karena gatau mau ngomong apa.
Sekarang? Masih juga. Cuma sekarang lebih berani buat sok-sok akrab nanya-nanya atau ketawa-ketawa. Dulu masih mikir malu atau sungkan, sekarang sih yang penting sopan.

Chita yang dulu bentar-bentar marah, tapi kalo marah ga sebentar haha.
Sekarang, lima kali sehari minta ke Allah supaya Chita jadi orang yg pemaaf. Sambil pelan-pelan belajar ga gampang marah. Sekarang sih masih suka kesel, tapi kalo kesel cuma bentar. Life goes on. People make mistakes, so do I.

Chita yang sekarang masih Chita yang takut ngambil keputusan. Tapi Chita yang sekarang udah tau kuncinya.
Supaya, insya Allah, keputusan yang diambil selalu berbuah baik, kuncinya itu shalat istikharah.
Gara-gara baca twitnya Fedi Nuril yang bilang kalau dia shalat istikharah dua kali sehari, abis shalat Dzuhur dan sebelum tidur malam.

Chita yang sekarang masih sama kayak Chita yang dulu.
Yang maunya banyak.
Yang selalu merasa kehabisan waktu.
Yang pengen jadi manusia yang lebih baik.
Tapi Chita yang sekarang, insya Allah, lebih tau gimana caranya dan mau berusaha buat ngelakuinnya. Bukan cuma kepengen doang hehe.

I have this thing that when someone told me I'm not capable to do something, it makes me want to do it.
As someone who is a littlw perfectionist, I dislike being told about what I'm not capable of.
I can't remember exactly when I started being like this. The first event that I remember is when I was in Math class, last year of high school.
We had same teacher as when we did the year before. I never liked Math, never paid attention or did any works.
But it was our last year in high school and our grades were (kind of) determining whether we're going to graduate or not. And maybe the teacher was even more anxious than the students so he started teaching more seriously.
One day, he told me to solve a problem on the whiteboard. I told him I can't, because I don't understand.
(Yeah, I've always been that frontal >_>)
He raised his eyebrows (he's not the type that yell and mad and do all scary teachers do, btw) and smirked, "This is very easy and you can't solve it? Tsk tsk. Go sit then."
I felt bad. Either it was because I felt belittled, or guilty, or ashamed of my self.
But I replied to him, "Fine, I'll solve this. Give me 5 minutes!"
Then I went to my smartest friend in class and learned from her.
The result? I did it correctly and since then, I did every single homework, solved most of given problems, did all exams by myself, and got 9.75 in the final exam (even higher score than my English score!).

The most recent is when I told my mom I'm going to pay for my brother's college tuition. And she (and my stepfather) told me to not to. Because they thought I'm not able to keep that kind of commitment. They're afraid I'm going to fail in midways and will leave my brother helpless.
My reaction was "No. I'm going to pay. I don't care if you think I can't, but I'm going to and I will commit until he graduates."

It's a shame that people need to belittle me to make me stand taller and do better, really haha. Maybe all I need is a little motivation and the satisfaction feeling of proofing people's bad thoughts about me are wrong.
The problem is, I don't always meet people telling me like that. So while that kind of people isn't around, I need to find a better motivation to keep on going.