Everybody has a personality.
Some of them are blessed with two.
I'm a young woman; I'm secretive, moody, over expecting, underestimate, overestimate, impatient, talk a lot, sensitive, and naive.
But I grow the other part of me, the manly-er side of me.
It makes me logical, cold, solitaire, playful, ignorant, silly, trustful, and open-minded.
In one side, I love black and white.
I think there's only two things in this world, it's either black or white.
Grey is nonsense. Grey is fake. Grey is confusing. Grey can't be trusted. Grey is unreliable.
But the other side of me says that everything in this world is grey.
There's no good and bad. There's no you and me. There's no love and hate. There's no yes or no.
Everything is inbetween. Everything is uncertainty. Everything is relative.
I love good result. Who doesn't?
And my ego doesn't care about the process as long as it has good result.
But my other side says process is more important than the result.
No matter how good the result is, if you don't earn it right, you don't have it.
In one side, I'm a person who has big ego, who can't live without privacy, who enjoy travels alone, who doesn't give a damn about what other people think, who never trust anyone, who builds tall blue wall around me and let no one come in.
But in the fact is I'm a fragile, broken, care, sensitive, lonely person who trust people from the very first second we meet, until they screw up, someday later, and I would be down in a cold Arctic hole.
There are always, always two sides of me.
I don't know if later I would just have one.
If one day I could pick the best one and be the best of me. Well I hope I could.
Some people probably think I have extreme mood swing.
I beg to differ.
I call this a disorder personality.
Your attitude reflects how I act towards you.

My mum is a person with AB blood type.
(If you don't know anything about blood type personality, I suggest you google it. It's fun!)
And for those who have read about blood type personality, you know what AB people are like.
They're easy-going, free-minded, quirky, and fun.
My mum is only 20 years older than me.
So having a woman who is 20 years older and with AB blood type as a mother, is unlike the other lol.
It's not a bad thing. It's a FUN thing, really.
I'm happy and grateful having her.
It's just, my blood type is A and I'm a Virgo. Double dead-serious.
So mostly I'm taking over being the most mature, logical, and annoying over-protective person in family.
I remember when I was a kid, probably (almost) nine.
I went to a shop with my little sister and a kid rudely called us "Orphans" because I just lost a father.
My sister cried, I think. And I told my mum when I was home.
She told me that I should stand up for ourselves and told that rude kid to piss off.
She said that I'm the eldest and I should be the protector of the family even though I'm a girl.
My father always taught me to be a strong, independent, and forbade me to cry when I was little, so being that "protector of the family" is not a big deal.
It's just, I didn't realize it before. No 9 years old realized that, I think.
And until now, my mum always asks me if she wants to ask my siblings something.
Like, can you tell Rinda or Aji to be like this or that, could they do this or that. And stuffs like that.
And most of the time they don't know that it was our mum who asked me to tell them that.
They only know that I asked them to do that.
Besides, my mum told them to obey me, because if she wasn't there, I was in charge as her substitute.
Not all of what I was asking was a pleasant thing to do.
I'm pretty sure they dislike me at some point.
So I become the bad one, sometimes. Or most of times.
Because I like to order them to do things. Whilst our mum does not.
I don't mind. I don't mind being the bad one, because in fact, I'm not.
I think I just inherit my dad's thing to be feared even when we do nothing.
I don't mind.
Someday they'll know.
Or even they won't, it doesn't matter.
As long as they live to the fullest, blessed, and of course, happily.

It's her father.
The first arms to hold her.
The first lips to kiss her.
The first hand to touch her.
The first feet to run with them.
I believe every father is special for every daughter in their own way.
He's so special that probably half of girls hope to find a man like their fathers to be a father for their children.
My father, was very special.
He's a brave, strong, tough, lovely, caring, kind, warm man.
He built me swings to play with.
He taught me to ride a bicycle.
He ran after a dog which chased after me and made me cry.
He celebrate every single birthday I've had in my first 8 years.
My father was my everything.
I think it's highly unlikely for me to love another man bigger than how I love my father.

Unluckily, God loves him much much much more than I do.
My father left me when I was 8, precisely in 25 April 2000.
Do you know how it felt to be left by a father while he was the center of your world?
It's painful.
I was 8, but I still can feel the pain until now.
It's like, holding to a single strong rope and know that it won't break but then you loses grip suddenly.

I was broken hearted.
The most hurtful I've ever been in my life.
Probably that's why I don't cry much when I was sad now.
Nothing as hurtful, or nothing nearly as hurtful as losing your father when you were in love with him.

At that time, I was mad at God.
I was mad because I was sure I loved and took a great care of my dad.
More than any kid.
And there were children who don't treat or love their fathers as much as I love my dad.
So why God took my dad instead?
I remember I skipped several weeks at school.
I remember I still waited for him to pick me up after school.
I remember I woke up crying because I just miss my dad and I want him to come back.

But he won't.
He won't come back.
And I must accept it.
Sometimes I wish he was still alive somewhere.
Sometimes I wish a man would appear in front of me and he was my father.
But it won't happen. I know it won't.

For the last (nearly) 14 years, I believe I only had dream about him for 2 or 3 times.
Sometimes I feel sad because I want to see his face, hug, talk, or touch him even it's only in a dream.
But people say that when we don't dream about the dead people, it means that they happy in there.
I hope it's true.
I hope he's happy in where he is now.
I hope it means I'm being a good enough girl that he's not worry about me.

But that doesn't mean I will stop remembering him.
I won't.
I will always spend a little time like this to write about him.
I will always have my tears run down because of talking about him.
I will always stay awake sometimes because I miss him too much I can't go to sleep.
I will always remember his birthday, and his deathday. Now that sounds scary.
I will not be able to move on from the 8-years old me who just lost his dad at 5 am in the morning.
That will always be a part of me.

I want to start posting songs I like and it starts with this newest song I like. 
I first knew Katy B when Arctic Monkeys covered one of her song. 
But I didn't listen to her much back then. 
Until early this year I downloaded her single of her new upcoming album (at that time when the album hasn't released yet) and I got hooked up. 
Her genre is electronic, dancey type which not in top of my favourite genre. 
But this song is very good and I love the lyrics. 
It makes me sad when I listened to it and it means good lol. 
(And for some reason YouTube didn't let me to link the video to here. But you can watch the music video by clicking here)

I know that some people realized that I'm not a fan at all of smokers.
When I was in high school and some of my friends smoked, they told me they smoked because their mouths feel sour and cigarettes made it better. So I brought along candies and told them, if they wanted to they could ask me for candies and they didn't need to smoke.
They kept smoking, of course. But they also asked for candies sometimes which made me happy.
Then I started college, when in my group of friends of 7 people, only me and the other girl who didn't smoke. We're all women, and most of us were smoking.
But they brought candies by themselves so I didn't.
After I left college and started working, I started bringing along candies again so my coworkers don't always need to smoke.
Most of times when they asked for candies to me, I know it was only to make me feel better lol. But I really appreciated it.
And I'm not anti-smokers.
Smokers are human. Are people.
What do you expect of them? Not much.
My father was a smoker as well and I never loved another male human being as much as I loved him.
My grandfather started smoking when he was in early teenager, and he died (mostly) because of it. Only one of his lungs worked until he passed away on 2005.
And I don't hate my college friends, nor my smoker coworkers.
But I strongly dislike cigarettes.
The smoke, the ashes, the illness that come after.
I had asthma until I was 11.
My grandmother had it too for the rest of her life.
It was (mostly) because we inhaled too much cigarettes' smoke.
I also remember playing with its smoke with my father when I was little.

I just can't help but wondering, why such smartasses people, with modern technology they have in hands, with so much education they have in heads, decide to smoke, burn their lungs just for a fun sake?
And also in my opinion, this is just my opinion, smokers who smoke around their loved ones are totally selfish retarded bastards, because they slowly kill people they so-called love.
So here, I don't care if you smoke. I don't care whose money do you burn.
But I do care about the innocent ones who is living around you, who doesn't smoke, but they get sick, or they will get sick, because of you being selfish by smoking around them.

Okay.
Get it right now.
I don't hate smokers.
I just hate their choice to smoke.
Period.

"When I say it doesn't hurt me, that means I can bear it.
Nevertheless, I still feel the pain."
-Killua