2022 was my hardest year since 2000. 

I had to finish my thesis while working full time. 

We lost ibu, so suddenly. And just right when I was the closest with her. 

I believe I've never cried that much before. 

But in 2023, it feels like God is trying to cheer me up. 

All my favorite artists came to Indonesia: Arctic Monkeys, Agust D, Tomorrow x Together, and Jacob Collier. 

Arctic Monkeys is my most-listened to artist of all time. I honestly cried a little when they played their first song. I still had goosebumps and remember my feelings back then. We got the tickets we wanted by ourselves too. It was really a God's blessing, really. 

Agust D or Suga or Min Yoongi is my first and only bias in the whole k-pop world. First-everything is special to me so I'm really glad he was my first k-pop concert. My first k-pop concert is my first bias. We got the tickets ourselves too even though it wasn't really what we wanted. But we managed to bump it up for better ones, fortunately. Even though IME sucked and Yoongi was terribly sick, he still delivered a great performance and I truly, really enjoyed it. I sang hard, jumped hard, and fangirled hard. 

I'm relieved TXT boys came back after I didn't manage to secure a ticket for their first concert end of last year. This time, I managed to get an underpriced ticket too! TXT concert feels more k-pop-y for me than Yoongi's. And I feel more at ease because it feels like I'm a guest in another fandom's event. While for Yoongi's, it felt like I was the host (because I'm an ARMY lol hope that makes sense). The concert was very beautiful and like a fairy tale. The boys are really handsome! I remember screaming "Holy shit Soobin is so handsome!!!" every 10 minutes. 

And last but not lease, Jacob Collier, who gave me the most beautiful concert I've ever attended. It was intimate, personal, lovely, and (like I said before) beautiful. Being there reminded me again how much I love jazz and belong to jazz audience. Everything was so chill, no long queue, air-conditioned room in seating layout. 

Apart from the concerts, I also managed to fulfill my long-time wish: reading 100 books in a year. 

Thanks to Kindle, Libby, and long-hours commuting whenever I work from the office. Reading while commuting makes commuting much more bearable. 

One time, when I read, there are two guys (who are much younger than me) who talk about what I was reading. They're apparently practicing speaking English, it was cute. Thankfully I didn't read an embarassing book lol so they could freely discuss about it. I stil think about them and honestly kinda regret that I didn't respond to them. But in my defense, I had no energy to talk to strangers that day. 

This year, we got additional family members (not by choice), Bora the cat. We had Sasa too, who came in March but she disappeared a few months ago. I cried for her for weeks after that. I regret so much why I let her out that day. Hope she's healthy, happy, and taken care of, wherever she is now. If there's a chance she could come back, I would very much welcome her back. 

And Bora, he's such a spoiled little brat. He's loud, loves cuddling and eating. Even though Black and Swimi don't really get along with him, he doesn't care. He loves everyone. I'm proud of his character because I raise him well. 

I also very thankful for friends who are still in touch with me despite me living kinda far away now. 

Them who came to Bogor to hang our with me. 

Them who remember me when they plan to come to Bogor. 

Them who invited me to hang out with them. 

Them who agreeing with my random plans in visiting new places.

Them who are keeping in touch through comments, DMs, and memes. 

I adore and thank each of you all. 

What should I plan for 2024? 

I have a few resolutions I won't list here. 

But I want to do old hobbies and find new ones. 

I want to enjoy life more and appreciate everything that I have in life. 

I want to make memories, and preserve it.

So one day, I can look back and realize that I've lived my life well.

2022 was hard, but I thank 2023 for healing me. 

It's a long journey, still. But 2023 shows me that life is capable to give me happiness. 

2023 shows me that light can be found in the darkest place, even though I wasn't looking for it. 

That's, again, how kind God is to me. 

Thank you, 2023. You will be missed.  

This year, I managed to fulfill my long-time wish to read 100 books in one year.

Thanks to Kindle, Libby, and almost 6-hour commuting time to work 3-days a week, I got to do it easily and without spending a lot of money. 

Even though the challenge can be seen as a quite ambitious one, or maybe, quantity over quality. I actually can feel the benefits by reading that many books this year. 

First, I truly realized that the more you know, the more you don't know. 

In regards to (always) on-going conflict and attempt on ethnic cleansing by Israel on Palestine, at first I didn't plan to read any book about it. I was afraid that the book I read would mislead me or written biasly by Israel or pro-Zionist people. But after reading Barack Obama's memoir, A Promised Land (which has nothing to do with Israel's promised land, by the way), I got more curious more on USA-Israel's relationship. Which leaded me to read Noam Chomsky and Ilan Pappé's books: Gaza in Crisis and On Palestine. And that's not the end of my curiousity, because I plan to dig deeper on the issue by reading more books about it.

Second, non-fictions are great to find knowledges, whether it's social or scientific, but fictions makes me questioning things in life more. So the next time people thinking I waste my time by reading novels, or people who think that they are better by reading more non-fictions... no. 

Third, I finally have enough options to create lists like, "Most favorite books", "Recommended books", "The books that linger with me", and "Books I will not re-read". And even then, I still think that I didn't have enough options from 100 books that I read this year. 

Fourth, due to many books in my to-read list, I also find books that, turn out, I don't want to read after I read around 10% of it. And that's okay. I don't need to read every book, despite the book being the most popular book of the year. Read what I can enjoy, what beneficial to me, what connect to myself. 

Fifth, it's fun to see the list of books that people recommended and find that I have read a few of them. Or when my friends just finished reading books that I have read so we can talk about it. 

And perhaps there are more...

The next question would be, will I read another 100 books in 2024? 

I'm not sure. 

While reading 100 books was fun and I genuinely enjoyed it, there are parts of me who wondering if I could do another fun things if I didn't read. Maybe watch more movies and tv series, catch up more BTS videos, play games, journaling, or other activities I haven't thought of. 

So for next year, I won't set a solid number for me to achieve. Let's see!

I'll turn 30 next month. 

Contrary to popular opinion, I feel fine turning 30. 

I feel ready turning 30. 

I'm now in a state where I am content with my self. 

I know which one is good for me. 

I no longer mind what other people's say or think, for a long time now. 

I accept my life and my self, yet still will do the best every day. 

I understand that I don't need everyone to be there for me because I can still conquer the day. 

I don't live my life with big plans. 

I don't want to travel the world, or climb the highest mountain. 

Although I do want to watch lots and lots concerts. 

And read many books.

I see my life as little things that makes one thing. 

And I want to look at those little things. 

I want to enjoy those little things. 

And be content with those little things. 

I'm happy turning 30 in my state right now. 

And truly, can't be wishing for any more than this. 

For me, 2020 is definitely not the best year, but it’s still far from the worst year.

This year I had so much time reflecting, thinking, and making time for my self. 
I learned more that I’ve ever done before.

Until 3 years ago, I was trying to be comfortable with myself. 

Making me my own best friend. And it feels like the hard work then had paid off.

Now, I feel comfortable spending days, weeks, and months alone in my room. 

Trying to entertain and educate my self. 
Making the best team work consisting of me, my self, and I, trying to cope up as we spend day by day together.

What do we want to eat? Can we cook it? It doesn’t meet our expectations? Okay, we can try again one day.
What type of exercise do we want to do today? Are we too tired to go out to bike? Fine, let’s do yoga instead.
What do we want to do to relax today? Books? Anime? BTS videos? Or should we just sleep it off? 
What time do we want to work on those papers and essays? This weekend? We’ll need to work twice harder then but if it’s okay for us then let’s do it this weekend.
Are we stressed? Do we want to take days off work? Do we need long walk outside? Does talking to a friend help? Let’s sit down first and think.

And hundreds of me trying to understand and compromise with my self.

I’ve been doing researches and experiments on my own body to understand how it works, what do I need to do to get a specific result I want, how to get the best from my self... 

I’m never easy on my self. Since ever.
But I’ve learned how to compromise.
I found that compromising with myself is a way for me to be happy.

I no longer want to torture myself by waking up early even though I sleep late.
But I have to set up limit up to where I can slack off, so it doesn’t actually ruin the pattern.

Life is (perhaps) long and like a marathon. 

I don’t want to have the rest of my life hating my own self for being so hard on me.
Sometimes we need to work hard.
Sometimes we need to rest, pat ourselves in the back, and say “Good job, Chita!”

2020 is a time when I can finally enjoy the hard work I did, learning to be comfortable with my self and appreciate little things in life. 

When my life is now confiscated into a mere bedroom without laughing with friends, trips to museums and art galleries, watching live concerts, traveling to see families, and eating good food, I learn what is actually priorities in my life. 

What is and is not I really need to live and to be happy. 

Of course I would still go to concerts and traveling once it's all over, but now I know those things don't really define my happiness. 

I know now that I am content with my self and whatever I have in my bedroom. 

2020, you are an unforgettable and meaningful year I would not want to experience ever again. 

But still I thank you for all the lessons you've brought. 

Goodbye! 

Life is all about choosing. 

Sometimes the question is as simple as "Turn right or left?", but the false decision can make us stuck in a traffic for 10 minutes or longer. 

While in most questions in life there is no true or false decision, our answers still determine where, who, and how is ourselves in the future. 

Choosing to wake up early and go exercising every day, will make us have a fit body. 
Choosing to eat healthy meals over junk food, will lower our risk from getting ill. 
Choosing to not smoke, will let us have a healthier lungs until we are in old age. 

I'm trying to choose consciously every day too. 

When I'm bored and have an urge to grab my phone to scroll on social media or play games, I have a choice to pick up a book and read instead. 

Sometimes I choose the latter, but most of the time I still open my social media. Often for nothing because I just checked it 10 minutes ago. 

When I'm too lazy to cook, I have an urge to just order from online app. 

But when I think again, I already have things I need to eat for today and only take 30 minutes to prepare. Do I really want to choose lazy for today?

Because of the choices I made, I missed many things. 

I don't know many Instagram influencers or any new celebrities on trending. 

I can't discuss new TV series that my friends watched. 

I don't know many recommended restaurants in town. 

Most of the times, I feel like missing out. 

But it's choices I didn't take. 

From missing out many recommended restaurants, I got to save some money to pay my school and to buy stuffs I really like (e.g. books!). 

From missing out what's trending on social media, I got to read many books and probably knowing things my friends don't. 

Because it's life and I can't be greedy and have everything at once. 

I need to know what matters to me the most and choose it. 

Even though sometimes it means missing out the fun stuffs. 

But it's okay. 

As long as you choose carefully. 

As what you choose now can determine the future you. 

Birthdays are not about the person who were born on that day. 
But rather about the people who are around her. 

People who helped her to become a person she is today. 
People who pulled her back, and even those who pushed her down. 

It is not a day to celebrate her. 
But rather, to celebrate people around her. 

To thank them, as they knew her first and chose to stay. 
To be a chapter of her short tale. 

Because when she was born, it's not her who was given a life. 
But it was the people around her who were given another person in their days. 

And like birthdays, deaths are also not about the person who die. 
When she dies, it's not her who lost her life. 
But rather her family and friends who lost a loved one. 

So, 
Her life is not about her. 

It's about you. 
It's about them. 

May she was loved. 
May she will be missed. 

Sad is an understatement 

I'm broken-hearted

Having your support means everything to me 
For the last 31 months 
I hope I didn't take it for granted 

I'm not sure how 
But I hope we stay in touch 

I don't know how 
But I hope we will meet again

One day

Thank you

For believing in me
For always thinking that I was better 
For trusting me
More than I never did to myself

You are a star
Keep shining bright wherever you are
And I will wait for your sparks to get to me
Even it takes a hundred years of light

AGENCY LYFE

Exactly on Nov 1st, mbak Fanny asked to do a sharing session on a company event in the past month. She just told me a couple hours before the time and I think I almost passed out lol. I had a presentation in class in the afternoon and pretty much allocated my extrovert energy for it but turned out the morning presentation took nearly all of it! Crazy INFJ is crazy.

But later on Arga said it was alright! Yay Arga! Thanks, Arga!

FOREST OF THE DEAD

Dwini, Nabiila, Nico, and I decided to play Pandora Experience, Forest of The Dead theme! God, it got me shooketh. I was never that scared of scary voices or pictures, but that time I saw a creature, I lost it and went down hill from there. 

After.

Shocked. Shooketh.

PLANETARIUM & MUSEUM NASIONAL 

Before mid-exam weeks, I decided to visit Planetarium and Museum Nasional for Pameran Surat Pendiri Bangsa. It's been forever since the last (and only one) time I went to Planetarium. It was still nice-ish, but I hate the fact that now people are doing everything for the 'gram, including turning on their phones (and freaking flash) in the middle of planetarium show! It ruined everything!

DUA WAJAH "TRADISI PERAN DI ISTANA DAN MASYARAKAT" BY DIDIK NINI THOWOK

Finally, I could watch eyang Didik Nini Thowok! He was so amazing and his dances were magical. I'm a fan. And I think he also has a nice personality. He was very kind and funny. Stay healthy, Eyang, so you can keep performing for many many years later

But then my father died with me witnessed what probably was the last 15 minutes of his life.
It went downhill from there because I was incredibly close to him.
There's no more birthday greetings in the morning, no more cakes, no more pocket money to read my fave books, no more riding bikes, no more meeting my Mom and siblings everyday...

It felt like God was unfair to take my father who was a really good guy and He should've taken the other worse guys instead.
My uncle and aunt were more than kind to take me in.
They were probably a better pair to raise me than my own parents. But I wasn't that thankful for them until more than 10 years afterwards.

I know I gave them a hard time by not being a good kid.
I skipped schools sometimes. I stole money to rent and buy books - then straightly threw them away because I couldn't be caught having them (I was anyway). 

I stopped being friendly and most of the time, I just isolated myself thinking how miserable my life was.

God. I have to apologize to them one day.

They didn't put me in university because they had limited money and they have three younger boys than me whose lives should be prioritized.
I 100% understand and NOT judging them about the decision in any way.
I completely understood when they put me in one-year college instead.

But God is always kind.
And my aunt was the kindest woman I've ever met so it should've been because of her too that my life has been amazing ever since.

In that college, I got straight A's. Graduated as the best student in the Jabodetabek region.
A friend of my friend who owned a small company came to our graduation party using my invitation (because no one wanted to come to my graduation) and it just happened that he was looking for an employee.
He asked me to give him a CV and I was interviewed the next week.
And straightly got the job.

I spent five years working for him.
I learnt a lot.
It was my comfort zone.
But I finally came to my mind that I had to pursue better opportunities.

Back before I started working, I watched The Devil Wears Prada movie and for the first time ever it struck me that I wanted to be a personal assistant.
I know that it's not great for a dream job.
But it's a start, coming from me who never dared to dream having anything at all.

So I started looking for a personal assistant job.
And I went for an interview five times for a company - but didn't get it in the end due to an organization restructuring they did.
Bummed. But I kept looking for my way out.

Around a year after, I got interviewed as a Customer Service Relations - or what I think should be a Relocation Coordinator instead, in a multinational company.
I was excited because when I went there, I found out that many of the employees had been working there for decades. So I thought it must've been a good company.

And just when I thought I would never find a more comfortable place than my previous company... I did.

I was in one team consisted with all girls.
Our manager, ibu Fia, was a smart lady with whom I got along really well.
We had lunch almost everyday together, talked about life, religions, life choices.
I loved being busy at work so it was a perfect job for me.

Until the previous company I had five interviews with called me and offered me my dream job.

I remember that I met Yogi, the HR, at Starbucks Grand Indonesia East Mall on Sunday at 4 PM.
And I went home feeling really nervous because he offered me my dream job.
I remember texting my family group at Whatsapp and they seemed thrilled with the news.
I remember talked about it with ibu Fia too.
She said it was a good opportunity I shouldn't miss.
No longer before that, I just had my salary raised due to my good performance.
I even talked with the director, Pak Bill, about my future in the company and I said I was really excited about my job here.
Pak Bill, I hope you know that I didn't lie.

Ibu Fia was only worry because of the Indian stereotype - my next boss would be Indian. But it was quickly brushed off because Yogi said he was like a Bapak for him and Yogi himself just joined back to the company after taking his master degree abroad.
So I thought, he must be a hell of good boss :)

There are so many things I still remember about leaving ibu Fia and team, also joining the new company and adapting.
I feel like I'm still adapting.

Every time I came home, I talked to Naufal how overwhelming it was, working with CEOs and Directors, contacting important people, having colleagues who once studied in universities I could never got into.
And it still is.

But my boss, or Bapak, as we call him, made me feel like at home.
With his warmth, hugs, smiles, patience, teaching, and supports.
After my three months there, we had talk and he gave me such a nice review.
He said, "If there are ten smart people in the room and I had to pick two, one of them would be you".
It just boosted my confidence.
And I think I really did better after that.

Since the first day I met Bapak, in the job interview, Bapak asked me about my future planning.
Whether I'd like to continue studying.
And he kept pushing me to do it even more after that.
Especially later when he subtly told me that he's retired and would like to see me preparing for a better future before he left.
That day, I left the room in tears and ran to mbak Lita's to cry.
I was so touched and happy there's someone who thinks of my self and my future like he does, while he only knew me for several months then.
Bapak gave me suggestions on which university to go, which major to take, and what should I plan for the future.

And yesterday I went to first seminar in the university I chose and is officially a university student now.
Thanks to Bapak and his never ending support.

Today, 18 years and 4 months after what feels like the worst day of my life, I'm in a place far above it.

I had lost my biological father, but God has given me many other father figure in my life. From my uncle, my bosses, and the directors at work who sometimes feels more like annoying older brothers instead of fathers.
I have my dream job, plus a new job of doing something I think I'll like a lot: Marketing.
Just found out about that a week before Bapak retired that I would be assigned to marketing. I remember gave him a shock face and he asked, "That's what you'd like, right?"

My relationship with my family is not 100% perfect.
But we don't fight even though I still call Bogor home.
I don't have an endless count of people I call friends, but that's even better.
My colleagues are good friends and I can count on them anytime.
Financially, I'm better.
I'm supporting my brother and saving for university, but I still can eat nice meals and going to concerts too. Really can't complain.

Several years ago, if I had a time machine, I would go back and would try anything to prevent my father's death.
But today, if I had a time machine, I would go back only to tell my 8 year old me: "Everything will be fine and you'll do great. Just keep doing your best and put lots of trust on God. Just hang in there".

If you, whoever you are, read this to the end, I also want to tell you the same.
Everything will be fine.
Just hang in there.