Why can't you go when you can't stay?
So many words, so much times
So many promises were broken
I can't let you stay
But I don't want to let you go
We know what we want
But we don't say what we want
It's not us against the world
But it's the world against us
I stopped crying a while ago
But I still wish you'll be staying
Have you ever wonder how we will end?
I have so many thoughts, none of them are pretty
I know you're not good at promising
But if you only can promise me one thing
Please let it be that you'll always be in my life
Wherever you'll stay, whoever you'll be with
I want to know you for the years I have left
Like I've known you for the last five years

People said you need to grow up, go to school, get good grades, have a nice job, build a relationship, get married, settle down, have a couple kids, never worry and live happily.
People said it like it was easy.
People said that you'll need to grow up like your mother, marry a man like your father, dressed as nice as your sister, be friendly like your brother, get a good job like your uncle, cook as good as your grandmother, stay at home like a cute girl, but having many friends like an out-goers.
But they understand that everyone has different lives.
People said that if you're good to people, they'll treat you as nice as well.
People said that you can't be disappointing.
But they didn't tell about people can be disappointing and upsetting.
People said that it's okay to be wrong, that you'll get another chance, that tomorrow will be a nice day, and repeatedly, that they'll always be there for you.
People said today needs to better than yesterday, and that tomorrow needs to be better than today.
But they also said that life is a full circle, you can be in the top for today then in the bottom the next day.
People said they'll respect on what you believe and what you choose. As long as it's not a batshit crazy choices you made.
Oh, and as long as they like the choices too.
When you're a kid, people said you could be anything you wanted to be.
But 10 years later, it was mistaken.
Because, they said, life is real. You need to be real and think realistically and be logical.
Didn't they remember when they told us that you can dream high and you can reach it if you wanted to.
Why adults always think that whatever they told to kids, the kids wouldn't remember it 10 years later?
That the kids didn't understand what they said, and that it's NORMAL to do those all?
If being adults mean being means and morons, then I don't want to grow up.

Except it's not furry.
[It was just a reference for a friend who said it a (quite) long time ago]

Rules:
Using only SONG NAMES from ONE artist/band, cleverly answer these questions.

Artist/Band: Arctic Monkeys
Describe yourself: The Bad Thing
How do you feel: Too Much To Ask
Describe your current situation: This House Is A Circus
Describe where you currently live: If You Were There, Beware
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Fake Tales of San Fransisco
Your favorite form of transportation: Riot Van
Describe your ex: Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High
Your best friend is: Dangerous Animals
Your favorite color is: Black Treacle
If your life was a television show what would it be called: She's Thunderstorms
What is life to you: Joining The Dots
What is the best advice you have to give: Leave Before The Lights Come On
If you could change your name, what would you change it to: Arabella

Friendship is the strongest magic.
That's HOL motto.
Like Missa said a while ago about me, for me HOL isn't about just Harry Potter stuffs, quidditch, houses, classes, but it's all about friendship.
The site is based on fiction, we've never met people who are in there.
But it's real. The feelings are real.
When someone who I thought was my friend talked ugly behind my back, I was really hurt.
When group of friends I hold very dearly torn apart, my heart really broke too.
It was real.

HOL is pretty much dead now.
Best people are leaving, and I'm sad.
No, I'm not sad because people are leaving.
I'm sad because there is not much in HOL that could be reasons to stay.

I'm only in my third year now. Still a baby.
I had a very good start as a newbie, got good friends, who some turned out to be not good at all.
But it was actually the way to the better life.
Being beaten up, left alone, talked behind, I was found by the better, much better group of friends.
They healed my wounds, teach me to stand up when people expect us to get down, show me how real friends should be.
My second year, it was, really one of the best times of my life.
But sadly, it only lasted for a year.

People leave and life goes on.
I understand that.
I also know that I won't be able to hold them back.
It's just upsetting.
The friendship was pure gold.
I hope it will last long.
I really want to keep them forever as my friends.
And I'm just scared that once they leave, it will never be the same again.
because so far, it isn't.

This is why I'm scared of future.
This is why I hold my past so very very dear.
Because it's easier to stay with good memories than to get up making the new ones.

(This post has no offense to those who were born on April, every month has meaning for every different people).


April has different kind of meaning for me.
My lovely dad passed away on April.
So what do you think I'm supposed to do?
I feel bitter every time this month come.
I count every day to his death day and flashback to when it was on April 2000.
Because on April 1st 2000, I still had a father.
He was healthy, all was safe and sound.
I can't help to replay all the bad memories back on my head.
Each day on April kill a little part of me.
It's just, I wish it would stop at some point.
But in the same time, I also wish it wouldn't.
April will always be my Achilles heels.
On April I'm an 8 years old girl.
On April I remember how my Dad died.
On April I wish he didn't die.
On April I miss my Dad.
More, more, much more than any other time.

But please.
Don't tell me not to.

For me, it's privacy.
I would say family in the first place, but I'd lost my Dad when I was 8. Death isn't a thing you can control nor you can wish for so it doesn't happen too fast or whatnot.
But privacy, it's something you can have a control of.
You can choose what you want to share or show to people.
You can choose what your job is, whether it would expose your privacy or not.
And I think I can't live without it.
I can't imagine many people know my face, or want to know what I'm doing, where I am, and what I'm up to.
I can't imagine to be not able to go to public places without being recognize.
I can't imagine to not enjoy my time alone, just my self and my silly brain having fun.
When I was younger, I thought celebrities' fee were ridiculously high.
But now I understand, because it's not just their talent that people pay for, but also their lives.
People will know their faces, their spouses, their kids, where they live, what they wear, who their friends are, what they have for dinner, even.
Those thoughts freak me out.
I don't like being recognized in some streets by people I don't know.
Some people would find it lovely to know that they're famous. But me? Big NO.
I'd like to be just me.
I'd like to be able to walk into public places with my ordinary clothes, try to be invisible and blended in.
I'd like to be able to sit down alone without people recognize me and ask me to sit with them.
Maybe sometimes, I'd love to.
But the other times, I just love the idea of walking around alone.
I like staying in my room alone, listening to music, watching movies, reading books, writing, or cleaning.
I like sitting in a corner of a cafe with a book or my laptop and ignore people around me.
It's like there's no one else in the world except me.
I know some say I'm like an open book.
You may be right.
But you could be wrong.
The book you see or read is only the book I choose to expose to you.
Whatever personality you think I have, is the ones I choose to act towards you.
A person's personality is not as simple as that.
Especially those who loves their privacy.

Everybody has a personality.
Some of them are blessed with two.
I'm a young woman; I'm secretive, moody, over expecting, underestimate, overestimate, impatient, talk a lot, sensitive, and naive.
But I grow the other part of me, the manly-er side of me.
It makes me logical, cold, solitaire, playful, ignorant, silly, trustful, and open-minded.
In one side, I love black and white.
I think there's only two things in this world, it's either black or white.
Grey is nonsense. Grey is fake. Grey is confusing. Grey can't be trusted. Grey is unreliable.
But the other side of me says that everything in this world is grey.
There's no good and bad. There's no you and me. There's no love and hate. There's no yes or no.
Everything is inbetween. Everything is uncertainty. Everything is relative.
I love good result. Who doesn't?
And my ego doesn't care about the process as long as it has good result.
But my other side says process is more important than the result.
No matter how good the result is, if you don't earn it right, you don't have it.
In one side, I'm a person who has big ego, who can't live without privacy, who enjoy travels alone, who doesn't give a damn about what other people think, who never trust anyone, who builds tall blue wall around me and let no one come in.
But in the fact is I'm a fragile, broken, care, sensitive, lonely person who trust people from the very first second we meet, until they screw up, someday later, and I would be down in a cold Arctic hole.
There are always, always two sides of me.
I don't know if later I would just have one.
If one day I could pick the best one and be the best of me. Well I hope I could.
Some people probably think I have extreme mood swing.
I beg to differ.
I call this a disorder personality.
Your attitude reflects how I act towards you.