There are always some things I want to do before I grow up.
I think I'll post it here once in a while when I remember them.
Here's three of them:
1. Play hide and seek in a park.
2. Walking around a city (not alone) all night long, get a breakfast in dawn.
3. Go on car ride for days. Stop by beaches and stay for a night.

Gue itu ga begitu akur sama Eyang Putri.
Karena mungkin, sifat kita mirip. Mirip sampe-sampe ga bisa disatuin.
Dan walau gue udah kerja waktu itu, gue ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Waktu itu gue mikirnya sepele.
Lagian Eyang juga banyak yang beliin macem-macem. Nggak butuh gue beliin apa-apa.
Tapi ternyata gue salah. Salah banget.

Waktu itu gue dititipin sama Eyang, beliau pengen permen kopiko.
Dan gue beliin. Gue kasih ke beliau.
Sama Eyang mau diganti uangnya. Kata gue ga usah.
Berapa sih harga permen. No big deal.
Ternyata, beliau seneng banget gue beliin permen.
Beliau bilang ke beberapa orang, "Ini aku dibeliin permen sama Tata."
Waktu ngedenger gue juga biasa aja. Apa sih. Permen doang.

Tapi trus setelah beliau meninggal, dan gue nemuin permen kopiko itu masih ada, gue jadi sedih.
Sedih dan merasa bersalah.
Maaf ya Eyang, Tata ga pernah beliin Eyang apa-apa.
Semenjak itu gue jadi seneng beliin Mbah, mamanya mama, macem-macem.
Gue jadi seneng beliin Mama apa yang Mama butuhin.
Gue ga mau penyesalan itu keulang lagi. Cukup udah waktu sama Eyang.

Dan gue itu jarang banget dipeluk atau dicium sama Eyang.
Tapi tepat 24 jam sebelum Eyang meninggal, pas gue salim abis pulang dari Bekasi, beliau tarik tangan gue, peluk, dan cium dua pipi gue.
Nggak nyangka kalo tepat 24 jam setelahnya, beliau akan pergi untuk selama-lamanya.
Tapi gue seneng, seneng banget, karena Eyang bikin gue yakin kalo beliau itu sayang sama gue.
Ga peduli kalo kita sering berantem, ga tegur-teguran, ga akur satu sama lain.

Eyang, maafin Tata ya.
Walau Tata ga pernah bilang ke Eyang, tapi yang penting Eyang sekarang tau, kalo Tata sayang banget, sayaaaaaaang banget sama Eyang.

Hampir seperempat abad. Hm.

Semoga Chita sehat selalu sehingga ga menyusahkan orang lain, atau menyiksa diri sendiri.
Semoga Chita bisa menemukan hal yang bisa membuatnya bahagia. Dan ketika hari itu datang, tetaplah berbahagia selalu ya Chita.
Semoga Chita tahun ini bisa ikhlas. Ikhlas atuh Chit, malu udah 23 tahun.
Ikhlas gimana?
Ikhlas nerima hidup, tapi ga membuat Chita pasrah dan ga berusaha berubah.
Ikhlas nerima Papa ga akan balik lagi.
Ikhlas kalau yang Chita mau belum bisa tercapai. Coba lagi yah.
Ikhlas kalau Chita dikasih lebih sehingga harus membimbing.
Ikhlas memberi. Terlebih lagi, ikhlas menerima.

Semoga Chita bisa tambah sabar. Sabar dan jadi anak yang baik. Manusia yang baik. Sabar.
Semoga Chita tambah sayang sama mama. Sama semua orang yang Chita harus sayang.
Semoga Chita bisa lebih dekat sama Allah. Sama satu-satunya tempat Chita untuk mengadu, berlindung. Jangan cuma curhat sama manusia aja. Kan udah ngerti kalo curhat sama manusia itu nggak dapet jawaban apa-apa.
Semoga Chita bisa memilih dengan baik. Hidup itu penuh dengan pilihan. Memilihlah. Dengan baik. Dengan bijak. Dengan menggunakan akal sehat. Dengan menggunakan hati yang besar.
Semoga Chita berkurang sombongnya. Inget Chit, di atas langit akan selalu masih ada langit. Banyak baca, banyak ketemu orang baru, banyak pergi-pergi dan observasi. Belajar dari sekitar ya. Belajar terus.
Semoga Chita bisa terus sama-sama dengan orang yang Chita sayang, yang Chita butuhkan kehadirannya untuk kebaikan Chita, dan untuk kebaikan mereka.
Semoga Chita jangan nangis terus. Banyak senyum. Banyak ketawa. Tapi jangan ikutan banyak nangis atuh yah. Gimana sih Chita ini.
Dan semoga Chita selalu inget sama mereka yang sayang sama Chita. Kamu itu nggak bener-bener sendirian kok. Chita sayang banget sama mereka, dan mungkin kamu ga tau bahwa, mungkin mereka juga. Bahwa akan selalu ada minimal seseorang yang sayang sama Chita. Jadi jangan ngerasa sendirian ya.

Disaat orang lain membahasakan dirinya dipanggil aunty oleh keponakan atau anak dari sebayanya, saya masih ingin dipanggil tante, atau bulik.

Disaat orang-orang meminta anaknya memanggilnya Bunda atau Mami, saya ingin dipanggil Ibu.

Saya juga masih ingin membahasakan anak-anak saya nanti, insya Allah, kapanpun itu, dengan panggilan Mas atau Mbak.

Sederhana dan simpel sebenernya, dan bukan masalah besar.
Cuma bagi saya kedengerannya beda aja. Beda rasanya.

When I was asked, what or who I want to be or do, I'm always confused.
I most likely will say, "I don't know."
But it's more because I have too much in mind about what or who I want to be or do.

I want to be a Vet.
Because I love animals.
I want to take care of them. I want to heal them.
I want to help the people who love them and make them feel better.

I want to be a Librarian.
Because I love books.
I love indexing, tidying and arranging the shelves to make it looks good.
I imagine it'd be such a delightful feeling to see people come to read.
Those people who found books that mean something to them.
Those people who love books, probably more than I do.
Even those who don't, but probably some of them will find the way to love it eventually.

I want to be an Astronout.
Because I love stars. I love space.
I want to study about it.
I want to know about what's going on out there that not many people know that happens.

I want to be a Historian.
Because I damn love history.
I want to remember what most people don't.
I want to be able to tell story about the past to my children, to my grandchildren, or simply to those who want to know.

I want to be a Psychologist.
I want to understand people. I want to notice those who are unnoticed.
I want to encourage people. I want to help people feel better.

There are many who or what I want to be.
I wish I had more than one life to live.

You might not know this that that song always reminds me of you.
Those two words remind me of you.
Because I believe, we will be forever and always.
Even we're together or not.
Because you're so important to me.
Even I never told you.
But you know.
You most likely know.
We are not simple.
Our lives are not simple.
The thing we have is never simple.
I slap myself everytime I ask for someone's opinion about how I should do with you.
Because if I don't know the answer, that means they won't either.
And it hurts me so much. And it makes me cry.
Literally cry.
Our choices aren't as simple as:
Stay or leave.
Yes or no.
Love or like.
Talk or shut up.
Lover or else.
We are both.
Do you hear that? We are both.
I have many things to tell you.
I have many things to do with you.
Leaving you, is one of them.
But would I? Could I?
A favourite movie of mine said this but I'm going to change it slightly a bit for you.
If someday I leave you, it's not because I don't love you.
It's because I do.
And it's not because I miss you.
Because I miss you already.
Maybe our story are going to end soon.
Our time is running out.
We are not as young as we were five years ago.
We don't have another five years to waste.
I want to move on with my life. And you should too.
Maybe in several years we'll see each other again in different place.
Maybe we won't be able to talk for hours until late like we did last time.
Maybe we'll be busy with our own lives.
Or maybe,
Maybe we won't meet again.
Just keep my words:
You are amazing. You are important. You are kind and wonderful.
I want you to have the best possible life because you deserve it.
I enjoyed every single hour I spent with you.
And I enjoyed the sweet torture you gave me.
You made me feel lots of things.
Complicated things that I've never felt about before.
No one could give me the feeling before. Because you are special.
And you will always be.
I didn't lie when I told you that you're my favourite.
You are.
Forever and always.