My 15th remembrance of 25th April.
God.
It's been so damn long, hasn't it?!
And for the first time ever I can't go visit him or even send him some prayers because of the monsteration.
Later I'll shower you with many prayers though, Papa. No worries!

If there's time when I need to discuss with Papa the most, probably is today. Or lately, at least.
My youngest brother is going to college soon. And I feel like Papa would give his best thought about it.
And there are many thoughts that I can't share with anyone. But I know with Papa I would be able to put them into words.

Aaaaaah shit.
I just got all tearing up again.
I promised that I would take it easy this year.
It's been 15 years and it's about time to make peace with Papa's death.
But it's not easy, isn't it?

Well, okay.
So.
Happy 15th D-day to my superhero, superman, teacher, personal guardian angel, leader, soldier, lover, my very own Daddy.
I love you forever and ever and after.

Until I see you again, Papa :)

seperti gravitasi,dia bikin aku turun...
sial! dia seperti permen karet di sepatu,sulit hilang tanpa ada usaha
dia bilang dia ga akan bohong (lagi)
tapi akan selalu (lagi-lagi)

lupa kombinasi lemari besi
biar lupa terus jadi ga bisa di buka
jika di buka bisa bahaya
bisa ada luka lagi

mengobati luka
ah...pergi ke Bar Lazy Daze
pesan dinosaurus burger
makan yang banyak,meludah sedikit
kepada mereka yang suka bohong

"Pesan capucino hangat,satu..."
duduk,menunggu hujan yang makin lebat saja
hujan es,bikin dingin semua
ada setan naik taxi,dia juga pembohong

Luka senang datang
lalu pergi lagi
seperti bohong yang selalu berotasi
berputar-putar di kebohongan yang sama

dia,aku harap mau pergi
"Pintu keluar sebelah sana..."

keluar,dan jangan balik lagi
cuma bikin repot

satu datang,semua datang
satu pergi,semua pergi
sial!

ada semut bawa apel
itu pasti bohong
semut kan suka gula...

lagi-lagi harus obati luka,
biarin aja dia pergi,nanti juga datang lagi
tapi,jangan harap bisa masuk
pintu sudah ku kunci
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

berani masuk,berarti mati
lebih baik jangan masuk,
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

obat dan racun memang berbeda,
obat baik,
racun buruk,
tapi...
terlalu banyak obat juga bisa jadi racun yang baik.

ah...masa lalu basi,selalu hinggap kapan dia mau
sial!

-

Ini salah satu tulisan Dio terfavorit saya sepanjang masa.
Lagi di kantor. Di luar hujan. Lagi ga temenan sama jas hujan.
Dari minggu lalu kepikiran mulai nulis yang bener lagi.
Trus buka-buka arsip di otak dan kepikiran era ini.
Waktu Dio masih sering nodong buat bacain tulisan dia.
Waktu itu saya penulis yang sedikit lebih tidak amatir dibanding hari ini.
Aaaaaaaaaa, Chita 2010. Kamu ke mana?
Pengen bisa nulis lagi :(

You talk nicely.
You dress casually.
You wear my favourite kind of shoes.
And you eat a lot. Even you refused to admit it so.

You complain about your weight.
I tell you that you look fine.
Then we talk a bit.
But you're always distracted by something else.

You drop me home.
And I wave you a goodbye.
You tell me that we shall meet again.
And we exchange a smile.

Sometimes you remember little things I say.
Of course I remember little things you say.
It's so nice having you in life.
It's always been.

My Dad died on April 25th 2000, that means it'll be 15th year this year.

God.

It has been so awfully long, hasn't it?

I'm gonna be 24 this year.
My sister will be 20 (Awww!).
And my little brother is 18 this May.
My Mum has happily remarried with a nice man (still not as nice as my Dad though, really) and gave us a half brother who is lovely and smart.

My Dad's death always haunts me for the past 15 years.
If I wasn't a traumatic kid, it made me becomes one.
It breaks and tears me down, into pieces.
And I keep running from the truth that my Dad has gone for 15 years now.

But for the first time in the last 15 years, this thought has come to me.
The thought of making peace with my nightmare.
The thought of finally letting him go.
The thought of not running from the truth about him.
The thought of enjoying my life without being so stuck with it.

It's been 15 years.
People said time will heal anything.
Anything.
I hope it's true and I hope this isn't an exception.

I don't want to forget him. Not ever.
I want to always miss him.
I want to love him more each day as if he's still alive.

But I need to find a way to do that without being trapped inside my fear.

Sometimes I wish I went to his funeral instead of crying in the attic while he was taken away.
I wish I watched them buried him to the ground, to his last shelter. And I hope the best shelter he's ever had.
Maybe if I did that, I wouldn't be as haunted as I am now.

I have so many thoughts in my mind but I haven't got time to sit down and type ony laptop.
I can do on my phone but my stupid perfectionist side told me "No! You should sit down and type. THAT is called blogging!"
So meh.

Put that aside.
I just want to write a few things that I feel lately.

I love my friends.
Like, real love.
Like, friends love.

I love the one that send me funny pictures or funny quizzes results or hot guy that she likes but I don't because we totally have different type.
I love the one that always teased me when I posted a pic of me wearinf lipstick. BUT I always wear lipstick when I go out with her! Pfft.
I love the one that has the same zodiac sign as me who is hopelessly romantic and stuck with the same guy for years - with no status. Damn you, girl!
I love the one that I rarely contact and live in another city but is always fun to meet and hang with.
I love the one whom I can fangirl with and make me comfortable around her because she is so kind and nice.
I love the one that only I meet when he's in the city and we usually go to see movies and eat and he has a really good taste on music.
I love the one I can randomly ask about IT stuffs, or just stuffs. The one that I've known for years but I've never met (So sorry!)
I love the one whom I met when I was 13 and has a beautiful name and a happy family but now work in a city far away and I miss her terribly.
I love the one who lives in another continent and travel to England every once in a few months (God, SO jealous!) and is my role model who made me very brave and dare to stand up for people I love.
I love the one whom I know online and is very shy and awkward and not talking much but when we do it makes me so happy.

And so on.
Sometimes you forget how much blessings you've received in a form of friendship.
So I'm glad now I remember it and want to spend a little time to write it down.

I love you, friends.
Thanks for being there for me.