Many times I "removed" people from my life. People who I used to call friends or even best friends, for years.
Sometimes it's for reasons that people think is silly. Or that I'm so arrogant. Or I'm childish. Or intolerant. Or not a good person.

Like I would care.

When I'm friends with someone, don't doubt my loyalty. I will do anything for them. REALLY care with them and always be there for them.
When I'm friends with someone, I'll love them with the whole of my heart.

Then something wrong happens.
I cannot tolerate lies.
In any form.
For any reason.
I appreciate truth even it will kill me. I really do.
But don't you lie to me.
Don't ever pull an April fool joke at me. Or that was the last day I'd ever trust you again.

There's a friend that has been friends with me for years now, but I keep thinking that s/he tells lies once in a while. I keep being friends with them and never pointed it out, but I don't love them with the whole of my heart even sometimes I enjoy themselves as a company.
You know, you get a feeling when someone is lying to you.

My friends are the ones I trust to know my personality, to know my life, to know what I like and dislike. I always have tall thick walls around me and with friends, I am willing to lower or make it thinner.
I also want to surround my self with people that can make me better, or want to be better.
I'm past the ages when I want to gossip about friends (that I don't even see anymore). Nor want to discuss about who is thinner or whose hair is shinier.
I'm not saying people are dumb or dumber than me. No. People are smart.
Many people I know went to college in various studies, means they are MUCH smarter than me in their way.
I just want them to TALK and DISCUSS about that. Instead of about weight, hair, shoes, clothes, or boys.

So I started being even pickier than ever now. I have friends who make me comfortable to be around with and also make me better at the same time. And those kinds are the ones I want to see for the rest of my life (and I hope the feeling is mutual).

Surrounded with the kind of people that I don't like makes me worse and I don't want to be it.
And surrounded with the kind of people that I like makes me happy and a better person and more positive. Makes me the person I want to be it.

I know and realize that I can't always find the people I like. And that I need to learn to be friends with those people are not perfect in my eyes.
I certainly will.

But not now.
Now I need to be better. I need to be happy.
If you don't know, I'm not living in the happiest family. So my sunshine/rainbows/butterflies personality has been used up to handle the drama from there lol.
I apologise for not being nice/friendly/socialized like a normal person should be.

I'm so fucking tired of listening to people, particularly women, who are obsessed with losing their weights even though they're not fat or maybe they are but they don't care about doing some exercise or HEALTHY diet. They just don't eat. Or eat in small portions but they don't know about what they eat or how much calories they consume.

Like, I had dinner once with a friend.
She refused to eat anything other than fruits or veggies. So she ordered a salad. With mayonnaise.
As she was 80% done with it, I asked her if she knew that mayonnaise is made from egg yolks. She didn't. After that, she refused to finish her salad.
Smh.

I wouldn't care if you're in detox, or Mayo diet (the one without salt in their meals), if you do it right.
And you must really know about what you do.

Maybe I only say this because I'm skinny without trying.
Maybe I don't know what it's like to be overweight and want to be skinny.

But I'm just really tired of listening to people talking about weight loss.
Hopefully you don't die trying.

Dari umur 8 tahun, saya merasa kalo kematian itu dekeeeeet sekali dengan saya dan ada di mana2.
Saya rasa itu yg akan kamu rasakan kalo sewaktu kamu 8 tahun, kamu ngeliat Ayahmu sakaratul maut tepat di depan matamu.

Jadi saya tidak pernah takut mati.
Bukannya sombong, tapi memang tidak.
Kalo meninggal, berarti saya bisa ketemu Papa, insya Allah mungkin juga bisa ketemu nabi Muhammad dan ketemu Allah.
Waktu kecil dan sehabis Papa meninggal, saya berasanya lebih deket sama Allah, cerita-cerita sama Allah, kalo takut inget sama Allah, kalo seneng makasihnya sama Allah.
Sama nabi Muhammad juga, karena hidup beliau yg sedemikian rupa, saya ngerasanya cuma nabi Muhammad yg bisa ngertiin saya dan gantiin sosok Papa. Dulu beberapa kali mimpi dijemput sama nabi Muhammad dan diajak pergi-pergi. Seneng banget.
Mungkin itu maksudnya kalo anak yatim itu jadi kesayangan Allah dan Rasul.
That's a side story.

Sampe sekarangpun saya masih "melihat" kematian di sekitar saya.
Setiap ketemu sama orang yg kurang baik atau sombong, dalam hati saya selalu berpikir, "Kalo kamu besok meninggal sementara hari ini kamu masih berbuat kurang baik seperti ini, alangkah kurang beruntungnya kamu"
Saya juga sering baca2 blog/Twitter/facebook saya dan mengira2, jika saya meninggal, apa hal terakhir yg saya ucapkan. Semoga saja itu baik.

Dan makin ke sini, perasaan "tidak takut mati" itu semakin menenangkan.
Seakan-akan semakin jelas kalau dunia itu benar-benar hanya sementara.
Kalau diperlakukan tidak adil, ya sudah.
Jangan mencari keadilan di dunia, ga ada habisnya. Nanti kan ada akhirat, jauh lebih adil. Ga perlu bikin pembelaan juga :)

Semoga aja kapanpun kematian menjemput, kita semua siap dan ikhlas.

Untuk saya, jika kematian menjemput, saya senang sekali.
Berarti saya bisa ketemu orang-orang dan Dzat Maha Tinggi yg selama ini saya rindukan.
Berarti saya sudah selesai tugasnya di dunia, tinggal mempertanggungjawabkannya.
Berarti saya bisa retired dari hidup dan memulai "hidup" di afterlife.

Maybe I feel tired because I've been running.
Running away from many things in my life.

Running away from the death of my father that has always haunted me.
Running away from the fact that I'm the eldest and that means I'm responsible of my Mom and younger siblings.

It overwhelms me, big times.
It's often that I think I want to disappear.
Or even wish to die instead.

People expect me to be strong and tough.
While inside, I'm only a little girl who miss and need her father.

I'm falling apart.
I'm failing.

I just want to live for my self.
Being responsible of my self.
Focus on my own dreams.
Carry the weight of my own burden.
Being haunted by my own mistakes.

For my whole life I've been trying to convince my self that life is fair.
But it always finds a way to tell me that it's not.
Maybe it really is not.
Maybe that's why there's an afterlife.