I haven't been writing anything useful this year.
Lots of new things, lots of adjustments, trying to catch up with life are what happened.
Meanwhile life is actually kinda exciting, I haven't been very wordy to write them down.
Tonight, I'm feeling wordy.
Don't be too eager, it's still another useless stuffs.
I'm going to write some crazy facts about myself!
Hey, it's my blog, I totally can write about myself :D

1. Dislikes watching TV
I'm not sure why but I guess it was a habit growing up. You know when you were little and your parents didn't allow you to watch too much TV? Yeah, it happened to me too. And I guess I become used to not watching TV. Besides, I hate commercial breaks and being controlled by TV shows schedule.

2. Dislikes shopping, unless grocery or books shopping!
I find clothes/shoes shopping is rather frightening. Because I need to go from one store to another yet it doesn't mean I will find the things I want. It could be easier to buy online but I can't touch them, so no. I'm a very picky person and won't buy something unless I like everything about it. So clothes/shoes shopping is a nightmare!
Meanwhile, I love shopping in supermarkets. I can go for hours! I like to read labels, compare stuffs, and you can always find a thing you need in supermarkets (well at least, sweets and snacks, right?).
And books... I prefer to buy them online because it'll be easier to NOT buy more if you're not surrounded by book shelves with heavy, good-looking, colourful books. Also, I need to check regularly for discount which is tiring if I check it offline in the stores!

3. Likes sunbathing
It's not weird, unless you're a pure-Asian who lives in a tropical country where (almost) every woman wants to look whiter/lighter and try to stay out of the sun as long as they could.
I actually enjoy being under the sun. Well, mid-day sun gives me headache, mostly. But when I get a chance, I like to sit under the sun and enjoy the sunlight roasts my skin. It's warm. It feels like I'm being recharged.

4. Loves working!
Am I a workaholic? I actually don't know what a workaholic is. I just enjoy working. Even though I'm also complaining when it's Monday, stressed when work is getting tight, and wants to skip a day (or a year) off, I actually enjoy it. I like being busy. So busy you barely can breath. I like having so much to do. I like pushing my limits. I don't mind working until late. Sometimes, I even work on weekends.
So, am I a workaholic?

5. (can be crazy) Details (sometimes)
Maybe it's because I read and am obsessed with  Sherlock Holmes and Detective Conan. Maybe because I'm too paranoid. Maybe because I'm just this crazy.
When I leave my room, I take a brief eye-scan on the room to memorize the place of each items (only the major ones, though) so when I'm back, I check if my stuffs are in the same positions as I left earlier. So far, I never got any creepy/weird/woah-are-those-stuffs-moving-by-themselves experiences in my rented room, because no one came inside my room when I wasn't there (thank God!). When I lived in a house, I always can tell if someone borrowed my pen or moved something on my desk.
I'm not crazy, right? ><

6. Have a good memory... sometimes
Especially about something that I heard verbally. Like when you tell me stories about your ex-boyfriends or your ancestors, I would be likely to remember it even when you've forgotten about it. It's not that I want to keep them in my mind, but it's just there.
It's also annoying when you promise me something, because I will always, always remember them :)

7. Never hates a person
If you know me personally, especially if you were my close friends, you would know how I could cruelly ignore people. But don't take it wrong. I wouldn't hate anyone, even though it seems like it. I always believe hating means caring. And if I don't like a certain person, I wouldn't hate them because it means I still care about them (pfft!). So instead of hating, I would ignore instead. Pretend that they don't exist. It's healthier for me that way.

8. Obsessed with orders and lists
I have lists of everything. List of resolutions of each year, list of things I want to buy, list of things I need to buy, list of things I want to do before I die, list of the books I have, list of the books I want to buy, list of the movies I've watched each year, etc. My life is not my life if I don't have my lists. It helps me prioritizing things. It helps me not to miss anything or lost my focus.

9. Watches what she eats, closely
I don't like being sick (who does?!) but I don't really have a healthy living. I don't exercise regularly, I don't take vitamins regularly either. So the only thing to maintain my health is by watching what I eat and drink. It's not crazy stuffs. I still eat normal foods I can buy in warung or food street, but I try to not eat bad combinations. For example, you won't find me eating rice with noodles or potatoes, because it means I eat double carbohydrates. Or I don't eat chicken/beef/lambs with fish/seafood because... well, you actually shouldn't. Look it up. I try to eat a full plate of vegetables or fruits at least once a week. I drink milk an hour before I eat anything. I drink coffee/tea as less as I could (usually once in a few days). I limit myself to drink canned/bottled drinks only once a month. I don't eat instant noodles anymore (unless I don't have a choice). Etc.
However, I'm not picky when I don't have many choices. If someone serves me instant noodles, I won't tell them "Oops sorry, I don't eat this, can you cook me something else?"

10. Not ambitious, at all
In my very first job interview, I was asked about my expected salary. My answer was "Above the minimum wage". The interviewer teased me, "What if I gave you only IDR 10,000 above the minimum wage?" and my answer was "That's fine. As long as it's above the minimum wage. You can determine how much I deserve after you see my performance"
Of course I didn't answer that when I was asked the same question in my next job interviews.
What I was trying to say is that I never had any ambition to earn more money. Or to get certain position. That doesn't mean I don't like money. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to travel the world or not counting when you're book shopping? :D
But that doesn't mean more money or high positions are my goals. My goals are to always learn, wherever I work. Because money can be stolen, but no one could steal your knowledge and ideas from you :)

[to be continued...]

Sometimes, you're not in the best of yourself. Heck, you're even in your worst self.
Sometimes, instead of trying again, you quit.
Sometimes, instead of getting up, you give up.

Not everyone has a strong mind, body, or feeling.
Me? Never any of them.
I have disappointed many people, leaving many friends, quitting many processes.
I just never thought today would happen.

I'm not in my best self and maybe I would regret it one day.
How I was supposed to stay, fight, and not give up instead.
But it's done.

I quit. For good.
Hurting and disappointing many people in the process.
I'm really sorry. You know I am.
You deserve the best of people around you and I'm not one of them.
I keep making mistakes, messing up, and never be good enough.
No matter how hard I try.

You know how much I love you and how I look up to you but I'm done hurting you.
And even though being done with it means I hurt you once again, and maybe leave bigger scar now.

For me, you're always that person who once tried to change me to be a stronger, tougher, braver person but I failed to be any of those. And it's not your fault. It's never yours.
You're always my good friend, even though I'm not for you.

Thank you for everything.

Selama saya dibesarkan, saya tidak menerima banyak pujian.
Atau bisa saja saya yang tidak ingat.
Well, sewaktu saya umur 4-5 tahun sih saya menerima appraisal karena Papa sukses mengajarkan saya Bahasa Inggris dari sebelum saya masuk SD.
Tapi setelah itu, khususnya setelah Papa meninggal, ga ada lagi yang ngasih appraisal di hidup saya.
Not that I complained. It happened. It couldn't be done otherwise, right?
Tapi mungkin itulah alasan kenapa saya menjadi orang yang tidak pernah percaya diri dan awkward.
Setiap saya menerima pujian, saya tidak percaya kalau saya berhak atas pujian tersebut.
Sometimes, it makes me looks arrogant, karena reaksi saya biasanya diam, senyum datar, atau paling bilang terima kasih secara standard.
In other situation gue jugs bisa menjawab, "I'm not doing anything good. It's just what I'm supposed to do."
Tapi itu bukan berarti gue ga seneng menerima appraisal lho.
Beberapa minggu yang lalu gue nerima pujian pertama gue dari beberapa colleagues gue.
I'm really flattered and appreciate it.
Tapi setengah dari gue ga percaya karena bagi gue I didn't do anything great.
I'm just doing my job.

Di HOL, gue juga hampir selalu meragukan diri sendiri, dalam hal apapun.
The good thing is, I have Sam.
Dari 4 tahun yang lalu pertama kali gue kenal Sam, dia yang selalu ngasih gue tantangan baru.
Something bigger each time, yang bahkan gue sendiri ga percaya kalo gue bisa ngerjain hal itu.
But in the end, I could.
She believes in me more than anyone ever believed in me.
And I believe that everyone needs a person in their life who is like that.
I'm lucky to have her.
Sampai sekarang, kalo dia ngasih gue kerjaan baru, gue cuma bisa jawab, "If you think I can do that, then I will."

Was it good to grow up receiving less appraisal?
I honestly don't know.
Tapi yang jelas gue merasa senang pihak-pihak yang mendidik gue tidak pernah mengiming-imingi rewards.
Entah itu sekedar "Beli ini ke warung, kembaliannya buat kamu", hadiah kalau puasanya full satu bulan, juara kelas, atau apapun itu.
Karena lalu saya mengerti bahwa mengerjakan sesuatu itu tidak perlu imbalan dalam bentuk apapun.
Bahkan terkadang, kita juga tidak bisa mengharapkan imbalan dalam hasil yang baik.
Shit happens, right?

It was a random thoughts I have after receiving another compliment from my boss this morning.
And I haven't even replied his email of compliment.
I don't even know if I would.

Sometimes I wonder, what have I done so right to deserve these people.
Temen-temen online yang belum pernah gue temui, kecuali lewat skype atau tukeran holidays card doang.
Tapi tetep berusaha catch up di sela-sela kesibukan, buat nanya kabar dan what they missed while we're not in contact.
Skype seharian, ngedengerin story telling, sampe ketiduran.
Nyari tau cara gue dapet visa Amerika.
Ngerencanain liburan bareng gue.
Bilang kalo mereka nungguin gue buat ngunjungin mereka di apartmentnya.
Ah :')

Gue percaya apa yg gue inginkan bisa jadi nyata.
Dan gue percaya gue bisa ketemu mereka one day.
Entah gimana caranya, itu bukan urusan gue.

Suatu hari nanti, kita bakalan all-nighteran lagi, tapi in person.
Together.

I started reading a lot again.
Thanks to Ashley, who is suddenly encouraging me to do more reading.
And more watching.
And basically turning me into an absolute, full-time fangirl.
I'm not complaining, just saying.

Reading is a fun activity, you know.
You can be anyone else.
You can know what others think.
You can know how people deal with many things.
You can go to adventure.
You can visit places.
You can feel many emotions.
Without leaving your place, wherever you are.

I started reading very early.
My dad was a big reader himself.
I used to hear stories how he sneaked comics to his room when he's supposed to study.
I guess he didn't want me to feel the same, so he let me read whenever I want.
He taught me to read.
I remember very clearly how I sat on his lap as he taught me to read subtitles on tv that night.
I know, what a beautiful moment to remember.
I also remember that he used to take me buying books, comics, magazines.
And how I spent some of my weekends reading books on my beach chair... not in a beach.
My parents also gave me money to rent books.
They were okay with it.
I was the happiest kid.

Then I moved to Bogor, where, my aunt and uncles, even though they're very good parents, they didn't see reading the same way as my dad did.
I couldn't read as much as I didn't.
I couldn't use my money to rent nor buy books.
But I kept reading anyway.
They subscribe to Bobo magazine, so I still got that.
And I bought second hand books and comics, but I couldn't get to keep them.
Because they'll be upset.
So I threw them away after I read them.
I remember how sad it was.

So after I got a job and my own money, I never stop buying books.
I bought every books that I wanted to buy.
Even though it's not cheap, or I need to wait a month because they're shipped from overseas.
It's worth it.

Reading is not only a hobby.
It's my dad's legacy.
I don't know nor understand how hard is it to make your kid loves reading.
But he did.
He made me love reading.
16 years after he's gone, I'm still reading.
And when I'm reading, I feel like back to one of those nights.
When I was on his lap, listening to him reading.
Or when I was on my beach chair.

When I'm reading, I feel him around.
Reading with me.

Hello Papa, it's been sixteen years since I saw you last.
Usually there are tears but today, they weren't here.
Well I did a little cry yesterday when I listen to songs that remind me of you (there's a lot, okay!) but then I realized how happy I feel this year.

Yes, Papa. I am happy.
I feel happy, blessed, and very grateful.
My life has been great.
It's always been, but I can see it clearly today.

I have a good job that I like a lot!
My colleagues are really nice and funny and kind.
I live alone in the city we used to live in.
But I always have a place to come home in Bogor.
The relationship with the family is great too.
Aji is studying hard.
Please keep your eyes on him, k?
And I'm surrounded with the best kind of friends!
There are some I don't like, then I'm not keeping them.
Because I believe the God will replace the bad ones with the good ones, only if we have guts to throw the bad ones.
I also have online friends that are so nice and kind like we're friends in real life.
I really hope we can meet one day!

That's from me, Papa.

And you.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Are you happy?
Are you sad?
I miss you, always.
I really hope you can come see me in my dreams.
We can have a talk. Or laugh.
Or neither. Just sitting.
Or hugging.
I promise I won't cry like the last time we met.

Anyway, I want to thank you.
To teach my to read and love English.
To be my father.
I'm blessed.
I don't want to trade father, even though the other father lives a lot longer than you :P

Okay so,
Happy deathday, Papa!
I miss you <3


Your daughter,
Chita