Maybe I feel tired because I've been running.
Running away from many things in my life.

Running away from the death of my father that has always haunted me.
Running away from the fact that I'm the eldest and that means I'm responsible of my Mom and younger siblings.

It overwhelms me, big times.
It's often that I think I want to disappear.
Or even wish to die instead.

People expect me to be strong and tough.
While inside, I'm only a little girl who miss and need her father.

I'm falling apart.
I'm failing.

I just want to live for my self.
Being responsible of my self.
Focus on my own dreams.
Carry the weight of my own burden.
Being haunted by my own mistakes.

For my whole life I've been trying to convince my self that life is fair.
But it always finds a way to tell me that it's not.
Maybe it really is not.
Maybe that's why there's an afterlife.

Most people would think I'm crazy for spending time online chatting with people I've never met. Or waking up at 2 am to play a game with them.

Their loss.
Because I have one of the best experiences when I'm with them and it's true.

Ravenclaw Quidditch Team has won HOL's quidditch house cup for 7 (at least) years in row.
Broke so many records, like highest score gap, most mvp, etc.
And they earned it with hard work.

First time I heard about them (I wasn't in Ravenclaw at that moment) people were bashing them. I didn't know whether RQT won because they cheated or they really were that good.
But after I found out how hard they worked, I realized, that when someone says the taller a tree is, the stronger wind it will get, is true.

When other teams practice 3x a week, they do 6x. When other teams bot for 3000 questions, they do 12000.

People don't know that.
And even they do, they won't see it. Because they hate them. And it blinds them.

While RQT stays cool no matter what.
Even people call them cheaters - even they aren't.
Even people try to call them out by insulting them in public rooms.
Even the people who are supposed to be not biased, are biased.

Being a part of RQT teaches me a lot of things.
That no matter if we're good (or bad) or do things right (or wrong) , there's always someone who won't like us.
That person will always try to bring us down. But keep your head high anyway.

And since then, everytime I see a successfull person, I don't see the success they have. Rather than imagining the process they've done.
Because, really, no pain no gain.
Even some people also have more blessing than the other.
Some call it talent.
I think that's because they're on their right path.

It's just a simple post about how grateful I am right now about certain part of my life.

It's overwhelming how people that you've never met, that you talk to once in a while about random things, who live in another continent with 12 hours different of time, could be so supportive of your life.

I will always feel happy, grateful, and really lucky to know HOL, to know true friends between the dramas, to have people to talk to about random (and many many) things at very late or very early of time, and to know that friendships could be built even both sides never seen each other's faces.

Thank you, thank you, thank you my HOL friends, my Ravenclaw and my RQT family <3333333

My 15th remembrance of 25th April.
God.
It's been so damn long, hasn't it?!
And for the first time ever I can't go visit him or even send him some prayers because of the monsteration.
Later I'll shower you with many prayers though, Papa. No worries!

If there's time when I need to discuss with Papa the most, probably is today. Or lately, at least.
My youngest brother is going to college soon. And I feel like Papa would give his best thought about it.
And there are many thoughts that I can't share with anyone. But I know with Papa I would be able to put them into words.

Aaaaaah shit.
I just got all tearing up again.
I promised that I would take it easy this year.
It's been 15 years and it's about time to make peace with Papa's death.
But it's not easy, isn't it?

Well, okay.
So.
Happy 15th D-day to my superhero, superman, teacher, personal guardian angel, leader, soldier, lover, my very own Daddy.
I love you forever and ever and after.

Until I see you again, Papa :)

seperti gravitasi,dia bikin aku turun...
sial! dia seperti permen karet di sepatu,sulit hilang tanpa ada usaha
dia bilang dia ga akan bohong (lagi)
tapi akan selalu (lagi-lagi)

lupa kombinasi lemari besi
biar lupa terus jadi ga bisa di buka
jika di buka bisa bahaya
bisa ada luka lagi

mengobati luka
ah...pergi ke Bar Lazy Daze
pesan dinosaurus burger
makan yang banyak,meludah sedikit
kepada mereka yang suka bohong

"Pesan capucino hangat,satu..."
duduk,menunggu hujan yang makin lebat saja
hujan es,bikin dingin semua
ada setan naik taxi,dia juga pembohong

Luka senang datang
lalu pergi lagi
seperti bohong yang selalu berotasi
berputar-putar di kebohongan yang sama

dia,aku harap mau pergi
"Pintu keluar sebelah sana..."

keluar,dan jangan balik lagi
cuma bikin repot

satu datang,semua datang
satu pergi,semua pergi
sial!

ada semut bawa apel
itu pasti bohong
semut kan suka gula...

lagi-lagi harus obati luka,
biarin aja dia pergi,nanti juga datang lagi
tapi,jangan harap bisa masuk
pintu sudah ku kunci
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

berani masuk,berarti mati
lebih baik jangan masuk,
kecuali dia sudah bukan si pembawa luka

obat dan racun memang berbeda,
obat baik,
racun buruk,
tapi...
terlalu banyak obat juga bisa jadi racun yang baik.

ah...masa lalu basi,selalu hinggap kapan dia mau
sial!

-

Ini salah satu tulisan Dio terfavorit saya sepanjang masa.
Lagi di kantor. Di luar hujan. Lagi ga temenan sama jas hujan.
Dari minggu lalu kepikiran mulai nulis yang bener lagi.
Trus buka-buka arsip di otak dan kepikiran era ini.
Waktu Dio masih sering nodong buat bacain tulisan dia.
Waktu itu saya penulis yang sedikit lebih tidak amatir dibanding hari ini.
Aaaaaaaaaa, Chita 2010. Kamu ke mana?
Pengen bisa nulis lagi :(