Sometimes, I think about the right one.
Either it's a right path I walked on, the right decision I made, the right timing I had, or the right people I was with.
I guess because I'm so afraid to be not right, to make mistakes, to be a failure, and to restart again.
Or maybe just because I don't want to know if I was wrong.

Not only a song I like - even I do.
It's a song for you.
Whom I knew you were a trouble right after you said hi.
The devil with beautiful eyes.
The one whom my friends warned me about.
But then why I'm sitting here posting the song for you about what happened a year ago?
That's because you suddenly came back.
Still with your pride, that I always wish you would tear it down for me.
Still with the eyes I avoided to see because I knew it would kill me a little inside if I did.
But, you know.
You were beautiful, but once I said goodbye, it means goodbye.


-----------------------------------------------


"I think–I think when it’s all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It’s not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don’t know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him.
It was losing me."

Once upon a time a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me
I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he’s long gone when he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

‘Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

No apologies, he’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning
Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me, hey!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble

"I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are."

I wrote this a few days ago while I was at work and had so many painful thoughts in mind, but my heart kept telling me that "Everything happens for a very good reason."

Now, is 10:21 am.
Not a midday yet, but I have so many questions in my head.

People said, the love of a mother would never abandoned you in life.
So, why did my mother forget 20 of my birthdays and never called me to ask if I'm still alive?
Does she really not care or she just trust me I would survive and be alive even she hasn't heard anything from me for 10 months straight?

People said, what you have is what you deserve.
Does that mean I don't deserve my dad?
The only person I want to live forever with, the only one I loved so much with all of my heart, the one and only regret in my life.
Or God just love him so much He wanted him to live much better on His side? And by that, my dad can be with me wherever I go, grow up together with me in my heart?

People said, it's a good thing to make people around you happy.
But what if that the only person that care about my happiness is myself? And I feel like obligate of it. So I stop caring about those who doesn't care about me.
Contradiction, what if the life is not about yourself, never about yourself? What if the happiness will be found in the process of making people happy?

People said, life without a problem is not a life at all.
But how does one solve so many problems at once with no place to run into.
God, is the answer.
God never gives any problem that you can't handle. So when you have a problem, just believe that God knows you can handle it. Why do you need to doubt yourself when God trust you?

People said, family is what all you have when everything in the world turn you down.
What if the family who turn you down? What do I have left? Where do I need to run to?
I don't know about this one.

For 2012, I'm thankful for lots of things, lots of people I'm with, achievements I earned, and new things I've experienced.

For HOL.
For Allison Sullivan
For Sam, Amys, Kayla, Poki, Alaia, Rorey, RQT.
For those who supported me when I thought I was really alone.
For Quidditch, it's the first time I knew what my fave sport is.
For Summer 2012. For the very first time I could appreciated the time of summer.

For Doctor Who & Sherlock. For giving me lots of pleasure I almost barely had.
For movies I loved. Which gave me lessons without experiencing them.

For my job, my colleagues, my boss, for every rupiah they paid, for every overtime I had.
With those money I could bought things I needed, I could give a little help to few people, I could give smiles to some.

For my laptop, phone, internet, the blogs I run, every point & bean I've earned in HOL, every question I answered in bots and quidditch games, and every contest I was in.
For Cinderella & The Stepsisters team. Thanks for experiencing being in second place with me. It was awesome! Thanks Sophia and Nathan.

Special for Fathia Rezqy.
Thank you for staying in my life and not run away.
Even when I was being a jerk, pushing and rejecting people away.
Thanks for caring, accepting, and understanding me - while no one did.
For the laughs and the smiles, the craziness, the foods, the stupid conversation we had.
I hope I can have you in life forever.

Another special for Sam and Ravenclaw Quidditch Team.
Thank you, thanks a million times for accepting me, the lost lion, a lonely squib, an eagle-wanna be, to become a small part of the family.
Thanks for never asked "Who are you and why are you in our room?"
You didn't know how much that was meant to me.

And the top of all,
Thanks for God, my only one savior of my life.
Who still lets me live and alive, breathe, being healthy, and having the complete body of mine still until today.
Who never stopped giving me another chances even I wasted them away.
Who made a precious life and good path for me even I always doubt on them.
Thanks for every single thing I never realized it was Him all along.

Thank you.

I'm not a good person. I've never been.
I pushed away people who cared to me, I rejected them, and I threw away those who hurted me once.

My happiness is my priority.
Call me selfish, but it's only because no one else cared about my happiness, so it's only myself who cares about me.

Whoever try to screw up with me, I'll cut them off my life, never thought twice.
It doesn't mean I never cared about them though.
When I was with people, I didn't fake my care, my love, my laugh, or anything I chose to share with them.
So did I, when I chose to stay away from them. I never faked it.

Them and I are like a food you don't like.
You ate them once, you promised to not eat them again. Even so, you're okay to see people eating that foods, or when you see the foods. You just don't want to eat them again.
I think, that's about right to describe it.

But yeah, for those I've been hurting, I'm sorry. And thanks for giving me lessons I couldn't get if I always meet the right person.

You can always be thankful in life.